4 Fun Ways Couples Can Spice Things Up To Cure Any Relationship Rut
Make your relationship fun and exciting again!
4 PM production / Shutterstock The idea of falling out of love with your partner is a real fear among couples who have been together in a long-term relationship and worry that their marriage is getting stale.
But there are ways to fall in love again and learn how to spice up your marriage with unique, simple techniques that you can practice every day.
Even if you're worried that your marriage is "stuck" or your relationship is broken, before you even think about divorce or separation, give your relationship another chance and really work on improving your intimacy.
The trick to fixing your relationship? Focus on what brings you joy!
Focus on your own pleasure and joy.
An old teacher used to say to me, “Be in it for your own pleasure!” Now, on the surface, I know this idea sounds insanely selfish to apply to a relationship, but when you strip it down, it makes total sense. It’s a broad metaphor for all of life, really.
Who says you should have to do things you don’t want to do? In fact, why put yourself through any experience you find unbearable?
What if you asked your partner about their day because you really cared about the answer? What if you were focused on them because you were truly curious about them again? What if you were being thoughtful because you genuinely cared about their happiness?
Couples often stay together out of fear.
Many couples stay together because they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings or because they're afraid to be alone. Some might say it's “because of the kids,” financial reasons, or any other reason than the truth: "Because I want to be alone!"
I think it's pretty obvious that it’s best to opt into your relationship, and your life for that matter, because it's where you want to be. Fear truly is the greatest deceiver! We fail at times to see what is so painfully obvious.
Staying with someone you don’t want to be with is not an act of kindness.
Do you really think your spouse doesn’t sense how disinterested in them you are? Do you think they can’t feel your perpetual resentment?
Worse still, what do you think that elicits from them in how they feel about you? Being in a relationship out of need is not doing anything good for anyone. Not only is it prolonging the inevitable, it’s making each and every day together more painful for you both.
Predictable routines make relationships boring.
The human brain wants to create habits in your life as much as possible. This is largely why when you are in long-term relationships, you can so easily fall victim to a routine way of interacting with one another.
You ask the same questions, eat at the same places, have sex in the same positions, etc. You fall into the roles you’ve unknowingly established. This is why marriages can feel so stale as time goes on!
You may believe that inevitably, all relationships fizzle out over time. After all, how can you be excited about your partner’s job after the four-millionth complaint? How can you be interested in their stories after hearing them one thousand times? After things have gotten boring and comfortable?
Even if you feel like you’ve lost touch and can’t remember a time when your relationship felt fun or exciting, it's possible to reignite the fire!
4 Fun Ways Couples Can Spice Things Up To Cure Any Relationship Rut
1. Make your partner a priority again.
Remember how thoughtful you once were about your partner's needs and wants? You wanted to surprise them, make them excited, make them feel good. The most selfish thing you can do in any relationship is to make their happiness your desire!
Because when someone feels good, happy, and excited because of you, they then will shower good thoughts and feelings back onto you!
Remember those butterfly feelings you used to get from being with them? If you keep this up, you'll find that those butterfly feelings come back.
Begin to break the habits and patterns you’ve established long ago that you are not even aware of. Tune into what it is you like about them instead of focusing on what you don’t!
Before reacting to something they say or do, pause and think about what you're doing. Acknowledge them more and understand that in love and relationships, the details matter most.
2. Include humor and fun.
Make sure to laugh with your partner and connect with them on adventures and time spent doing things you both love.
In relationships, it can be easy to forget to let go, play with each other, and have fun. When your partner is being wishy-washy and indecisive about what to do, tap into what you want. Feel for what excites you in your body and have fun with each other.
After all, what’s the point of being alive if you can’t enjoy it while you’re here? Humor and jokes can go a long way and are good for your mental health, too.
3. Try new ways to be intimate.
Plan to try something together without making a huge commitment to it. This can be incredibly useful in relationships as a way to flex different muscles of communication or experimentation.
For example, you may decide to improve intimacy by deciding to have sex every day for two weeks. Or perhaps you're going to set a timer and kiss for 15 minutes every day. What would that experience be like?
With this new knowledge, things can quickly become a lot more exciting. As part of this “experiment," maybe you agree to come up with a list of “demands” that you both honor, no matter what.
The possibilities are endless — just make sure there are clear parameters that you both agree to and that you have a plan to adjust if it isn’t working.
One thing to look out for is letting life interfere with the commitment you’ve made to one another. Make sure that you go into this willing to give it your all.
4. Treat your partner as the most interesting person in the world.
Attention in the present moment is where all of your power lies. Not in the past, not in the future.
In yoga, there is a saying: "All you really have is 24 hours!" In this technological age, attention is a great commodity — corporate American spends billions trying to get it from you.
How many times have you been out at dinner and spent half of it writing texts or emails?
Most of your attention is so split, that if you're among the few who give others undivided, quality attention, this gives you a superpower.
To practice giving your partner all of your attention, try this workout:
You and your spouse sit and face each other. One person describes in detail all of the features of their partner’s face. “I notice the hair on your eyebrows slants up and then curves back down. There are thicker and thinner parts.”
Sounds weird, right? You and your partner could have a lot of fun when you try to focus such intense attention on each other. This can be your experience in your relationship all the time. You can make a practice out of it like you would with meditation or yoga.
Decide that your partner is the most interesting person in your life, and give them your undivided attention — make it into a game, even.
Be on the journey together and become a person that they want to find interesting, too. Develop your character, get to know yourself, and know that the most interesting place is not in your head, but in the people and the life around you.
Samantha Benigno is a mental & behavioral wellness specialist. Visit her website to learn more.