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I think I can't be in a relationship.

Published on January 9, 2013 by anori

I was date-raped by someone I considered a close friend at the time (it happened during a trip abroad). I was devastated, since I had never had any type of sexual contact with a guy before.

I was suffering from severe PTSD until November, when I met an amazing guy on the internet. We clicked instantly as we were both trying to get over traumatic experiences (in his case, he's getting over his divorce). He's 26 and I'm 29.

I promised to visit him in March (he lives in another country, 4000 miles away), but as March approaches, I have been realizing that I'm not ready for any sort of relationship or physical contact (not even kissing).

This guy said that he will respect my no-sex-until-marriage rule, but he expects our relationship to go to fast that he began talking about marriage one month ago (and we met two months ago!). He wants us to get married in 2013. He says his loneliness is overwhelming and he can't go on much longer like this. He wants to buy me an engagement ring.

Oh, and he's very clingy. He expects us to chat for at least 5 hours a day (I'm studying and working at the same time). He's not jealous, but he hates it when I'm not at home to chat with him.

I'm starting to feel much pressure, but I know that he was suicidal when I met him. He's begun blaming me, telling me that to me my parents are more important than him and that it's a bad starting point for a relationship.

He's not very fond of my studies and I still have to complete my Ph.D. (still two years left). He says that studies, marriage, and children are not compatible.

I'm afraid of sex and anything related to it. I don't think I need any therapy - just time to heal. This guy wants to get married ASAP and I don't know what to do. I think at a certain point I have stopped liking him because of the pressure.

What should I do?

ANSWERS

You give a whole plethora of red flags on this guy (any ONE of which would be sufficient to say he's not the one for you) - write him out of your life and be glad for the averted disaster.

As for the rape you suffered, please see a therapist or a rape crisis center to get help (there is NO shame in getting help!) in dealing with your trauma. Also, please speak with a lawyer and see if it is possible to bring criminal charges against your attacker.

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