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Craigslist Personals, where do I go from here.

Published on July 20, 2014 by jsikes909

My husband & I have been married for 13 years & we have a 12 year old son together.nTo say the least our marriage has been a roller coaster with more downs than ups. My husband devoloped a gambling addiction in our second year of marriage & the lying, broken promises & deciet nearly cost us our marriage & is still a stressor in the relationship. If that isnt devastating enough, over the last 3 years I have found that my husband has subscribed to & had profiles on different Casual Encounters Dating Web sites. The first time I caught him, he reluctantly admitted it & said he was curious to see what those sites were about. Now I am 45 years old & not young & nieve & I knew there was more to it but I decided to choose my battles & at the time it just wasnt a battle I was ready to fight & he agreed to delete the profiles. Now, more recently within the last 3 weeks I have caught my husband test messaging a married friend of mine innappropriately, althought he deleted his text massages, my girlfriends husband saw them on her phone & contacted me. I read the test messages that came from his phone & dispite her denying his advances, he continued to persue her. Dispite what was in front of my face he has continued to deny that he sent the messages, says someone used his phone & it wasnt him. If that isnt insulting & disrespectful enough now I have caught him responding to a "Craigslist Casual Encounters Personal" ad for sex & dispite the proof in hand he is completely denying that as well. Says someone hacked his email & sent the reply & even discribed him accurately. I am so devastated & hurt & dont know where to turn. I am not stupid & like I said, I am 45 years old & we have been married 13 years so this isnt something that I am willing to give up on & start over but if he wont admit to doing these things how can I look forward to resolving the issue & even begin to forgive or get past it? My self image has been crushed, I feel I have been disrespected & decieved. To add to it all, I am having vivid nightmares & I wake up sobbing nearly every morning & I have been having panic/anxiety attacks that feel like my chest is being crushed & I cant breathe. My doctor prescribed xanax & I suffer from uncontrolled high blood pressure. I know I cannot go on like this & I know I cannot let this go. He wont consider counseling because "he has done nothing wrong". Where do I go from here? I feel like my world has crashed down around me without the means for picking up the pieces. I have found several different websites where people are going through the same thing so I know I am not alone. The only difference is that thier husbands were man enough to own up to what they have done & accept responsibility for thier actions, get counceling & move forward, whereas mine is not. I welcome any advise or direction. Dispite my husband, I will be seeking counceling for myself. Thank you for taking the time to read.

ANSWERS

Dear jsikes909,

First I'd like to say how you're feeling truly is very normal. Because of all the emotional stress you've been under for so long the anxiety, panic, high blood pressure, nightmares, etc. are a very normal way for you're body to react. I understand that we all have to pick our battles and how hard you've tried to make this marriage work. I hear that you can't go on like this and you are also not ready to let go.

I understand how damaged your self-image is and I hear how worn down you are. I imagine you're wondering how you can muster up the energy to either; continue to fight for your marriage or leave it. And I also imagine that if you even think about leaving you're probably wondering if you're too old (or maybe to damaged) to meet someone who would love and cherish you.

I'm glad to hear you're going to seek counseling for yourself. This truly is the right place to start. Through counseling you'll get tools to help restore and rebuild your self-image, sort through all of your feelings, and ultimately be able to feel healed and whole. I hope you'll start working with someone right away and I would be honored to be considered. Christine@ThePerfectCatch.com

You do deserve to be happier.

Coach Christine YourTango.com Expert

I understand how hard it can be when someone is not being honest in a relationship and from my experience in working with many people I recommend the following:

  1. Since you're feeling confused and conflicted and not ready to take any final actions,

  2. Take time to focus on you and love yourself deeper. I truly would recommend the CDs I have below on self-love. We must develop this for ourselves and then we can make better choices for ourselves. I also do self-love coaching.

  3. And if you do end up moving down the road of divorce, I have a great book for parents that even parents considering it said was helpful: The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict.

I know I have made it successfully through this journey of self-love. Relationships are our biggest teachers.

I have created meditation CDs The Healing Journey Within: Meditations For Abundance and Love, Volumes I and II to help anyone on the journey of taking care of themselves and loving themselves (see link below). I also have a new book coming out in a few months: In Love With Me: The Girls Guide to Self-Love and Relationships. The meditation link is below. It is a great resource for anyone who wants to have healthier relationships because it all begins with us!

I wish you all the very best success.

Shannon Rios Paulsen, MS Life Coach & Therapist www.inlovewithme.com www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

http://www.amazon.com/Meditations-Abundance-Love-Volume-Deserving/dp/B00B7U2M8A/ref=ntt_mus_ep_dpi_1

I counsel men and unfortunately I've heard this story many times before. There's an emotional honesty gap between you and your husband that can't be easily bridged. That he's unwilling to take responsibility for his behavior and is unwilling to be accountable makes him a bad bet unless he can own his behavior.

That you're suffering physically is awful and it's likely you'll continue to suffer since there's no honest communication in your relationship.

You might want to begin thinking about what's best for you in this situation, because clearly your husband isn't concerned about your well being. There's no possibility for love if there's no trust between you.

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