Steve Harvey Advises Ladies To Think Like Men

Much in the same vain as our beloved He's Just Not That Into You, comedian Steve Harvey—like comedian Greg Behrendt—sets out to enlighten ladies with more straight talk about men. He's penned his first relationship book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, and not surprisingly this is another ode to the sex-crazed simplicity of guys and how women need to stop tolerating their B.S.

With chapters that read like: "We Need to Talk" And Other Words That Make Men Run For Cover" and "First Things First: He Wants To Sleep With You" it doesn't take a clairvoyant to accurately predict how Harvey paints the personality and intentions of anything with a penis. (Hide your daughters!) We can feel the subsequent wide-eyed, head-shaking of all the ladies reading and thinking: Men are pigs!

Sigh.

While one may venture this market must have exhausted itself by now, all it took was a quick little looksy at the audience on Oprah earlier today (where Harvey was a guest) to realize, yes—women still need this book. For every chick who memorized He's Just Not That Into You, there's another who's still analyzing why that guy from six months ago never returned her call.

While Harvey certainly brings his own distinct flavor into the mix—his pet name for sex is "the cookie" which is sort of creepy—it's the same old blah blah we tell ourselves when we stare at the phone willing it to ring. Basically, if a guy acts like he's into you, he probably is, but if he treats you like dirt, than chances are he doesn't like you that much. It's this brilliant black and white that women find so gosh darn hard to wrap our minds around, and why we need a fresh self-help book by a comedian to help usher in a new lonely season.

Here are a few excerpts:

All Men Have A Plan: "Men don't come up to you to just talk. We come up to you with a plan," he says. "We're looking across the room at you, and we don't care about your hopes and dreams. We don't care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted."

All Men Are Fisherman: "You've got sports fishermen, and you've got guys out there fishing to eat. You've got guys that are fishing to keep the fish, and you've got guys that are fishing to catch them, unhook them and throw them back," Harvey says. "You've got to determine along the way which one of the fish you're going to be...You've got to quit lowering your standards," he says. "Set your requirements up front so when a guy hooks you, he has to know this is business."

Wait (gulp) 90 Days Before Having Sex (!!!!): "Slow down, ladies," Harvey says. "Look, you cannot run us off...you all keep changing the rules. And men are aware of the fact that you are changing the rules. We're aware of the fact that you act desperate. We're aware of the fact that you think there's a good shortage of good men out there," he says. "We play on all of that. We created the term 'gold digger' so you won't ask us for nothing. We created the term 'nagging' so you can quit badgering us. These are terms that we created so you can require less of us."

We still think it's unfair that a healthy female sex drive is a punishable offense. Perhaps our daughters, daughters can act like a lady, have sex like a man and escape any horrid male judgement.