YOUR VOTE

2 0

3 ANSWERS

So the Ex-Sex has started...is this okay?

Published on January 22, 2014 by trendsetter

I broke up with my girlfriend of over 3 years during Christmas break nearly 5 weeks ago. She cheated on me and broke my heart. The pain was intense and the heartbreak was immense. I was angry, depressed, upset, volatile, and almost started drinking my sorrow away. But 4 days after the event, I decided to go exercise. BEST decision I ever made. I've forgiven her but I'll never forget what she's done. I'm not sure if I'd ever get back together with her either now that I feel I've cleared my head of everything.

Now, on to the complexity. She has expressed to me over and over how she doesn't want it to end and that she misses me, still loves, me but is willing to accept that this relationship is over. She asked if she could come over to talk to me to which I agreed. We hadn't done a face to face but once since and it wasn't pretty. This time it was very heartfelt, and even I shed a few tears afterwards. We hugged and I held her--then I kissed her. And the rest is history from there.

We talked about it afterwards, both of us feeling a whole lot better when I left for work (she is probably still there as she stayed the night). I think I'm comfortable with this for now. I still don't feel I'd get back together with her but she has always been a rockstar in bed. Even she agreed with me after we both agreed that this was simply a way for us to feel better about the whole situation. Hell, no one has ever quite satisfied me sexually like her, nor her I.

Is this healthy at all? Is she still hoping on to us getting back together? Am I? This has been quite the awkward moment, but also I can't deny I feel good right now.

ANSWERS

Dear trendsetter,

Make-up sex can be really fabulous! It’s with someone familiar (after 3 years of great sex you both truly knew the right ‘buttons’ to push), it can initially make you feel better because it seems like closure and being with someone can feel better then being with no one.

I appreciate you took the time to clear your head of the heartbreak, volatile anger, depression, and sorrow that almost started you drinking. I admire you started exercising and taking really great care of yourself.

I trust you’re a really good guy or you wouldn’t be writing here for advice. So as a good guy I would recommend you have an honest conversation with your ex about how you feel and don’t feel about her right now. She betrayed you by cheating and you said even though you have forgiven her you’ll never forget what she did and I accept you don’t want to get back together with her.

So, even though, ‘you both agreed this was simply a way for you both to feel better’ it’s important that you clearly tell her how you feel about her and explain that this is just a casual relationship to you and nothing serious. It would also be very important to find out how she feels about you and what she’s expecting from you. Then honestly discuss any differences. And because you were together for 3 years there will potentially be additional emotional layers to work through.

Also during this ‘honest’ conversation I would recommend talking about why after 3 years she cheated. If you don’t know the answer it could be very helpful for your future relationships to learn what part was your responsibility.

Also, something to consider when thinking about having a ‘purely sexual relationship’ with her is women can tend to feel differently about sex then men. We tend to get attached when we have sex (actually it’s the oxytocin that’s produced by our orgasm). It’s a normal chemical response that happens inside our bodies and causes us to become emotionally attached to the person we’re having sex with. And because we feel this way we think men will become attached to us when we have sex with them. And it doesn’t usually happen that way.

I have one additional question for you to consider, are you interested in beginning to date other women? It’s important to decide when it’s time to move on and to honestly tell her when this happens too.

I’d really appreciate knowing if you use any of my advice and how it worked.

Coach Christine Your Tango Expert

Thanks for the response Christine.

The "honest" conversation went well. We're on speaking terms again, especially after the second encounter which I was unsure it would happen or not. I realize the mistakes I made that lead her to her irrational choice. Very simple to correct and I don't foresee me having too much difficulty correcting those mistakes in the future.

She explained how it happened, why she did what she did, and how the "affair" fling started. It stung to hear this but the truth hurts sometimes. I'm a big man. I can take care of myself.

So round two commenced two nights ago and it was good. She stayed the night again and we had some raunchy fun. This time included a bit more "pillow" talk (leaving out the past for now, nothing but in the moment playful banter). The words "Love ya, good night" came out almost automatically and I had to correct myself quickly. I think it was more habit than anything as I did love her with all my heart merely 5 weeks ago. She told me not to even worry about it and understood.

I woke up in the morning as usual to go to work and she exclaimed that she was okay with this as long as it wasn't affecting me. On the contrary, I felt better because of it. Fast forward to this morning however, after a night alone again, I started to feel a bit lonely. A normal feeling I'm sure.

But the truth is that I miss her. Or at least the person she used to be. I don't know if that's something I want back but it did kind of suck to think about. I began to reminisce a lot last night. No big deal. Who doesn't fantasize about good past experiences--sexual or not? But it did kind of get me down, especially after waking up this morning.

It's odd because I feel like a million bucks after we've had sex. I'll be in a good mood even after she's left. Work goes okay, but then I get home and it's empty. No one there to make dinner, to have my laundry taken care of, to greet me at the door with a kiss, and most of all no one to say "I love you" to. I miss the little things. I suppose I was feeling this way before the ex-sex started anyhow from time to time, but was she the trigger or is it simply just because it's been a pretty recent issue (little more than 5 weeks now)?

(cont'd)

(part 2) cont'd

I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's time to start looking into the dating world again. Just seems like a lot more effort than what I have to go through with my ex to have sex...although it's not all about that for me in a relationship usually. So therein lies more guilt and another problem. I don't want to just use girls to make myself feel better at their emotional expense and I don't feel I do that when I'm with my Ex. At the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready for another relationship because I'm wanting to continue to focus on a better me, both mentally and physically. The exercise is going great by the way. I've kept up with it.

So, to the hard sought questions! Is it healthy for me to continue this casualness for a bit longer for the sake of some good sex and being able to feel better than I have since the break up happened? Should I try to find a casual fling or one-nighter with people that reciprocate? Should I try to let go of all of this and try to find that someone I can say "I love you" to and have it mean something? I want all of these things but I'm just not sure what the correct choice is right now. There's probably even underlying issues that I'm not even aware of here. Anyhow, I'm off to work and would love to hear back from you.

Ciao for now!

  • Trendsetter

ANSWER THIS QUESTION