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Is husband looking to cheat??

Published on April 27, 2013 by brits

My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Married for 7. We have 3 kids together between 12 and 4 years. I just recently found out he has joined some online dating/sex sites and just today added photos of himself to them. (shirtless at that) he does say on them that he is married, but checks the box saying he's looking for a "casual affair" or "something more". And has been looking through craigslist at the personal ads for w4m. He has not responded to any of the craigslist ones (yet) but I do believe he has just started chatting on the free sites to a couple women. No phone numbers or anything as of yet. I do have access to email and phone records, so I do know that much so far. This has kind of taken me out of left field. We were fine, I thought. We've always had a very good sex life, I've had friends comment about how jealous they've been about how great we interact with each other compared to their relationships. and are very open with each other about trying new things or what not. I have noticed him lately a little different. He's always playing this war game on his phone. And I mean ALWAYS with his phone in his face. Or playing a online computer game. ALOT. I've brought it up to him and tried to talk about when I'm at work, and he's on the computer, and our youngest whos not in school is just watching tv while daddy had head phones on playing on the computer. She asks him to play with her, and he responds "im in the middle of a game" and even when that ones over, doesn't play with her. just starts another game. Up until a few months ago, he would talk to me about his brother who does the same thing, and how wrong he thinks it is thats he just ignores his kids while on the computer. If I mention it though, I'm nagging, or i'm taking away something he enjoys and I never let him do anything, i'm trying to control him, blah blah. He is active, he joins vollyball leagues, softball leagues, flag football leagues, but yet I get told im being controlling not letting him do anything. To that I feel, we have 3 kids, 2 in baseball, which just started and between them is almost something every day of the week, and school for 2, homework, and I do my best to let him join his kids around their things, but I feel like he needs to remember he is a husband and a father of 3, sometimes he needs to slow down on everything he wants to do because we are an active family. Back to the dating thing, this has happened before. He's made profiles, searched for people on facebook, even was talking and texting some girl that was a customer from his job that he met once. I always catch him, he always apologizes and swears it will never happen again, but give it about a year, and it does. I honestly dont think it has gone all the way with anyone, but maybe that because i caught it too soon? the girl he was texting and talking to, they did talk about meeting up a few times, but they never did. If I have an issue trusting him, he throws the "D" word at me, and says if I can't trust him, then what's the point of us? I try, and I do eventually trust him again, but it seems like as soon as I do, he does something like this again. I guess I should throw in there, he's been quite the porn watcher some what recently too. I've never had a problem with it. he knows that I don't care, if it's with me, and not behind my back a secret and deleting web history. If I bring it up to him about the sites, he will lie. no matter what the evidence I have, he'll lie. and keep it up for as long as he feels he can all while being pissed at me for "spying". The more I type this, the more stupid I know I sound. Red flags everywhere, right? I don't want to be "stupid wife" and know that I probably am. I also know and am scared that I couldn't afford to just leave with my part time job and 3 kids after being a stay at hom mom for 10 years. And there is no family on my side. He has a big one, but I cant talk to them. They're his family, and they have said in the past that it's our problems and they want to stay out. Is any of this bad? Am I over reacting? I just need some kind of advice. Sorry for jumping all over the place, I was trying to fill in as many details as I could without writing too much of a novel, trust me, it could be MUCH longer. Thanks.

ANSWERS

Have you talked to him about this? Can you have an honest conversation? Try talking about how his behavior makes you feel, how it affects you. Do you love him? If you do, that may be a good way to start the conversation. It's not about accusing him so much as understanding what his motivation is here. Who knows what he wants or needs, do you? I believe honest conversation is the beginning point. Always welcome more discussion. :-) Good luck. Mari

This is so much to read! I can't imagine what it's like for you to have constant mistrust, yet the guilt for having it. This isn't even a matter of you being insecure. This man is giving you every reason to be.

It's obvious how important family is to you and how much you'd rather not it be a "broken" one. I commend you for that. I just don't want to worry that the relationship problems that you and your husband experience are dripping into the relationships with your children. And at least as far as the video gaming goes, it has.

It bothers me, too, that he doesn't mind dropping divorce as a solution to your problems. One of my friends who'd been dating someone for a while had a similar (albeit not marriage) situation. Near the last few months of their relationship, every time he would bring up a "dangerous issue" with his girlfriend, she would quickly and exasperatedly say, "Well, then maybe we should just break up."

Do you think that marital counseling is an option for you? I know that it can be awkward to "air dirty laundry" to a stranger, whom you're paying. But it is always helpful to get an outsider's impartial look at your problem. And maybe if it comes from that person, your husband would recognize your feelings.

I really hope things work out for your family. It's clear that you're fighting for it. But in return, someone should be fighting for you.

~Kimberly

Your relationship with him is over. Get a good lawyer and split the sheets immediately.

I recently found out I was the girlfriend of a married man. Had no idea. Met him online and claimed he was single. We were in a very serious relationship. After he was discovered, I spoke to the wife. It turns out that for the several years previous he was going online chatting with women, never met anyone that she knew of. Like you, she always felt like she caught him in time. Well this time around she found out that he was sleeping with/dating several women. You can either live in denial or start recognizing reality and figure out an exit strategy. You are in a very bad situation. This man has literally written online that he is looking for something more and interested in a romantic relationship with half-naked photos and you are clearly not recognizing that this man is not considering himself committed to you anymore. He no longer respects you, your family or your marriage. He wants out. What you need to do is go to an attorney and figure out your options before he just leaves or gives you an STD or gets some other woman pregnant. Your husband has essentially emotionally left the marriage. You need to worry about you and your children's future. A man who would behave this way has no morals, no remorse and no feeling for any of the devastation he will leave in his wake. He is no longer who you thought you were married to. One of the things I have learned through my hellish personal experience is never to superimpose your values on another, meaning don't assume that someone shares your values in the face of the evidence that they clearly do not. Some people, both men and women are highly gifted liars. For those reading this entry get the book, "When Your Lover is a Liar", by Susan Forward. It helped me make sense of my terrible experience.

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