Why I No Longer Call Myself An Alcoholic
When drinking no longer controls your mind.
Clam Lo, fcscafeine | Canva Note from the writer: This is my opinion and mine only. If you are an avid lover of AA, you might want to skip this one. While I don’t mean to offend, I can see why it might be offensive when I am not on board with something you love.
As I approach my third sober anniversary next month, I reflect on my journey — this happens when I get close to a milestone.
But, I no longer count the days or the months. Alcohol simply does not control me anymore.
When I first began writing, it was all I wrote about. Well, that and my past trauma that I believe led me to overdrink. From that first sip of alcohol at 16 years old, it was a constant on my mind until a few years ago.
That’s a lot of years. 28 to be exact.
So, I had a lot to unpack on the subject. I am also closing in on 2 years of writing. I began writing when I hit my first sober anniversary.
January 7th will always be a special day for me.
Once and for all, I kicked alcohol to the curb. Within that first month, I was utterly disgusted with it, not missing it as I had in previous attempts.
Alcohol made me into a different person and one that I ended up loathing so certainly, that finally I was relieved of my obsession. You have no idea how good that feels. Or, maybe you do if you are reading this and quit.
On January 8th, 2021, I started AA meetings once again, begrudgingly.
Public speaking is not for me, although I am a good listener and could go and do that without speaking much at first. I wouldn’t put “talking about myself” in a list of things that I am good at.
I kept hearing that if I didn’t share, I would die, from a certain girl “in the rooms”. That bothered me. Who was this girl to tell 50 people on an AA Zoom that we would die if we didn’t perform? (Yes, we were still in a pandemic so there weren’t meetings in person yet.)
Surprisingly, I was still so nervous when I had to speak to a computer. But, back to the girl. She had a compelling story and dug herself from the trenches, but it was the "share or die" that had me honing in on everything she said.
Most of what she said was negative. She claimed alcoholics will always be addicts and defective — the key is we have to work on our defective disease daily and try to not be that defective version of ourselves.
So, if we don’t share, call ourselves alcoholics, and work on all of our defective ways daily, then we are headed for the grave?
I continued to go to AA for a year. I continued to say that my name is Michele and I am an alcoholic. I never wanted to share much because I black out when I drink.
I met the most amazing group of women in the meetings and that is what kept me going back for a while. I am still great friends with them today and I do thank the program for that.
Someone very special was a sponsor to me and helped me so much that first year. So, I don’t discredit the program, but some of the things don’t work for me.
So slowly, I started stepping away from AA. That girl on the original Zoom call probably thinks I'm dead. I still thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to be at AA meetings daily, like so many people do. They fell in love with it, why didn’t I?
I know that AA works for so many people and that phrase is probably true more times than I want to know, but it still doesn’t sit well with me.
Why do we all have to love talking about ourselves and spilling everything out loud in a room of people who used to drink to oblivion? Well, we don’t.
Why do I have to state my name with a problem that I used to have? I’d be much more comfortable just going to a support group for those struggling with alcohol, without the negative connotations that have me leaving feeling like I am defective when in fact, I am not. I have beat this thing and I should be positive about it.
I read Annie Grace’s “This Naked Mind”, and thankfully her positive message changed my life.
While I was already disgusted with alcohol, reading her book and listening to all of her podcasts solidified the fact that I never want alcohol to enter my system again.
She focused on the positives and pointed out that alcoholics were not defective because they got addicted to an addictive substance. We are not alcoholics if we are not drinking.
She also felt the same way about AA and turns out that many people do. We don’t have to continue to adopt the standards set in the 1930s because we think it is the only way. She has a booming business helping others get sober and has over a decade without a drink or drug.
Thankfully, I accepted that I had a serious problem, learned about why, went to therapy, and started to write about it. That was the best decision that I ever made in regards to my recovery.
Recovery isn’t black and white. There are all shades of gray surrounding alcohol use. Have you heard of gray area drinking? These people fall into a different category than what you would think of a typical alcoholic.
It might be the mom who has a few glasses of wine, but every night, and sometimes does something stupid or gets in an argument with her husband.
Sounds like a lot of people you know? It is. Many people fall into this category and even though the drink is had every night, not to excess, means you are not an alcoholic. So, you keep at it but you don’t feel your best. You can quit without being called that ugly word.
It could be the man who has one too many after work sometimes, leaving him hungover more than he would like. It’s affecting his performance at work and his mind isn’t crisp. So, he decides to quit. Maybe he had Substance Use Disorder, which is now the new word for alcoholism because the medical industry now sees that the word alcoholic is demeaning.
That guy wouldn’t identify as an alcoholic and may keep drinking because he doesn’t fit the bill of Alcoholics Anonymous while being surrounded by drinkers in our society. But, thankfully there are so many gray area drinkers that are vocal about quitting now that we can learn from.
While I think AA has a very important place in recovery for many people, it is not for everyone.
I used to think AA was the only way and that I failed at it.
So, no, I am not Michele an alcoholic, I am Michele, an ex-drinker or ex-alcoholic, who had a serious problem with alcohol but called it quits. I am not defective. We all have things we can work on about ourselves. You don’t have to be an “alcoholic” to write out your wrongs, apologize, and be mindful of your actions.
Anyone can do that. We should all do that. It shouldn’t just be the "defective alcoholics" that have to do this.
One thing I do know is that I am not naive and this is not my first rodeo, but if I drink again, I will be right back in that awful place. Believe me, I am not deflecting and saying that I didn’t have a problem, a huge alcohol problem, and that I was an alcoholic.
I guess that's why you should call yourself an alcoholic — so you remember. But for me, I won’t be an alcoholic again unless I am drinking. I have not forgotten how bad it was and I will never be a normal drinker once that liquid hits my lips.
I refuse to think, talk, and believe that I am a defective person because I had a problem that I kicked.
Drinking no longer claims my mind and all my thoughts. I am now free to be me and dive into other areas of my life.
While I will still write about my past and addiction when it comes up, it slowly has not become my focus. But, I will never forget it. When I see or smell alcohol, I still get nauseous. While it doesn’t bother me that others drink, the way I feel about it has not changed. I am thankful for that. Drinking never sounds like a good idea anymore.
I am here to thank the pioneers in the recovery space who have opened my eyes and ears to all other possible avenues to recovery.
I no longer have to call myself an alcoholic. I am grateful for that.
Michele Maize is a sober traveler who uses her experiences as inspiration for stories. She also writes about addiction, abuse, trauma, and parenting. She has been interviewed by major news publications, like the New York Times, because of her writing.