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Should I leave my "comfortable" guy for my forever crush?

Published on March 28, 2013 by behappy_lifeistooshort

Okay, so I'm in a sticky situation. I've been dating this guy (we'll call him Jack) for 9 months. I didn't want to date him, at the beginning. I'm not super physically attracted to him. But I had just had my heart broken, and he was really nice to me. He had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship. Well, after like 4 months, he got comfortable enough to stop being a super sweet guy. He's rude now, doesn't try to impress my family, doesn't clean up after himself. But he loves me, and I can be comfortable with him. I was willing to keep trying, because he's so in love with me, but I'm facing a problem now.

My mom and I were having a discussion one day, and I didn't think it would amount to anything. I'm about to be 20, and since I was like 15, I've had a crush on the dishwasher at her job (we'll call him Kevin). I told mom that, and she went and told Kevin. Kevin's a sweetheart. He's like, shy, but so nice and polite to me. He apologizes if he even bumps my leg or something. Jack will pass gas right against my leg and laugh about it. Yesterday, mom comes home and tells me that Kevin offered to smoke with us if we go to his house. So we went over there, and hung out for a while. I forgot how bad I'm attracted to him. He told my mom, "She's so pretty!" and "She wouldn't like me", to which my mom assured him that I'd said the opposite.

My issue is, I do love and care about Jack. I just think I deserve better. He works at McD's and doesn't try to do any better. But on the other hand, Kevin's had the same dishwashing job for years. He talks about wanting to do something better though. I don't want to break Jack's heart. He lives with me at my parent's house (which I'm also tired of, because I want a man who wants to take care of me). His whole family is like 8 hours away, so he'll make me feel bad about kicking him out. But that's the biggest problem:

I don't know how to ask him to leave, or how to break up with him. Or even if I should. I'm just, torn up and confused about it right now.

I need advice, please?

ANSWERS

Both men sound seriously lacking in ambition and are unsuitable if you want someone who is financially sound, and able to take care of you.

I think you have answered your own question, both with your ID--"Be happy, life is too short," and with the insights you wrote about in your question.

I am referring to all the negative things you said about "Jack"--he is now rude, not caring to impress your parents, unwilling to clean up, works at McD's and isn't interested in doing better....these are all things that will follow you in your relationship with him into the future. Can you continue to overlook these things for the next decades of your life?

I am also referring to what you said about Kevin...he has had the same dishwashing job for years and what you want is someone who can take care of you. Can you overlook this issue if you choose to be with him instead?

Perhaps neither one offers what you are looking for.

Also, when you are considering whether to break up with someone, it's really not fair to either one of you to stay in the relationship because you don't want to hurt them or they will try to make you feel bad.

Chances are, if you are thinking about breaking up with them a lot, for any reason, you eventually will decide to break up and then you will hurt them anyway...it's probably best to break the tie and give both of you the ability to move on to relationships that might work better--where you can both find someone more compatible, supporting and loving.

I would advise you to break up with both of them, stay out of relationships for now, and build yourself up into someone you value. Enjoy being alone, create your own job and income, make a life for yourself. Then you won't settle for a man who is anything but your equal. In this day and age looking for a man to take care of you isn't a good idea, and isn't necessary. Give yourself the freedom of doing it for yourself.

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