YOUR VOTE

1 0

3 ANSWERS

Is the door still open for something in the future?

Published on July 21, 2013 by nicky3

Four months ago I met a man I can confidently say is an amazing, solid guy that I can see still see myself with in the future.

Six months before I met this guy, I had my heart completely broken. I trusted and cared deeply for a guy that did a number on me. When I met Mr. Amazing and he came after me, pursuing me and treating me like a woman deserves and wants to be treated, I was conflicted. On the inside I was so excited to have met this wonderful guy but on the outside I had built up some walls from my previous heartache.

After a couple months of him chasing after me and always trying to make plans with me and wanting me to meet more of his friends and family and him wanting to meet more of my family and friends and me keeping him at an arms length he started to get a little distant off and on but still the time we spent together was amazing and we would keep in touch every day throughout the day. After I had sometime to see that this guy was different I started to open up to the idea of letting this guy in and not worrying that I would get hurt like last time. During the time that I still had my walls up he would constantly ask me if everything was okay, tell me I seem different or distant and I would brush it off. Eventually he stopped asking me and started to get more distant. I thought if I just let him have his space he would turn around on his own. Instead he would get quiet and then communicate in fits in spurts questioning my level of interest etc. I tried talking to him and telling him how I was feeling but he seemed unwilling to really open up like he did before. I felt hurt that I was putting my feelings out there and not having his in return. I eventually told him I couldn't trust him with my heart anymore.

After I told him this he said he was sorry I felt that way, that I made him the happiest he has been a very long time and wanted me to call him and talk. I didn't because I really wanted him to pick up the phone and call me. After a day of me not responding he told me again that he thought I was done and that he hoped I was okay and that he thought I was so great and that I made him very happy. The next day I sent him a message to let him know how much I appreciated his kind words and that I think he is great as well and that getting to know him was a very happy time for me to. He told me if I ever have a change of heart to call him anytime. I told him I expressed what it is I need. If someone makes you that happy you dont let them slip away. I told him that he needs to figure out what he wants and it cant be at expense of my time and feelings. I am just an old fashioned girl at heart. He told me he knows I am an old fashioned girl and thats what drew him closer to me and that he knows he was distant and there is no excuse for it and that what we had and the way he felt was amazing. I told him that I know, because I felt the same. That it was the best feeling but that he was distant.

I know this is a lot, but I guess I am wondering if this is normal. For two people to think each other are so great, to acknowledge how happy we made each other and how amazing what we had was. I feel like there was miscommunication. Its like when he was open and had his heart in it completely he was hurt by my distance, in turn became distant when I had my heart open and then I was hurt.

I just don't know if this is the end for us, if there is an open door, if I should be the one to try and salvage something with someone I think is a perfect fit for me or if I should wait for him to be the one to initiate that possibility....

what to do? any takers on this one?

ANSWERS

I think that if this is really what you want, and you are in a good, stable place, than you should go for it. Take the plunge! Express to him everything you expressed here, and you’ll be in a good place. Let him know the journey you were on, and how much you appreciated him during your tough times. Don’t play games with this guy, just be honest and clear. Good luck!

I find it interesting that when Mr. Amazing reached out and asked you to call, you chose to stand on ceremony, wanting him to call you. Clearly, that was a missed opportunity. If you want to prove that you are willing to be open and available, then be open and available. He's invited you to contact him if you have a change of heart. What are you waiting for?

Sometimes you hit it off with a man, but timing isn't right or something gets in the way. As a dating coach for women, I want you to know reaching out to him and telling him your story may or may not work out. but, if you'll be sorry for not giving it one last shot - then go for it.

However, if things don't work out, know love is not always enough. While you both thought the other was amazing, something in the chemistry on both sides caused each of you to pull back emotionally. Not everyone is ultimately compatible which might be what you are currently experiencing.

Going forward, when you meet the next amazing man, know you cannot be guarded and build a strong heart connection. You don't need to bare your soul either - everything takes time. But when a man asks you why you are pulling away and you brush it off, that's a signal you are being too guarded.

Ronnie's advice is very sound. No man or woman is going to be happy or desirous of a relationship that is guarded. And standing on ceremony about who should call who is a context around relationships that puts more importance on ceremony than listening to your head or your heart. Call this old fashioned, or whatever title you give it - it is a recipe for disaster. Your current circumstance being good proof.

What has not been addressed is the trust issue. Your issue was never about trusting him, it was about trusting yourself. When we didn't trust someone, what we truly are doing is not trusting our own ability to be discerning. Things went badly in the past so now you think you have a hard time trusting men in the future. NO! You don't trust yourself, and it is likely you have not learned what went wrong in the past to the degree that you know how to be more discerning in the future. While you carry this burden from the past with you, you are not truly available for any deep relationship in the present.

If there is a chance with this current man, the first thing you must do is let go of any stories you are holding onto from the past. You have an internal trust issue. Where does that come from? It needs to be understood and eliminated, or the story you told us will repeat itself.

BTW: we attract into our lives what we need to learn and grow through. You two sound like mirrors for each other. There is a good chance your lesson is also his.

I am a YourTango expert and specialize in helping my clients shed their past stories, learn how to fully appreciate, honor and acknowledge their partners and ultimately experience true and expressive love in the present. If I can be of assistance please contact me. Best Wishes, Larry

ANSWER THIS QUESTION