The Unexpected Secrets I Learned Working As A Love Coach In A World Of Lonely Men
Some of these lessons changed me forever.
andreswd, Bob Price, Mehaniq, MPKphoto, Solstock | Canva Who would have thought you could ever get tired of being in a world centered around love?
Well, it happened to me.
I used to be a relationship coach who had to deal with lost love all day long. I got tired of it.
People struggling, not having a fulfilled love life, crying over lost love, and not being able to find themselves or a significant other in the dating game that is getting more and more difficult every day. It was hard on them and it was hard on me.
I loved helping them, but I was also heartbroken to see them suffer. So I eventually decided to take a little break and reconsider: Did I really want to do this?
One week later, surprise! Somebody called me with a job offer from a cam studio: they wanted me to work with "their girls" as a relationship coach and therapist.
"Their girls" were cam girls. Their job was to sit in a hotel-like room and talk in front of a camera to lonely men from all across the globe.
My job was to supervise the conversations between the girls and the gentlemen and see where the girls needed help with forming pleasant and lucrative relationships. I was also supposed to offer psychological support afterward, because you know, pleasant and lucrative takes a lot of mental and emotional work.
It might seem like a crazy job to some of you. To me, it seemed … incredible.
This was my chance to deep dive head-first into people’s most intimate desires. To see both sides of the equation at the same time. Hear both sides of the story as they were unfolding. No bias, no walls, no he-said, she-said. I would know what they both said and be able to give informed and appropriate guidance.
To the psychology enthusiast inside me, it seemed like a magnificent job. It turns out you were right — it was actually crazy.
But it taught me everything anybody needs to know to have a fulfilling relationship. It opened up a door into the human spirit and its deepest darkest secrets that no therapist’s office or psychology book could have ever provided.
If you want to go deep, you need to go raw.
Here are 4 unexpected secrets I learned as a love coach in a world of lonely men:
1. Men will do whatever it takes to get women to admire them
They will do it with all women — cam girls included. Men crave women’s attention and appreciation so much that they will go to incredible lengths to get it. Through whatever means necessary.
Sometimes not the best of means.
I’ve seen men’s self-confidence turned to dust by the refusal of a woman they’ve never even met, two continents and an ocean away. I’ve seen men sell their houses, and yachts, and give up their old age fund for one thing: a woman who appreciates them for who they are.
They do it because that woman, hidden in some poorly ventilated room in a distant Eastern European country looks at them as if she could potentially see past their flaws, their old age, or their inability to function like a well-adjusted individual in an ever-demanding society.
And that look of love is worth more to them than anything else.
If you manage to make people feel loved exactly as they are, they will crumble to your feet. And if at one point you take that love away they will turn mountains to get it back. Acceptance is a magnificent force.
2. If you’re enthusiastic and don’t judge, you’ll never be alone
At some point, it became quite frustrating to me that one of the main requirements for the girls was to always be in a good mood, smile, be energetic, and exude happiness no matter what state you’re in.
Your dog died? Smile! Are you having a piercing headache? Exude confidence and give him a virtual hug. Whatever he tells you about himself, be careful to never be shocked at how absolutely damaged he is. And you see a lot of damage in that field.
Smile and wave, smile and wave. It seems daunting and unfair, doesn’t it? That’s because it is.
But now let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Regardless of your gender, or what you’re into, do you like it when your partner is grumpy and keeps a morose attitude the whole day? Or are you looking for someone who can’t display the slightest amount of compassion for what you’ve been through?
You don’t need to answer. Nobody likes Grumpy and his best friend, Judgy-Hollier-Than-Though.
The best relationships are with people who are energetic and enthusiastic about being around you. And when they also understand what you’ve been going through and don’t judge you for your faults, you feel seen. Accepted for who you are. Loved. And isn’t that what we all want?
Of course, nobody wants you to be fake and constantly hide your feelings in real life. Just don’t let them wreak havoc on the population.
The camming world takes everything to the extreme. You need to always be sunny and not be phased by the darkest things. But keep in mind those people are paying for a certain attitude. And like the great majority of us, they want to pay for someone that makes them feel good.
Happiness and empathy are without a doubt two of the key components of a successful love life.
3. Sex is overrated
Although it’s a huge subject and attention-getter, nothing in this world is about sex.
This was a job in the virtual adult industry. Nobody was meeting anybody, and there was no physical contact, but there were sexual acts involved. Quite often.
And at first glance, you’d think the job of a cam girl is about sex. It’s not, just like the job of a therapist is not to sit in a chair, although they do that quite often too.
Here’s what I mean by that: Although most of the guys logging onto cam girl sites had sex on the brain, almost none of them came in to require sexual services. They came in and started talking the girls up, telling them how beautiful they were, and paying them a million compliments.
This seems quite crazy since they could just ask for it, pay for it, get it, and be on their way. But they didn’t want it that way. They wanted to charm. They wanted the women to fall head over heels, to want to give themselves.
They wanted to be seen, admired, desired and loved. That’s what they were paying for. And when they received it in a credible way, not only did they pay, but they also fell head over heels for the women who delivered that feeling.
That’s when they were turning into what they were expecting from the performers. Because yes, it is nothing but a performance. None of the girls admired, wanted, or loved these men. It was just an acting job with a sexual component. And if they were good actresses, a very lucrative paying job. But the physical part had very little to do with it. It was all about feelings.
4. People live to please — yes, men included
Did you know that men’s most ardent desire when it comes to women is to make them happy? Yeah, me neither.
At first, it was all about physical pleasure, but once the relationship advanced and the two became closer, they actually wanted to make that woman happy the only way they knew how. Send her flowers, buy her gifts, and spend a massive amount of money on her.
The girls knew that. All they had to do was … allow it to happen.
That’s how I learned one of the most important lessons of my life: the main step to happiness is to allow it.
The most successful workers in the studio were the ones who actually enjoyed receiving. The ones who knew how to accept a man’s love without asking him to be anything that he wasn’t.
Would that be possible in real life? Certainly not to that extent. Those women were performers and they were getting paid to play the role of a girlfriend, lover, confidante, therapist, mother, and best friend all rolled into one. The key word is paid.
But as long as there is compatibility, yes, for sure it can be extended to real life. That doesn’t mean having any expectations or accepting whatever somebody has to offer just because he wants to give you the world. It might be a world that you want nothing to do with and that’s OK.
However, there is an art in receiving that few people master. And it’s a key component to happiness, inner peace, and a fulfilled life.
The main thing I learned by diving deep into this world of chaos, drama, love, money, and profound loneliness is that people are not evil, but they are broken. And no matter how broken they might be, they expect you to love them just the way they are. All you have to do is choose the right ones.
Mona Lazar is an unapologetic writer, unconventional relationship coach, and wild dreamer with words published in Better Humans, Medium, Illumination, The Soulciety, Newsbreak, The Startup, Hello, Love, The Good Men Project, Curious, and others.