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Am I the only one who has ever felt this way?

Published on April 3, 2013 by navywife

I am 29 and have been with my husband now for 12 years. He is the only person I have been with. We met when I was 16. I was heavy when we met and have been through the whole relationship. I know he loves me for what is on the inside but I recently had weight loss surgery and have lost a whole person. I am 98 lbs lighter and he has been deployed through the whole thing. He has not seen me since I have been skinny. One the other hand I get so much attention that I never have in my life. I feel horrible bc I love him and he is a good dad and husband, I did not say perfect, but he is good. Well I have recently had these feeling where I want to be alone. Not with another man but I want to be me, free. I have never found myself I have always taken care of someone and never took time for me. Now I want to. Its nothing he did but I feel really strongly about this. Anyone have any insite on this. I really need help...

ANSWERS

Of course you are not the only person who feels this way. Maybe finding someone to talk this through with could help you take the best plan of action.

Hello navywife,

In answer to your initial question, no you're absolutely not the only person to feel this way. The feelings you're having are very understandable especially given all of the circumstances.

You didn't mention why you decided to have the weight loss surgery. Was there something specific that happened? Was it to take care of yourself? A health issue you're experiencing? You were ready for a change?

I'll answer your question as if you said, "it was elective surgery because at 29 you were ready to change your body." Please let me know if I'm incorrect.

Making a significant change (losing a whole person) not only affects the physical part of your body it also affects your emotional and mental parts. So, it's completely understandable that this would bring up new and different feelings and thoughts.

You mentioned, “I have never found myself." "I have always taken care of someone and never took time for me." "I recently had these feeling where I want to be alone." "I want to be me, free." It definitely sounds like this is one of the first times in your life you've done something just for you. And wanting to be able to do more for yourself is normal. And it sounds like you feel the only way to do this is to be on your own without your husband.

Since you clearly said; you don't want to be with another man, you truly want to be on your own and you feel horrible when you think about leaving I'd like to give you some food for thought. When anyone spends all of their time 'doing for others' and none of their time 'doing for themselves' they can start to feel unfulfilled, empty, frustrated and resentful. You mentioned you've been with your husband for 12 years. You didn't mention who you've been taking care of. Do you have children, work outside the home, care for parents, etc? And with your husband deployed the responsibility to take care of everything falls on your shoulders. I can imagine your exhausted.

All of this can definitely leave you feeling empty and often you're not even aware of the empty feeling because this all feels 'normal' to you because it's all you've known. Then the thing you've wanted and needed happens and suddenly you're aware of how empty you feel and you understandably want more.

I've broken my answer into two posts because it was too long to insert into just one post. So, please continue reading my answer in the second post.

Coach Christine

Dear navywife,

Here is the rest of my answer to your question.

It's normal to believe that if you change your circumstances (living arrangements) you'll start to feel better. The challenge with this is you'll still not have the tools to start taking care of yourself (and not everyone else) and you could quickly end up right back in the same situation just with new people.

I'd like to offer you another option. There are many ways you can stay in your marriage and; learn who you are, receive the attention you want and need and have time to do things for yourself. How would that feel? You said you love your husband and he's a good dad and husband. How would it feel if you could stay with him and get your needs met?

Achieving this will definitely take work and adjustments on you part (and truly you need to do this work even if you decide to leave) and the benefits are so rewarding. First learning what you need to feel fulfilled, then creating boundaries to insure you receive them and then working through the old messages that convinced you that taking care of others and not yourself was okay are the basic steps that will bring you the feelings you're craving. I know this is achievable for you.

I've heard very similar stories from my coaching clients and if you're willing to give coaching a try I know you can learn the tools to fill the empty parts inside of you to overflowing.

Wishing you comfort,

Coach Christine

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