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Obsessed with his Exes

Published on June 14, 2014 by lovestolisten

This is going to sound weird...I completely Facebook stalk my boyfriend's exes. I hate even admitting that! We have been together for 1.5 years and he is a great guy. For some reason, whenever I am in a relationship, I HAVE to know what his exes look like, what they are like as people, what they do for a living, etc like it is my Job. Then I compare if I or they are prettier, thinner, etc. It is literally a compulsive thing. I wonder too if my partner thinks that I am better, prettier, better in bed, etc. Very weird, I know. I really want to stop this behaviour as it really takes a toll on my self esteem. Any thoughts or suggestions?

ANSWERS

You're not the first person to stalk your lover's ex-partners on Facebook, but there are a couple of really good reasons to stop.

The first is that the behavior can become addictive. Each time you see a picture or get a glimpse of information, I'm sure you get a surge of adrenalin. When behaviors are paired with adrenalin we tend to return to them over and over even if they're not healthy.

The second reason to stop is that comparing yourself to other women is a lose/lose. First of all, it's not a real comparison. You're comparing yourself to who you think they are! Everyone puts only a small sliver of themselves on social media - the skinniest, most attractive, most fun version of themselves. Comparing ourselves to others diminishes our unique version of beauty.

Your boyfriend is with you. Do yourself a favor and quit this addictive behavior cold turkey. Simply tune into him and your relationship to see how it's going and leave everyone else out of it.

Thank you very much for your input. You are completely right on all counts. It IS like an addiction. Every time I see a new pic or even come across an old one of the girl With my boyfriend, it's like AHA! But then , I feel like absolute crap afterwards. It's kinda funny, this past weekend we had some friends over and one of them was a female friend of his I'd never met before. She pulled me aside at the end of the night and actually said, without my prompting "Dave is SO in love with you! You are such a great match and he even said his exes can't even compare with you, its so sweet..." And it really did reaffirm everything, and what you've said here. It really is a crazy, compulsive thing. Even when I know consciously how unhealthy it is it is hard to stop, and it is Always a lose/lose. Thank you again for your input :-)

Here's one question I ask my clients when they say they're doing that same type of stalking (because I have heard that more than a few times). I ask them "how are the comparisons to his past helping you?" Alternatively, "are the comparisons making you feel the way you want to feel?" If the answer is "no," then the follow up questions are "how do you want to feel?" and "what would help you feel the way you want to feel?"

Everybody has a past, and it's the past for a reason. We have to live so we can learn, and hopefully once we've learned the lesson, we can leave it in the past where it was supposed to be. If someone was meant to be in our present, then we'll put the effort in to keep them there. Is is possible that your concern about keeping up with his past is interfering with your present (and future) relationship?

Ask yourself what you really want from him, from yourself, and FOR yourself. And if the "compulsions" are so strong that they are interfering with your work or your life in other ways, it may be time to visit a therapist to really figure out what's behind them.

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