Does No Cuddling Mean He's Just Not Into You?

Em and Lo's Wise Guys column—a regular feature asking three guys a sex/dating question—tackled hand holding, cuddling and the men who claim they don't like doing either this week. A worried reader wanted to know if a cuddle-phobic man she recently started dating is as he says or (those dreaded words) "just not that into me."

Gulp.

We're torn on this one. While we certainly think a friendly hand hold and post-coital spoon are sweet and appropriate, people come in all different shades of quirk and eccentric. Being affectionate after sex doesn't necessarily make a guy faithful and considerate, after all. That being said, we'd gladly take an aloof but loyal feline who dislikes unnecessary petting than a philandering, cuddly Labrador who humps everything. Here's a run down of what the fellas had to say.

STRAIGHT MARRIED GUY: The heterosexual married man basically tells the questioner to run for the hills. "If a guy doesn’t want to cuddle he probably doesn’t want you to feel like he’s your boyfriend," he says. "He doesn’t want you to get too close, too fast. Similarly, he could argue that he doesn’t want to lead you on." Hand-holding, he says, is a surefire way to tell if your new date sees you as monogomous girlfriend material. "Hand-holding for many guys is reserved for monogamous relationships...So… he’s not that into you.  But he may only need more time to get where you are." Ouch.

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MARRIED GAY GUY: The hitched homosexual on the other hand is actually married to an anti-cuddler. So, naturally, he thinks it's much ado about nothing. "My hubby isn’t so lovey-dovey. He gets hot very quickly and basically endures it for my sake for as long as he can, which usually amounts to about 45 seconds. It used to bother me, but I’ve realized it’s just a quirk of his and really has no bearing on how he feels about me. So I wouldn’t read too much into it if your man isn’t a cuddle bug or or happy hand holder." He encourages her to ask the guy about his firm stance against it, but to take comfort in the fact that this "doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you."

SINGLE STRAIGHT GUY: Agrees with married dude. Must be something in the lady-loving waters. "This is more often the conscious or unconscious manifestation of him just not being that into you. So you have to look for other signs. Give it some time and try hard not to confuse love with lust. New relationships are often mostly lust disguised as love." Lust/love, murky gray waters aside, Single Straight encourages the asker to look for other signs. "If he treats you fantastically all the time and simply isn’t holding your hand or kissing you in public, it may be genuine shyness. But if the public displays of affection are just one more thing in the list of affectionate things he isn’t doing, then it may be time to look elsewhere…"