30-Something Women Have Babies On The Brain
When you hit thirty, your biological clock begins ticking, and loudly.
Ask almost any childless women in her 30s to name five things that have been on her mind lately, and there's a good chance she'll mention her biological clock. It may not be the first thing she names—her career, the economy, saving for a house, her parents' health, the health of her relationship, finishing her dissertation, fitting back into her skinny jeans, and finding someone to share her life with may be getting more of her attention; but for a vast majority of us, the idea of having kids is something we think about nearly as much, if not more, than almost everything else. After all, our biological clocks and the issues of when, whether, and how long we have left to procreate determine so many other variables in our life. And for those of us who wait until our 30s—a quickly growing number of us these days—it's a decision we face when the stakes are especially high. The Frisky: Girl Talk: My Biological Clock Is Broken
One friend of mine, Amy*, has been married for several years and has big, blow-out arguments with her husband "every three months or so" over when they're going to start a family. He keeps saying "one day" as he has for the last few years, and she, at 34, says "one day" needs to be now(ish). "I go through phases, though," she confides to me over dinner. "For one week all I can think about is babies—it's usually triggered when I hear about yet another friend getting pregnant or having a kid—but then it passes and I'm fine for the next month or so. ... I do want a baby, though," she adds, thoughtfully, "and soon. I just don't know if I can wait that much longer." The Frisky: 10 Reasons Not To Have Kids Yet…Or Ever
April, another woman I know, who's single and just a few weeks shy of 30, says she's so sure she wants a baby (sooner rather than later) that she won't date anyone who isn't at least "reading the same book, if not on the same page." She says she usually finds a way to subtly bring up the topic after a few weeks of dating and if the guy is adamantly opposed to children, she quits seeing him. "It's just too important to me to risk falling in love with someone who doesn't want them, only to have to end things because my desire to have kids is non-negotiable and so is their desire not to," she explains. She is, however, amenable to dating a guy who's on the fence about children. "I tend to think men don't have the same innate desire to breed the way women do," she says. "They have to be convinced, or, uh, just put in the position where, "GUESS WHAT?! We're having a baby!" because I firmly believe every guy, unless he is a sociopath, will love his child more than anything in the world and will be so, so, so happy about the wonderful changes a baby brings to his life." The Frisky: Girl Talk: How Soon Is Too Soon To Talk About Kids?
What worries her more than falling for someone who doesn't want kids, she declares, is not falling for someone who does until it's too late for them to have biological children together without "an a**load of help." She says she'll consider having a child on her own before that happens, but that the thought of having kids "without a partner is kinda sad." The Frisky: MERRIme, A Web Comedy About Online Dating
She echoes the thoughts of many women her age and older who have anxiety about finding Mr. Right before their biological clock stops ticking for good. "I'm fine being single," admits Kelly, a woman in her mid-30s. "I have a fulfilling job, a wonderful circle of friends, and I'm financially and emotionally independent. But I do want kids one day and I really can't imagine raising them without a partner." She's not currently seeing anyone and isn't actively looking, so Kelly worries that by the time she meets someone she wants to have children with, she may not be able to any more "the old-fashioned way." "It makes me wonder if I should be putting more effort into dating," she muses.
More from The Frisky:
Discussion
I don't worry about being a young mom or old mom, I just worry about being a good mom. I know that waiting to have a kid is ultimately going to make me a good mom, because I am spending time now, focusing on my career and my life to get it to a place where when I have a kid I can make it all about them and not feel bitter, slighted or like I missed out on anything. I also think that having a mom who has a full life is a good example for kids because they see that they can go after their dreams like I am, they can try and make it work.
I do feel some of the clock ticking (I'm 27 and I suspect it will tick louder in 3 years), but I do my best not to worry to much about tomorrow. I stick to my plan, deal with things as they come and try and not let worry consume me.
I think there is something to the biological clock, but I also think its been used in a pretty negative way to make women feel miserable about their choices. All the women in the article should feel proud of themselves!
Karen, this will sound harsh, but, please, bare with me. What would you do tomorrow, and all the days that followed, if you were told that in 9 years you will die. That's it, no altered futures, no get out of jail free cards. BAMM, in 9 years, dead. It is a truly, and utterly, a horrible thought. How long, in those remaining nine years, wasting what little precious time you have, would be spent trying too figure out how too live those nines years left? It is probably something that would consume all of us to a degree - an idea that big. Eight-hundred pound gorillas in the room would run away screaming from the enormity of that problem. 9 years. TICK. That, in a nutshell, is what you have just told us. Like a pyramid of destiny unrealized. Your pyramid of destiny unrealized, and, you have just placed it, POINT first, down on your head. Your pyramid of destiny unrealized... is point first -upside down - base waving in the air -, grinding into your skull right now..... Of course, I really don't think you have a pyramid on your head, but, the strain on your heart, without a child, is still the same. That massive. There is no difference. Three choices - young mom, old mom, no mom. So, what to do? You need to re-align, or alter, that strain. It would be nice to just have a baby and plop... the pyramid it right as rain. Base on the ground, the heights unlimited, lofty, in the air. But, that has yet to happen... So what is left... It is a triangle - three sides, three different releases... your pyramid of destiny unrealized. Place the pyramid on its side... lay it down, on the ground, on it's side. It may not be perfect, nor what you had planned. Don't throw it away...(I really know you won't but I do have to say it)... don't throw your pyramid away... Because you know, once that pyramid is built... it could become one of the natural wonders of your world, your upside down pyramid, your destiny un-realized. Your child... So whats left... throw away pyramid, or point of destiny pinning down to the earth, TICK... or... lay it down - alter your idea of a pyramid for awhile... it will still look the same. Maybe not to you. If you don't tell anyone...you... will be the only person too know that pyramid is laying on it's side - To everyone else... they see a big triangle on the ground. You, however, will know your pyramid is not quite perfect... it is laying on it's side, not sitting on it's base, not right side up, or upside down. Laying sideways, to release the pressure. The release that comes in understanding, and preparing for it as well, that you just may have to be... if you really want that child... an older mom... It may take that long. It may take your 9 years of naturally ticking clock, and then a little more, to make your pyramid. If you still have the heart to build it, and you want to keep your brains intact, lay that pyrmid on its side... release that strain of a nine year clock and understand, you just may need to be... an older mom. Like you said, there are allot of possibilities.... and who needs too live under some nine year sentence. Especially, a time frame that is simply a shift of one definition to another. Young Mom, Old Mom. No mom. Since I know you want a child, the last is off the table. So I say... young mom... old mom... new mom - after all there really is no difference in the beginning of mom. She, no matter her age, can always be a new mom. Lay that pyramid on it's side.
Because, between those lines you wrote, I see that hyper defined destiny slowly crushing you.
"They have to be convinced, or, uh, just put in the position where, "GUESS WHAT?! We're having a baby!" because I firmly believe every guy, unless he is a sociopath, will love his child more than anything in the world and will be so, so, so happy about the wonderful changes a baby brings to his life."
NO!!!! Don't force a guy to have a baby. This has got to be some of the worst relationship advice out there. Babies are wonderful. Children are amazing. Not all the changes they bring to your life are good.
Babies don't let you sleep. Sometimes they cry and you can't stop them. You have to clean up disgusting, stinky messes on a regular basis for years. You may go for months without sex. They cost a lot. You don't get time off. You can't go hang out with your friends. They are noisy, dirty, and disobedient. They throw tantrums in public and you can't stop them.
If you want babies, all of that is worth it. I can't imagine how anyone would get through it if they didn't.
"The right time" - and the right circumstances has not been our problem.. we r married for nearly 4 1/2 years now and for the last 3 years have been trying for a baby but still have not been blessed with one of our own... the biological clock does worry me/us - concept of "old mom" does worry me - everytime when I hear/see my friends & relatives playing the role of mum which I have been playing in my mind, for God knows how many years.. kind of drags me down the road to depression... I cry,, I anger,, I question "Why me/us".. I give up.. then again I have hope, still to be devastated again ... and life goes on and the clock does tick... but what can I/we do??? tomorrow is a new day.. either way life will go on..
