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Why doesn't he want to give me a chance even though i'm having his baby?

Published on February 27, 2013 by mramirez90

My Ex-boyfriend and I broke up less than two weeks before i found out i was pregnant. We were only dating for about 4 months and everything was going good but we did have several problems here and there. He eventually broke up with me and i left but then i found out i was pregnant. I was so heartbroken when he left me but then when i told him i was pregnant he had already been involved with someone else. Now even after finding out we are having a baby he said he doesn't trust me anymore and he doesn't want to give me another chance not even for our baby on the way. I know i did many things wrong in our relationship and i have a lot to blame on why our relationship failed but we saw things very differently and if he really loved me wouldn't he just give me another chance?? I hid certain things from him and lied but i never cheated on him and i realized my mistakes and i told him everything would change especially because of our baby but he just doesn't want anything to do with me. He did say he will be there for the baby and anything i need but he doesn't want me. Why is he so stubborn and what could it be that he doesn't want me anymore. I told him i was sorry and that i loved him and i confessed but nothing changes his mind. I'm so hurt because i don't want to be alone i want to be with the father of my child. Any advice anyone?

ANSWERS

Trust, once lost, is very difficult (perhaps impossible) to earn back. You don't give any specific details of what was involved in the break-up, but say that there were several problems and you did many things wrong. You say you didn't cheat on him, but that is a perfect analogy for his behavior. Some people can forgive a partner who cheats on him and give her another chance - some people simply can't get past the betrayal no matter how much they want to and the relationship is doomed. That seems to be akin to the level of betrayal he appears to be feeling.

You say you lied and hid some things from him, and he says he can't trust you any more. If the magnitude of your deception is too much for him to accept, or if you've shown yourself to be a habitual liar, I can see how he wouldn't want to give you another chance. Whatever you did may not have seemed like a big deal to you, but it obviously WAS to him. It's impossible to have a marriage or long-term relationship if you can't trust each other - there can't be lies and secrets. It always confuses me how people can make themselves literally open, naked, and vulnerable to someone in bed (hence the baby), but not trust him enough be do the same with the emotionally intimate details of your life. If you can't feel trusting enough to be truthful and not hold back secrets from him, you shouldn't be having sex with him.

It's good that he wants to be an active part of his child's life, and that he wants to help support you. He must realize that this means he's committing himself to getting along with you well enough to work with you in raising the child, so perhaps that offers a glimmer of hope that trust and healing can be regrown through this effort.

I suggest seeing a couples counselor and see if he/she can help you two deal with these issues. Getting some counseling from your minister or clergy is also a good idea, as is seeking the wisdom of some older/experienced and trusted friends or family. Your goal in any of these actions is NOT to try to get the person "on your side" (a professional counselor will quickly set you straight on that if you try it with him/her), but to gain the advice and help of someone who knows how to deal with life's crises and has an interest in seeing you be successful in dealing with your own.

After going through all this you may still be unsuccessful, and have to accept that the relationship is done for - but at least you will have made an honest and sincere effort.

It may be that you really blew it, or it may be that he just blows things way out of proportion (in which case it was going to end up like this eventually, and you're actually saving yourself some misery to learn it now), but the cold hard fact may be that it's over.

I pray for success for you - both for your sake and for the sake of your child.

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