YOUR VOTE

1 0

2 ANSWERS

Am i over reacting or should i be concern?

Published on April 25, 2013 by ester

I been with my bf for 10months now. I know he really loves me and wants me in his life. We met each others family and spend time with them. We are in a serious relationship. i live on my own currently and he does too. He asked me to move in with him and i agreed. We plan on moving in together on July. The reason why i am confused is because i don't understand if this is a male thing or should i be concern. I asked him about marriage and he said that he doesn't know if he would ever want marriage all he knows is that he loves me and wants to share more time with me. I felt like..(does he really love me the??) Also, i have told him about us looking for an apartment together but he says he doesnt want an apartment and that he will buy a house because he wants to make investments and we can be better secure. I want to help also but he says this is a man thing and he wants to do it on his own. I can't understand why he wants to buy a house and move in together in a house but has no plans on getting married... Am i over reacting or should i be concern?

ANSWERS

Hello Ester,

In answer to your question there could certainly be “man” things going on. Something a lot of women don’t understand is a good man basically wants the opportunity to provide for the woman in his life he cares about. So at face-value (if he’s a good man) his words indicate he’s thinking about the future and how to make it secure for the both of you.

I hear you’re truly asking two larger questions though. You want to know if he “really loves you.” He said he loves you enough to want to move in together and to share more time with.”

You also want to know if he eventually will want to marry you. He said he doesn’t know if he would ever want marriage.

Another thing I know about a good man is he’ll tell you the truth. So, I think it’s important for you to believe this is how he feels today.

If you acknowledge he’s telling you the truth of how he feels today it sounds like his answers are unsatisfying for you. I can imagine if you feel differently today (and have different goals for your relationship) it’s normal for his answers to cause you concern. Your uncomfortable feelings might be letting you know his requests are stepping over some of your important boundaries. If you haven't talked to him about these boundaries (or you don't even know about them yourself) this is a great reminder to let him know. If he's a good man he'll want to know what will make you happy (as well as what doesn't.)

I’d like to mention the importance of figuring out what your boundaries are and if they are a match with his.

(more in my second post)

If you haven't clarified your boundaries before here are a few questions (there truly are many more) to ask yourself that might be helpful in clarifying your boundaries. 1. What are your boundaries around living together? Not being married? 2. What do you really want and need when you live with someone? 3. If you would like to be married how long are you willing to live together without marriage? 4. What is your preference as far as the financial arrangements are concerned?

You might find that living together without marriage isn’t a problem for you or you need to be engaged to live with someone. You might find that not contributing to the finances of the house makes you uncomfortable or that performing the activities that keep the house running smoothly feels like an even contribution.

When you’ve confirmed your boundaries it’s important to talk them over with your boyfriend. It’s essential during this conversation you each FIRST have a chance to express what’s important to you, SECOND clarify what areas are a match and where you feel differently. THIRD discuss what compromises each of you are willing to give (that don’t go against your core beliefs and values) so your living together will feel good for both of you.

Moving in together is a big step and it’s important to establish your boundaries and find out what his are in order to make this new arrangement in your relationship smoother.

Learning the technique to clarify, discuss and compromise each of your boundaries is definitely a foundation you’ll be able to use forever to create happier relationships.

If you need more help with any of the steps please let me know.

Coach Christine

ANSWER THIS QUESTION