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Sabotaging Every Relationship

Published on February 12, 2013 by dragonfly above

I have a feeling I'm going to sabotage every relationship because of not trusting and accusing every man I will ever date. I've been divorced for almost 8 years. I was afraid to date until an old flame resurfaced and with his persistence I finally reconnected. We dated for over 2years until a few months ago. The closer we became, the more I became suspicious of everything and broke up several times. My imagination would get stuck on something out of no where that I was certain he did, causing conflict. I never give myself completely and keep men at a distance (common complaint from them). At the slightest concern I take off and break up. When I caught that boyfriend with porn on his phone I broke up for good. It was heart breaking for us both but I couldn't forgive or trust him. I started dating again 6 wks later (against my better judgement knowing I hadn't probably given it enough time) and now, 6 weeks into the relationship) I just broke up with him because I became suspicious of why he deactivated his Facebook account. He said he had to do something this past Saturday during the day, but wanted to get together that night but I didn't believe that he was truly doing what he said and came up with a whole scenario of him going to a show that was in town with a female friend that they both share this common interest. I tried to let that go chalking it up to my crazy thinking but now I think he must have deactivated it so I couldn't see any references to that day (comments from the other person, pictures, etc). He had begged me to trust him with my heart but I can't let go. I already accused him of watching porn (with no evidence at all) because with our recent and first intimate encounter he couldn't finish. He was loving and sweet and caring and told me he loved me and that it didn't matter to him that he couldn't finish on his part ( ( but he was very attentive to my needs). I automatically think all men have become sexually dysfunctional because they all are porn addicts. He said I really hurt him that night. He said I ignore his love and keep him at arms length. He said he isn't going to take constantly being accused of things he hasn't done. I said "fine" and good bye. He asked me not to end it and to reconsider but these thought are so embedded in my mind that I can't let go. I foresee this issue happening again and again with every man I date. I can turn anything into a negative. I know I will be told I'm insecure. I know I can find people to date. I'm told I am very attractive, but I don't think I will ever hold onto a relationship. Anyone experience the same thing and learned how to work through it? How do I know if maybe I just have great intuition and it's not me. The first guy definitely had major issues. In a way, I feel like I don't want to date anymore but that is a cop out and not deal with the issue.

ANSWERS

Hi dragonfly above. My name is Akua Bediako and I am a relationships coach here at Your Tango. You have many things going on here and I can feel your pain and angst over it. The good news is, if you really want to get past these things you can. Do the trust issues that you are experiencing stem from your marriage? Often when we have a bad experience it embeds itself in our consciousness and every time a similar event occurs we expect it to be just like the last time. I call these experiences triggers. It sounds as if you have several triggers working here: the porn, people lying to you about where they are and what they are doing, for example. Try to recognize these triggers for what they are, individual events. They do not always mean the same thing that they meant in the original situation. When one of these triggers comes up for you - stop and take a breath. Look at the situation at hand – is it really the same as in your prior experience or could it be exactly what your new boyfriend is telling you?

It also seems as if you may not have forgiven your ex-spouse, your old flame, or yourself. Many trust issues stem from our belief that we did not make good choices in the past and won’t in the future. Remember it always takes two people to have a relationship. Forgive yourself for any part that was yours. Any part that was not yours, you have no control over, forgive them too and try to let it go.

This will take you some time, however, once you forgive yourself and learn to recognize your triggers you will be able to open your heart more fully. It will be easier to trust yourself and others again.

Good luck.

If you want more information about me visit my profile or www.ayoliveinjoy.com

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