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Confused

Published on July 18, 2013 by sunshinee

This is a bit long, so bear with me.

I met this guy almost 5 yrs ago, he is 8 yrs older than me. At the time he showed strong interest and we dated for a summer before I had to leave for my hometown. One thing to note is that he wears a gold ring on his ring finger sometimes, I didn't think much nor ask him about that at the time for I wasn't that into him and only considered it casual dating. We did "almost" had sex though. Shortly after I got home I suddenly felt like I really like this guy, we e-mailed each other for a while, but he disappeared on me about a couple months later. I wrote him an email explaining my feelings for him thinking it would be the last time. He replied after some time. So sets our pattern over the next couple of years, email intensively for maybe a month or two then slowed down, i always let him initiate. we admit feelings for each other and he brings up that I should move closer from time to time. We also joked about our own relationships, but I never really had anyone serious for too long, not that I was fooling around, it's simply because I find it hard to fall for someone, but he didn't know this and I just let him assume I have someone Long story short, since 2011 we started talking more seriously, few incidents happened but we resolved it and started a LDR since 2012 sometime after i moved to another country and him officially breaking up with his on and off ex of 5 yrs b/c she cheated on him. When we were in that LDR he's unwilling to say we r bf/gf b/c he said he can't do LDR. But other than that it was perfect. After 4,5 months my work situation got bad and his dad's medical condition worsen added up the stress and we started fighting a lot. I went home without meeting him b/c I couldn't get the visa and his family didn't want him to leave the country. Exchanged emails and occasional phone calls during the following months, his dad passed away so I gave him a lot of space. We eventually picked it up again at the end of 2012 and he almost begged me to go visit him, I pushed it through feb to finally decided to go. But just at this time he suddenly becomes harder to reach, even when I asked him when should I go he just can't give me a firm answer and kept blaming it on his work. After some fights and an almost cancellation I finally made the visit. Didn't stay at his house b/c he has family members staying with him temporarily. Did spend one night when they were out of the house b/c he said he felt bad if he doesn't take me back to his house and show it to me. The visit was great, even after 5 yrs of absence, it felt natural for us to be together. However, he was wearing a ring again! I asked him about it and also if he's seeing anyone. He assured me he's not even dating and 100% single b/c his job took all his time, he only wears the ring to keep women away to focus on his work. From what I observed, it could be true, and we were always honest to each other about other relationships so I believed. Before I left I brought up "the talk" with him, also after I got back home we continue the talk b/c he kept saying we are friends and we should let it grow naturally, he also said he wants to say he's in a relationship with me but the distance made it too hard for he has trust issues thanks to his 2 cheating exes, also that we don't really know each other b/c we never spent actual time together. But he said he loves me after I admit first, he even tried to impregant me(we talked about it and he knows I need to get married first if that happened) when I was there and said he'll be very happy if I can. That's why I had the talk with him. I'm so confused, if you love someone, even tried to make a baby with her, how can you not call her ur gf? Now I'm suspecting he has someone else. Reason is that he got a dog few months back, first he's not a dog person, second, I found a girl that uses his dog as her profile pic. When I was visiting he said a friend of his and his gf is taking care of the dog for him b/c he's too busy and they love the dog and also good with dogs. After i found out about the pic I went paranoid, but didn't confront him. I'm going to grad school in a place that's a hr and half drive away from him and kind of want to wait and see what happens. He still sticks to "being friend" for now. But whenever I ask he said he doesn't have nor want to date anyone else b/c he's too busy. Also I've been initiating most of our contact since I got back, he blames everything on work and family and seems to apologize sincerely. What should I do if I really want to make us work? What about this girl that seems so shady?

ANSWERS

I can’t speak to if he’s got another woman somewhere (maybe, maybe not) but it sounds more than anything like he’s keeping you on the hook, waiting for a perfect time when all the other factors in his life work themselves out before he starts a relationship with you. This perfect time does not exist, for anybody. He can’t commit to you right now, but he doesn't want to lose the chance. You need to ask yourself how long you want to stay on the hook for, and if he’s worth it given all you've gone through for not much in return.

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