The Subtle Tactic People Use To Control And Undermine Their Partners, But Few People Can Identify
Everyone does it sometimes, but some people do it to be cruel.
Dragana Gordic | Shutterstock In order to feel loved in a healthy relationship, you need to be able to effectively communicate. You want to feel validated and listened to, it's a core need for nearly all human beings. That's why stonewalling is one of the sneakiest, cruelest ways to disorient and control a partner.
You may have heard the term before and wondered what stonewalling looks like in a relationship, and if your partner is doing it on purpose. And if so, you certainly wonder why and how to stop it. Fortunately, there are expert resources and insights that can help!
What is stonewalling in a romantic relationship?
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are more than just iconic couples therapists, they're also leading researchers into the elements of successful relationships. John Gottman and The Gottman Institute founded the idea of the Four Horsemen of relationships — or the four major signs your relationship is in serious trouble.
He has suggested that stonewalling is one of these "Four Horsemen" — and that it is detrimental to an extreme.
Stonewalling means that when you are you partner are “...in a discussion or argument, the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded.”
Signs of stonewalling
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Stonewalling can happen anytime when your partner becomes emotionally dysregulated and stops talking with you. Sometimes, you will observe the following signs that your partner is stonewalling: Tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors.
Other signs include: Saying as few words as possible, refusing to answer questions, asking for “space” from the other without explanation or making plans to reunite so the issue isn't left unresolved, remaining emotionless when asked to express feelings on the issue at hand.
Someone who is stonewalling may offer no opinions, responding with, “I don’t know what I want,” when asked to resolve issues collaboratively or agree to things only to get space from the other. The problem is that these are not authentic agreements, and their partner likely knows they won't be honored, leading them to feel patronized to or even lied to.
All of these things can cause you to keep having the same arguments over and over, which many people will tell you is "crazy-making" and exhausting.
Men are more likely to stonewall a partner
Men are consistently more likely to stonewall in relationships than women. They will withdraw emotionally from conflict discussions, while women remain emotionally engaged. While men do it more, when women stonewall, it's even more predictive of divorce for the couple.
Why? It's possible that men are taught stonewalling as an avoidant behavior when they're overwhelmed as part of a tradition of male stoicism. That is, they may have learned from their fathers and grandfathers that shutting down is a natural reaction to emotional situations. This isn't healthy, but it offers insight into why some men may react this way: They may. not necessarily be choosing a cruel behavior in order to disorient and silence partners.
After all, men are emotional! Therapist and expert on male emotions, Logan Cohen, explains, "Studies have actually shown that men are 'more emotional' than women in that the “hypothalamus” — the part of our brain that determines a threat and signals a stress response to the rest of our body — is more active in men, not less."
Even if it is inadvertant, that doesn't make it innocuous or less harmful. Stonewalling can be profoundly upsetting for anyone, but women tend to find it especially isolating when men do it. This is shown to increase their physiological signs of stress, like increased heart rates and shakiness.
These feelings of stress and anxiety are then prone to push someone into a more reactive state, making them less rational and measured and more likely to purse the conversation more intensely, which triggers further stonewalling.
That cycle of stonewalling is key to why it's so destructive, even in otherwise healthy relationships.
The difference between stonewalling and gaslighting
You may have heard the terms "stonewalling" and "gaslighting" and figured they were the same or linked, but these are two separate concepts. Stonewalling and gaslighting share common unhealthy communication patterns, but their intention often differs.
With stonewalling, the intention is to shut down emotions that may trigger the stonewaller's own feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and abandonment. The intention of gaslighting is emotionally abusive and to tear down the other person's defenses.
This is not what causes stonewalling, but gaslighting and stonewalling may co-occur. This is one reason why "the silent treatment" is so effective in making people feel disoriented and lonely, and why many mental health professionals consider the silent treatment to be abusive.
How stonewalling and gaslighting interplay
As the recipient of stonewalling, you may feel shut out, hurt, angry, and not heard, and this feeling may be useful to a person who is trying to control and undermine their partner.
You may feel unloved and uncared for, because when you try to connect with your partner, you are ignored for hours, days, or even weeks. This may create feelings of loneliness in your relationship. You may feel abandoned and clingy towards your partner, or stonewall and ignore your partner to try to hurt your partner in return.
Gaslighting comes into play in this dynamic when your partner says something like, "Why would you feel that way? I haven't done anything mean to you. I just don't want to talk as much as you do."
But stonewalling is much more than simply not wanting to talk in that moment, and that lie can become a part of gaslighting control.
How to interrupt and stop stonewalling in relationships
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After you start seeing the signs of stonewalling, you can change your communication patterns. There are four distinct steps to recognizing and dealing with it.
1. Recognize the signs of stonewalling.
You need to learn to look for the signs that your partner is starting to stonewall, such as looking away or shutting down. Note their patterns before and during stonewalling.
2. Pause.
Before the situation happens again, you need to decide that next time it happens, you will stop the conversation. You can stop the conversation by having a code word that signifies break time, using the referee "time out" hand signal, or asking for a break.
Honor the request if either of you calls a time out or pause, and recognize that the conversation is not going to be productive if you continue talking.
This part is key: Establish that you're taking a break you both agree to, and that you will be back to finish the discussion later. Set a time or loose time frame to return to the conversation (i.e. 20 minutes or tomorrow afternoon).
3. Learn self-soothing techniques.
Beforehand, think of ways that you will take time to calm down, such as listening to soft music, performing meditation or relaxation, journaling, or using a calm app on your phone.
Dr. Gottman found that it usually takes 20 minutes to an hour to calm down enough to have an effective conversation.
4. Restart and repair.
When you restart the conversation, you may want to think about how you can discuss the topic in a effective, calm manner.
You may need to apologize for what happened in the previous conversation and repair by apologizing for things that were said when you were emotionally flooded.
Ultimately, stonewalling in a relationship impedes communication and connection and it cannot continue. When you understand the signs of stonewalling and what stonewalling looks like in a relationship, you will be able to learn how to address it effectively.
If that doesn't work, reach out for support from a couples counselor. If your partner won't participate, it can be helpful to seek out individual therapy to support your emotional well-being.
Lisa Rabinowitz, LCPC is a licensed counselor in the state of Maryland. She is a certified Gottman Couples Therapist and PACT Level 3 Candidate.
