9 Cheeky Ways To Feel Sexy As A Stay-At-Home Mom

Most moms of small children feel as asexual as a paramecium. Strangely, this does not prevent their husbands from wanting sex.

I’m on your side and want your marital sex life to grow as wild and uncontrollable as the mint that I planted in my garden two years ago that is now taking over my entire yard. Also, I would like it to be equally leafy and fragrant. Damn, overshot the analogy again. Anyway, here are some helpful tips to help you get your mojo back.

Best of all, these libido enhancers can all be done during your day spent with the kids, so that when your husband gets home at night, you are raring to go like a wildebeest in heat.

Here are 9 cheeky ways to feel sexy as a stay-at-home mom:

1. As you bend over to pick Cheerios off the floor, make sure to move seductively

Like a panther or like Blanche Dubois. Make your arm movements fluid and sensual. An observer should be unable to distinguish you from a tango dancer, except for the baby poop on your shirt.

2. When your husband calls, answer using your huskiest and most arousing tones

“God,” you will murmur, “Have I told you how crazy it drives me when you leave for work and forget the lunch that I packed you in the refrigerator?” Make sure the kids don’t overhear you, you naughty seductress.

3. When you’re at playgroup, keep your juices flowing by bringing the conversation around to sex

Ask detailed questions about your hostess’ sex life with, and before, her husband. Ignore when you’re asked to leave and continue your sassy girl talk until you and your toddler are forcibly removed from the premises.

4. Wear a bustier to Mommy and Me class

When the other moms look at you strangely, be kind. They are just jealous that you’re in touch with your inner sex goddess.

5. Serve dinner by candlelight

When your baby catches on fire, make sure to wiggle your rump enticingly as you spray him with the fire extinguisher.

6. Eat slowly and seductively

Hold your husband’s gaze as you down that third bowl of ice cream after dinner. Mmmmm.

7. Handcuff your husband to the bed

Tell him that until he promises to do the laundry twice a week you will not unlock him. You cheeky minx.

8. Write erotic notes and leave them in unexpected places

Like Slide 2 in his PowerPoint presentation for a new client.

9. Show up at your husband’s work dressed in nothing but a trenchcoat

And with nothing else but three kids, a diaper bag, three kids’ lunches, your purse, a change of clothes for the kid who is potty training, a portable sticker chart for the same, and a smile.

So the next time your husband asks you (lovingly!) why you never want sex anymore, you can surprise him by saying that you are in fact in the mood. The mood to watch Real Housewives while you eat potato chips. And afterward, maybe even sex.