How To Seduce A Woo Girl In 10 Steps

Woo Girl*: Noun. A woman who drinks to excess and commonly squeal, "woooo" when something favorable occurs (such as quaffing another tequila shot or the DJ playing "All The Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).")

The woo girl can be found in all matter of watering holes but seems to eschew low-key establishments such as a piano bars and places that don't serve hard liquor. The Woo Girl can often be seen wearing cowboy hats and tight, animal print clothing. But they are equally at home wearing a Laura Ashley sundress. While the Woo Girl is traditionally in her 20s, ages can range all the way into the 40s or 50s. The Woo Girl is outwardly quite confident but some amount of her blustery bravado comes from liquid courage and the fact that Woo Girls travel in packs. While she may think of herself as a 3rd Wave Feminist, her esprit de femme comes more from the Spice Girls school of Girl Powah than the Gloria Steinem brand of female empowerment. Though often single, the Woo Girl has a tendency to internally define herself by her romantic interactions.

With so much as prologue, the obvious question is, "How do I get lucky with one of these mythical creatures?" Woo Girls are too clannish, guileless and, often, drunk for the subtleties and herd-thinning approach of pickup artistry. "Opening Up A Set" or using a neg can prove frustratingly fruitless. Like the Irish and Psychoanalysis, Woo Girls are largely immune to The Game. But using Mystery's ways to woo a Woo Girl is blowing 10 grand on fishing gear when the bass are willing to jump into the boat. The Woo Girl really wants to go home with someone but she wants attention and not head games.

1) Steps One Through Ninety-Nine of seducing a Woo Girl involve alcohol. But one of the classic blunders of seducing a Woo Girl involves overdoing it with the alcohol. Too much booze and coherence (and ability to consent) goes the way of the saber-toothed tiger. Too little booze and she'll probably realize that you've been quoting Wedding Crashers for the last 2 hours. Another thing to consider is that even if they only weigh 115 pounds, most Woo Girls can hold their liquor. To my knowledge, no woman has ever found it attractive to be able to drink her (potential) mate under the table.

2) Self-deprecating humor works if and only if they know how awesome you really are. A few comments like "Well, I'm only the second best salesman at the firm, maybe if I was a kiss-ass like Hannerhan I'd be number one. Life's just too short for that noise?" Many a Woo Girl is an eyelash away from becoming a member of DABA (Dating A Banker Anonymous), be careful with these types. Keep it breezy and keep it cool.

3) Impressions. Most people think impressions are obnoxious and they're not 100% wrong. But a buzzed Woo Girl will appreciate any effort you make to entertain her. An impression of Will Ferrell's impression of Harry Caray is pretty easy even if she doesn't exactly know who Harry Caray is. Just say "Hey!" and "Check out the kid in the sombrero, there's a fine looking youngster" every few minutes.

4) Did I mention drinks? Oh, keep 'em coming. It should have a filthy name (Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against A Wall), contain Shnapps (like the aptly named WooWoo) or both (Redheaded Slut or Sex On The Beach).

5) Music sooths the savage Woo Girl (it actually does the opposite). The faster you can figure out what kind of music she likes the better. Once you have an idea of what she likes (off-hand start with Maroon 5, U2, Beyoncé and Bon Jovi then work your way back to Ying Yang Twins, Nine Inch Nails, Oasis and Madonna), slip the DJ a finski (a five dollar bill) and wait for her to insist on dancing.

6) Do not "woooooo." That's her thing, guy. It's not a Rebel Yell, so it's not really for guys, aight?

7) Have somewhere to go. A Woo Girl's whimsy can be predicted no more accurately than the weather. At the drop of a hat, she may want to "get some air" or "go back to your place for sex." Have a place that is less than 15 minutes from the bar. That same mercurial attitude that's getting you some action can change like the winds Scorpions song.

8) Have snacks on hand. While watching an attractive woman stuff her face with French-bread pizza may drain some of the beauty from a one-night stand, remember that she may fall asleep without it. Being the procurer of her "f*ckin' French toast" may be your deliverance.

9) Have plenty of prophos around. There's a good chance that you're not the only Casanova to win this Henriette's heart. Being healthy and bastard-free are their own little rewards.

10) Finally, as always, be a gentleman. If she's vomiting, offer to hold her hair (be sure to have gum or mints on hand). If she feels like a real hooker for running back with you upon your first meeting, assure her that you won't have any less respect for her either way but that you'd, please, like to continue the direction things are going. Have something for her to change into. Obviously, you're not going to let her keep your Atari t-shirt but she'll feel somewhat better about the whole affair if she's not stuck in a miniskirt and a tank top**. Oh and be sure to tell her how pretty she is. Woo Girls seem to benefit from positive reinforcement.

That's basically it, be sure not to burn any bridges. You may not want to see that Woo Girl again but the subculture rolls deep. Be nice about the whole thing and she'll tell her clique how cool you are. Go the other way and you may wind up on the business end of a gang-style ass woo-ping.

*Note: Woo Girls existed long before the recent episode of How I Met Your Mother, but it was an insightful episode, nonetheless.
**Note: If you never intend on seeing her again, hit her off with a shirt and sweatpants combo that you don't mind losing.