4 Undeniable Signs Of Abuse To Never Ignore
You can't deny the abuse any longer.
lightfieldstudios | Canva Women are abused by domestic partners every day, celebrities or not, and sometimes there are no bruises, no broken bones, and therefore no attention paid. Yes, I know, this begs the question, why would she stay? Why doesn't she tell someone?
It's complicated. To this day, my ex-husband would not say he abused me. I believe he thinks that the way he treated me was fine, if not better than fine. That when he did get angry and go off the deep end, it was because I provoked him and I deserved it. He wasn't all that physical over the years.
The times he did get physical — pushing or pinching or putting a pillow over my face — it was easy for me to scream and push back. I knew this was wrong. This was abuse and I should do something about it. But I hesitated because I didn't have black eyes and broken bones to show anybody. He was too smart for that; he took care not to leave marks on my face. Each time he got physical, he would be incredibly apologetic and tender afterward, and I would tell myself if it ever happened again I would do something about it then. It wouldn't happen again for weeks or even months, and by the time it did, I had been lulled back into the day-to-day of our marriage. But eventually, he would get violent again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
He abused me daily in insidious and quiet, sneaky ways. Stealing my self-esteem and my memory and my sanity. I came to dread the arrival of the phone bill each month because it was always so stressful. He would make me sit there while he quizzed me about the calls, one by one. "Whose number is xxx-xxxx? Is that your new boyfriend?" If I went out with girlfriends, he wanted to know where was I "really" and demanded to know whom I had spoken to all night. If I put a knife in the dishwasher with the blade pointed down I was "stupid," and if I didn't keep the house clean enough I was "useless." He would look through my purse and take my cash and credit cards on a regular basis and openly criticize what I was wearing or how I looked. Little by little I became timid and fearful and unsure. I didn't even know it was happening until it was too late.
Here are 4 questions to ask yourself if you think you're being abused:
1. Do feel often like you are walking on eggshells?
2. Does your partner accuse you of having affairs when he can’t account for 100% of your time? Does he tell you jealousy is a sign of love?
3. Is your partner quite pleasant in between bouts of anger?
4. Do you feel like you can't do anything right?
If you answered "yes" to any of these or similar questions, you are living in an abusive situation. Please trust me, it will not get better; it will only get worse. What can you do about it? First, understand that it is abuse. It's hard to admit you've been "allowing yourself" to be abused. It's embarrassing. It's painful.
But if you recognize that it is not okay for your abuser to treat you this way anymore, you can start to do something about it. Second, you have to do something to stop the abuse. This could be any number of things depending on your situation. If it is safe to leave and you have a place to go, make a plan for moving out and cut off ties with your abuser. If you fear for your safety and/or there are children to consider, plan your exit carefully and do it in small steps. Getting an order of protection may be necessary. Ask a friend or professional to help you develop an exit plan that includes safety precautions. Finally, you have to create a plan for going forward. That may mean finding a new place to live, opening your bank account, helping your kids transition, going back to work, thinking about getting a divorce, or all of the above. Most importantly, you'll need to find yourself again.
It will take time, but eventually, you will feel whole and strong again. For me, things had to get ugly before I finally understood that I was in an abusive and potentially dangerous situation and that I needed to get out of there. I wish, however, that I had recognized the signs much earlier. If you recognize the signs in your own life now, take action and make a plan for getting out, before it has a chance to escalate. Leaving an abuser is scary, but I am here to tell you that it's worth it in the end.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Liza Caldwell runs SAS for Women, a boutique firm that specializes in helping women free themselves from dysfunctional and unhappy relationships.