8 Heartbreaking Reasons Why Men Hit The Women They Love
It's not your fault. And he won't change.
getty Men who abuse rarely do it once, even if they are rich and famous.
So, if you're in a relationship with a guy who has pushed, hit, or slapped you once, take it as a warning sign. You can expect him to do it again and again.
Why do men hit women they supposedly love?
The answer is a bit complicated.
In an effort to understand domestic violence and abusive relationships, we asked domestic violence experts Diann Ackard, a psychologist on the board of Break the Cycle, an organization specializing in the treatment of domestic abuse, and Candice Hopkins, director of Love is Respect, the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, what they know about batterers and their reasons for their violent behavior toward women.
1. Abusers have an intense need to control the women they love.
The biggest misconception about these guys is that they have "anger management" issues. They don't.
They don't blow up at work or at the driver who cuts into their lane. Instead, they have an overwhelming need to control their loved one — how she dresses, where she goes, and whom she talks to.
That's why, before they actually start using physical violence to stay in control, they are often constantly phoning and text messaging the object of their affections so they know exactly what she's doing at all times.
2. Abusers often do genuinely love the women they beat up.
In fact, they are often obsessively in love with their girlfriends or wives, which makes them even more jealous and controlling — they just don't know the proper way to express it.
They most likely grew up in a home where there was violence.
3. Abusers typically blame their girlfriends for forcing them to be violent.
An abuser will tell himself and his girlfriend that she provoked the violence by looking at another guy, wearing a skirt that's too short, or not cleaning up the kitchen fast enough.
4. And women typically blame themselves for provoking their boyfriends.
They get brainwashed into believing that they've done something wrong. "It was my fault for leading him to think I was cheating."
5. When abusers apologize, it's another form of taking control.
Men who abuse women can be dramatically remorseful — crying, begging for forgiveness and promising to never become violent again. Flowers and gifts can be typical.
The apologies can seem so genuine that an abused girlfriend gets completely seduced back into continuing the relationship.
6. Guys who abuse are insecure and have poor impulse control.
It's weird. They can seem completely normal and stable at times.
At work, they can present themselves as completely nice guys. It's the fear of losing their girlfriend or being unable to control her that leads to the intense outbursts of rage and violence.
7. When guys abuse, they feel entitled to do it.
They believe they have the right to use whatever means necessary to take control of the situation.
If police arrive, they aren't ashamed of their behavior; they feel justified (i.e., "You deserved it — you were behaving like a slut").
8. If your boyfriend is violent, it's unlikely he will be cured.
Most abusers don't get the treatment they need in order to stop. They don't want help because they believe they are in the right.
Furthermore, the beatings are likely to escalate over time. Ask for help from your close friends, family or a domestic abuse organization, and make a plan to leave ASAP.
If you're seeking help with an abusive spouse or boyfriend, call 911 or the National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline at 1-866-331-9474 or visit Love is Respect for a live online chat.
For more information on dating abuse, visit Safe Space online.
Bonnie Fuller is the owner, President and Editor-in-Chief of Hollywood Life, and Founder and CEO of Bonnie Fuller Media. She previously served as editor-in-chief for publications such as YM, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Us Weekly, and is a regular contributor to the Today Show, Good Morning America, and The CBS Morning Show.