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Am i over-thinking my new relationship?

Published on May 16, 2013 by everthine22

I am 4 months into a relationship with a lovely and amazing guy, and i have definitely fallen for him. I think we still have things to learn about each other, and even more connection to build, which keeps it interesting. But here is the thing, i have already thought about the future, naturally, and i think i have doubts, already. Basically he wants to emigrate eventually, build a life abroad, which i love the thought of, but at heart, i think i am traditional, and more than that, feel like one day i want kids, marriage and a stable home, not a purely hippy existence. Now whilst we share similar values and similar traits and personalities, i can't help thinking our future plans are too at odds. I say i want the things he does, but part of me keeps thinking, 'no, actually, the normal and boring life we could lead here, is actually not such a bad option'. And i keep thinking this. Then again we are both very young (me 22, him 23) and this is new, is it too early to throw something away purely because i think we might clash ten years down the line for example. Nobody knows what the future holds so surely it would be daft to throw it away over it? Then again isn't it doomed if we aren't 100% on the same wavelength?

ANSWERS

WRONG. The top three priorities for couples: children, money, the thermostat. You are already jinked up on number one. Run away as fast as you can, run like the wind.

This is my assessment: "YOUR" fears of the future is topping you from being able to currently love and be content in the NOW. His ambitions,dreams, and desire to travel shouldn't be looked at as if he is wanting to be unstable because its not a " get married ,have babies, buy a home with a white picket fence or own a condo." I am going to go out on a limb, but lets surmise that: this guy has witnesses people in his family do all the things you are brainwashed to do by following the leader and now we have all these foreclosures,broken families, and people are stuck in debt but never got a chance to travel the world, get life experience in just being a free spirit. My point is just because someone dreams, ambitions and desire to travel doesn't fit into "YOUR normal" doesn't make them a hippy. Whether you would clash ten years down the line is not the point, all I ask is you "LOVE" in the current and let him spread his wings and don't try to sabotage him with your negativity. There are people who join Ameri-corps, and different missionary based organizations and give themselves in service or barter room and board and take jobs overseas and live just fine. I think if you were to open your mind to "this is not all about you" you could see ways to accept that he is young, he may not want to get tied into a 9-5 job or be tied down with a mortgage and car note. Because apparently he understands women are quite selfish and self seeking and surely spending $5-10 thousand dollars on a weeding and then accruing debt in the first 3 years of marriage isn't exactly every mans perfect picture of "LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST"- and thats basically what will happen, and does happen with traditional thought processing. I think you have a great deal to learn from him, and whether its fantasy right now,or he's pushing himself to make a difference in the world with experimenting seeing if he can live around the world before he gets old,has debts, and is raising children he should have your support. A lot of men can be kill joys when it comes to a man saying he may not be ready to have children right now and want to enjoy his youth and freedom before getting locked into serious responsibility. The types of dreams he has doesn't make him irresponsible, or unaccountable just because it doesn't suit your American Fairytale themes of what you want.

Correction : " a lot of "Women" can become killjoys to young men dreams, and ambitions when it comes down to a man saying he is not ready to have children right now, and want to enjoy his youth and freedom before getting locked into serious responsibility". Most dating last between 1-7 years, within that time men start to mature but not without females friends and family pressuring the female to get some type of long term marriage commitment from the guy. which means around the 5 year mark women tend to get negative while they try to boss a man into a marriage, then you have the next two years him breaking his back to buy rings,get better housing only to go into debt for all these things just to make everyone else think they are successful. Yet, on the flip side if he were to travel and get life experience traveling the world he could be just as happy and no pressure to fit inside of a box. Like Going to the military without having to die,kill, or meet everyone else's demand of what he should be doing in life. this guy already understands women and their sinkhole marriage plans. He will find many women overseas who will have no problem "Following a fella who follows a dream"

American fairytale? Ok, well i am English, but i understand what you mean. I agree with you, A LOT, i think that his dreams are not irresponsible, i guess sometimes i worry we will clash in the long-run. I have resolved in my mind that i am going to forge ahead and enjoy the now, as you so say. I will keep my independence though, if in 5 years i want to move out and get somewhere to live, i will forge ahead with that too. Our futures don't have to be completely intertwined and decided right now.

I think it's a tad unkind to suggest he'd find plenty of women elsewhere; my point was that we are in love, but i don't want to stay put and invest my time energy and love into someone who essentially wants something bigger and better than i can be a part of. But i believe with strength and understanding, i can be with him, and we will be fine.

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