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What should I do now?

Published on August 18, 2014 by smiranda20

Hi Kristina, I really need your expert advice. About 2 months ago I started dating a guy and everything started off so well. He pursued me, called me, text me throughout the day. But then one night I brought up his ex girlfriend after a couple of wine glasses. I really cant remember everything that I said that night, but obviously it must have been something that he didn't like because after that he started to pull away. When I noticed the next day that he was distant, I tried to reach out to him and he told me that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship we both agreed to keep getting to know each other but we didn't hang out as much as we did before and he slowly started texting me less throughout the day. I have tried to give him his space and really haven't spoken about my feelings because he is the type that is very touchy and I am afraid to say something and him take it the wrong way. Well so far we had been ok with one another till yesterday that he told me that he wanted to speak to me, of course I am the type of person that doesn't like to text or talk over the phone when its a relationship issue between me and the person I am seeing. Well we said that we would set a date to talk in person and left it at that. Later on during the day, we sent each other text messages but instead of things going smoothly they went a complete different route. Ok so He told me that he thought that he was completely over his ex but that he finds himself at times wishing that he could have done things differently but that it wasn't the case and now he finds it hard to trust someone with his feelings. I told him that I knew he wasn't over his ex and I mentioned a couple things on how I knew that. He seemed to have gotten offended and he said "you see that's your problem, I really liked you a lot in the beginning, but you're too much for me. Listen to what you are saying" And after that he stopped texting me, I tried to tell him that he was misunderstanding me by what I was saying because the conclusion that he was getting at wasn't my point. I called him but he didn't answer me and then I sent him another text asking him "are we ok?" which he replied back "Yes, I'm just a little busy now". I didn't reply back to him because I didn't want to keep adding wood to the fire and him misunderstand me some more so I just left it at that so that he could cool down. I called him a couple hours later and still no answer. My question is now...what should I do to fix this? Please give me your advice as I feel that I am losing my grasp. Should I contact him write him a text? I feel like this guy has a total misconception of me and I want him to know that but I am afraid to overwhelm him at this moment. Should I just ignore what he told me and text him how I would normally do on a daily basis. I am really confused at this moment, because I keep reading to get advice and what I have read is to just sit on my hands and wait for him to contact me... please I would appreciate if I could receive a reply ASAP....

ANSWERS

Dear smiranda20,

The details of whether or not he's over his ex seem a little unclear. What it sounds more like is that he has regrets over the way his previous relationship ended and he's trying to process those feelings. In the process, he's reaching to you for connection, when he said he finds it hard to trust someone with his feelings, that was him reaching to you to communicate to him that you are someone he can trust. Instead, you laid into him about his feelings for his ex and made him feel guilty, thereby reinforcing his fear of opening up.

It's quite different to have feelings for an ex and to be regretful for the way the relationship ended or was handled. The latter does not necessarily add up to the first. I would stop lecturing him about his ex and allow him a safe space to freely share his feelings without getting angry at him or making him wrong. He needs to process and whether or not you provide a safe emotional space for him to do so make dictate whether or not he continues on in your relationship or not. He may have already disconnected from you beyond repair.

Give him a day or two to process his feelings and then maybe start with an apology for judging him without allowing him to really open up and share what's going on with him. Let him know you're available if he needs to talk. Don't push yourself on him because you'll only push him away. If he's already decided he doesn't want to stay in the relationship, you can't force him to stay. As much as it hurts, be kind, don't make him wrong for his feelings, allow him to go respectfully and tactfully.

Good luck!

-Yourtango Expert

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