On July 3, 2012, mellobuck said:
I think what you need to keep in mind is that you are the subject of this fantasy of his. He is fully focused on you while with this other person. This is not fully out of the blue, remember, you both have discussed it as 'pillow talk,' he likely saw that as the preliminaries, and now is taking the next, small step in the discussion.
Many people, both men and women, have this fantasy and it shouldn't be cause to question your marriage. His line of reasoning is probably something like "My Wife is hot, seeing her with another man will be extra hot, and then she and I will cap it off with insanely hot sex."
A common result with acting out this fantasy is a renewed sexual attraction between the couple. As greater people that I have mentioned (Dan Savage, Christopher Ryan, and Cacilda Jethá) this playacting of biological competition really re-energizes the primal need for each other.
However, this does need buy-in from both of you, don't feel coerced or pressured or it will not be enjoyable for either of you. You mentioned that you were questioning so much, have you put these questions in words? A simple "Wow, honey, I though that was just fantasy, how far do you want to go with this?" may open up some discussion. But, please remember the earlier points, your husband is just opening up new ways to have sex with You, the players themselves are not as important as that.
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On July 3, 2012, guru girlfriend said:
Dear busybee1:
I think "Mellobuck" made a lot of sense in his answer to you. A lot of couples don't open up and express their fantasies to their partners and that is a shame. The fact that he felt able to open up to you about his desires says that he trusts and respects your opinion on the matter. His fantasy is not all that unusual. I've had a lot of experience dealing with this very subject in my consultations. There's no need for you to feel inadequate in any way - you are his fantasy. The third party, to him, is merely a sexual aid. He honestly wants to know how you feel about it. So, the real question is, how do you feel about it - knowing that you are the real object of his sexual affection? Don't rush to answer until you're comfortable bringing up the subject again, but once you've had a chance to mull it over in your head, you may look at it differently. If you're not into his fantasy, tell him so, but perhaps suggest a substitute fantasy of your own. If you are both able to open up to each other in this way (without judging the other person) maybe you'll find something that you both are comfortable with that will be equally pleasing to both of you. I will note that sometimes fantasies fulfilled have a way of morphing into more. Only do what you are perfectly comfortable with and no more. And if you do decide to fulfill this or any other fantasy, remember to practice safe sex. Also, I wouldn't recommend having any third-party participation with someone you know as a friend or things will get even more complicated.
Best of luck,
LJ
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On July 13, 2012, tanstaafl2 said:
Don't be angry with him - you were discussing fantasies together, and asking if you'd like to act them out is a reasonable thing. Tell him you love him too much to want anyone but him - the fantasy was just that and you have no desire to make it reality.
As long as he takes "no" for an answer and doesn't keep pushing, things are fine. If he persists with this, take a hard line and make it absolutely clear with him that you will NOT be having sex with other men and do not want him bringing it up again. If he still doesn't stop, either decide to put up with his pestering for the rest of your life, or get a divorce.
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On December 17, 2012, datemenow said:
OMG! This is so risky! I don't even know what to suggest. I mean you can definitely go for it, but what if your husband change his mind afterwards and says you are cheater?
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