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How do I get past everything?

Published on March 27, 2013 by lostandbroken

Ok...I separated from my now ex-husband, almost a year later I met a guy. We instantly clicked, and very well. We could talk for hours and hours every night...literally. well, our relationship continued and was going really well, I fell for him hard, and I was happy. Then, 4 months into our relationship, something horrible happened to me. I was raped. I told him about it, and he really didn't know what to do. He said he hoped it wouldn't affect us, and I hoped the same. A couple of weeks after, he told me it wasn't going to work out bc he would always think of that when we were intimate. I cried, and all that. I still think about him all the time, and that dreadful thing that happened that ruined it all. I wish he could deal with it, but he can't. We both didn't want to lose each other so we decided to stay friends. Well, anyways, he later ended up telling me that it was harder to break up with me than it was to divorce his ex wife, and he was depressed for a long time. He said he thought about trying it again, and wanted to, but he feels that he would always think about what happened to me. But now he has moved on and its really hard for me to deal with. I still wish I was with him, and I know that if that had not happened we would still be. But, my question, willl I ever get over him? I know it was fast to fall so much, but he fell too, and that makes it really hard to just drop it. How do I move on? I don't know if I should try to get him back, continue being just friends when we had so much more than that, or just move on(how?)

ANSWERS

Lostandbroken, I am sorry to hear about your pain. It is actually double pain--the pain of the rape being intensified by the pain of your boyfriend's reaction to it.

As they say, "Time heals all wounds." If you need to seek counseling to help you move through this situation, that would be a great option. There are many places you can go to find counselors, psychologists, grief classes and workshops, etc. You don't have to suffer alone.

I did a quick Google search about getting over a lost love, and one psychologist recommends not contacting your lost love if you are trying to gain closure. It typically backfires and can prolong the pain.

If your ex has also mourned your loss but still can't face the rape issue, it's really up to him to make the move to try to get beyond it. Perhaps you could recommend some things he could read or places he could go to get help getting beyond it.

If you don't see he is making progress or making a move, then you need to ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone who is incapable of supporting you in your time of deep need.

This is a resource I found in my search that might help you understand the mechanics of your issue a bit better, and get a feel for how you would like him to work beyond it: http://www.capefearpsych.org/documents/Rape-mensguide.pdf

In the meantime, treat yourself extra special. Get involved in activities you enjoy. Some of them should be with other people so you can shift your attention away from you and him and on to new friends. Think about volunteering to help someone else in some way. This is the best way to get your mind off of missing your relationship.

Hope these ideas help you!

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