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How do you gain your partners trust back?

Published on December 19, 2012 by loveableloser

I met my fiancé 1.5 years ago...She is an amazing woman, awesome mother of 3 kids who call me daddy and sex is amazing. However...2012 has been very rough as I travelled for work a lot this year, away for a week here three there or more. As the year began I was gone for three weeks and we had our first big fight...over the phone...(I don't advise this) My fiancé had an IUD (birth control) inserted about 8 months prior. This was messing with hormones and such... She would always look at the situation and come back and say she was sorry...

In May, we had a fight, she has accused me of having a girlfriend on the side several times...and this particular fight came before I left for a 10 day trip. I was frustrated with the accusations, and spitefully thought that if I have to deal with the accusations and penalties of cheating...I wasn't going to pay for the fun and not have it...all time stupid thought process I know....Anyway, while I was gone I answered 3 craigs list ads for women looking for men...They were all spam, tried to get me to sign up to some site to see more pics...I don't ever think I would have actually gone through with anything...but never the less...I responded to the ads and solicited a response....

That said, since my fiance and I started being exclusive...I have not had any sexual relations outside of our monogamous relationship. We are both very sexual people and she is the best lover I've ever had.

So, time went on and I completely forgot about what I did... she found the emails in a trash bin of my emails and confronted me... We are still together after 4 months but things are hard.... she got the IUD taken out and feels a TON better....but she still feels really hurt.

I really want to fix things and build back the trust that I lost....I haven't done anything remotely close what happened again, she knows all my passwords....My life is an open book...and she can check up on me...

My problem is that every avenue I try is met with disbelief... I tell her I love her, she looks pretty... she thinks its all fake...
We've had some problems recently as this email thing keeps resurfacing....

I do my best to realize its hormonal...as we just found out a couple weeks ago that we are pregnant!!! Which really excites me as it's my first child.

We have never been great communicators...(our biggest problem)... but lately sex has fallen off...but its not due to lack of desire either way...with the pregnancy, once the kids are in bed...we sit down together to watch tv and she's asleep...which is adorable... I think its a big timing issue...but all she sees is a lack of desire in me... but forgive the graphic detail, her breasts have doubled in size...I love it!!! It's like the mood isn't right...and I don't know how to get it there....you know, w/o making it seem fake...

I know there is a lot here, and I'm sure it sounds very random...but I'm truly scared things are in a free fall and we both just don't know how to tell each other how we feel and the other believe it

Please help me save my relationship.

ANSWERS

Tackle the emails thing head-on. Tell her, "Honey, I really f*cked up. I was being a real a$$ just before I left on that trip and I responded to those ads because I was mad. I realize that, even though nothing came of them, it was totally wrong of me and that I betrayed your trust. You, the kids, and our baby are the best thing to ever happen to me. I want to be the best husband and father the world has ever seen. I beg you for the chance to earn your forgiveness."

Next, realize that your fiance is apparently very sensitive to hormonal changes. The hormones in the IUD threw her out of whack (hint - when she goes back on birth control after the baby is born, there is a copper IUD that works just as well but does not contain any hormones). Unfortunately, what early pregnancy does to her hormones makes the IUD look like NOTHING in comparison. She's tired all the time, she's probably nauseous most of the time, her wonderfully enlarged breasts are very sore, and the discovery of those emails just reinforced some doubts she already had about you. This is not a good thing for a couple whose passions were already running high.

Be very solicitous of her during the pregnancy. Massage her back, feet, shoulders/neck and scalp for her all the time. Do NOT try for sex while massaging her (once she is feeling better, she may be ripping your clothes off, but let her let you know when she wants sex).

Take up as many of her chores and tasks as possible so she can rest. Spoil her with her favorite things (especially her favorite foods - assuming she still has any appetite for them). Take care of the kids and keep them out of her hair.

Get into reading all the new baby books you can find, and sign up for a new parents/childbirth class with her. Seeing you getting into being a father while you're doing everything you can to make her pregnancy easier will make you golden in her eyes.

Also attend the pre-marital classes that many churches now require before they'll marry you (even if yours doesn't - take some anyway). Talk about the wedding and keep going forward with it. At some point, she is going to feel awkward, undesireable and unlovable. Seeing that you want her as your wife more than ever is the best emotional comforting she can get during that time - you're demonstrating your intent to build a life together with her.

Finally, get a couple's relationship therapist and work on your communication skills, since you are correct in that this does seem to be one of your weak areas as a couple.

Good luck

Revisit your apology - sometimes we say things like "I'm sorry that hurt you", instead of saying "I hurt you and I'm sorry". Can you hear the difference in the choice of words? Can you feel it? Try that again, and spark the conversation. Next, allow yourself to love her while she's still angry. Find ways to give her the time she needs, especially through the pregnancy. However, it sounds like her jealousy is just that - her jealousy. Its part of her, and has little to do with you or what you do. There is work she will need to do in order to forgive you as well as stop testing you with her accusations. That's on her - she needs to do that part. Your part - BE trustworthy. It sounds like you're already doing that. By the way, time does not heal a thing, neither do back rubs, neither does sex. If you already know you have communication deficits, THIS is the time to find a coach or therapist to help you as a couple. It takes two to tango. Nobody can ruin or build a relationship on their own.

I found curious the IUD situation since I felt the same way when I had mine. My husband cheated on me not too long ago, even tho I was willing to re build our marriage, kept doing it. I understand about the lack of sex, It is hard to forgive and that blocks all those feelings. It just takes time and you are doing it right. Be an open book all the time, she will keeps tabs on u for a while, she will check ur phone, emails, all just to make sure you are not doing it again. If you are willing to do that, then time is just what you need. I wish my husband felt like you, but I was just replaced after 8yrs for a complete stranger.

Hormone induced or not, your fiancée is showing major signs of insecurity. Perhaps the hormones bring it out more, but I suspect these insecure feelings are always there underneath. It is time to get to the source of this insecurity so that it can be address. Perhaps it is partly a matter of low self esteem, but more than likely there are some current unmet needs that could to be addressed. Many women need to see evidence that you love and desire them. Intimacy is not just physical; it is a real connection of the heart. Perhaps you could explore love languages; find out what actions or expressions of love go the farthest in making her feel loved and appreciated.

I agree with the overall advice given above, particularly about focusing on improving your communication.... Plus you may need to break out of your routine. Turn off the TV and use that precious time after the little one go to sleep to connect with one another. Look directly into her eyes when you tell her what you are feeling for her. You really need to show your affection and desire with actions. Words only go so far. Don't wait for the "right" moment. Just make it happen!

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Rita Healter

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