On February 27, 2013, tanstaafl2 said:
Trust, once lost, is very difficult (perhaps impossible) to earn back. You don't give any specific details of what was involved in the break-up, but say that there were several problems and you did many things wrong. You say you didn't cheat on him, but that is a perfect analogy for his behavior. Some people can forgive a partner who cheats on him and give her another chance - some people simply can't get past the betrayal no matter how much they want to and the relationship is doomed. That seems to be akin to the level of betrayal he appears to be feeling.
You say you lied and hid some things from him, and he says he can't trust you any more. If the magnitude of your deception is too much for him to accept, or if you've shown yourself to be a habitual liar, I can see how he wouldn't want to give you another chance. Whatever you did may not have seemed like a big deal to you, but it obviously WAS to him. It's impossible to have a marriage or long-term relationship if you can't trust each other - there can't be lies and secrets. It always confuses me how people can make themselves literally open, naked, and vulnerable to someone in bed (hence the baby), but not trust him enough be do the same with the emotionally intimate details of your life. If you can't feel trusting enough to be truthful and not hold back secrets from him, you shouldn't be having sex with him.
It's good that he wants to be an active part of his child's life, and that he wants to help support you. He must realize that this means he's committing himself to getting along with you well enough to work with you in raising the child, so perhaps that offers a glimmer of hope that trust and healing can be regrown through this effort.
I suggest seeing a couples counselor and see if he/she can help you two deal with these issues. Getting some counseling from your minister or clergy is also a good idea, as is seeking the wisdom of some older/experienced and trusted friends or family. Your goal in any of these actions is NOT to try to get the person "on your side" (a professional counselor will quickly set you straight on that if you try it with him/her), but to gain the advice and help of someone who knows how to deal with life's crises and has an interest in seeing you be successful in dealing with your own.
After going through all this you may still be unsuccessful, and have to accept that the relationship is done for - but at least you will have made an honest and sincere effort.
It may be that you really blew it, or it may be that he just blows things way out of proportion (in which case it was going to end up like this eventually, and you're actually saving yourself some misery to learn it now), but the cold hard fact may be that it's over.
I pray for success for you - both for your sake and for the sake of your child.
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