Celebrity Marriage Therapist Reveals 6 Pieces Of Advice That Change Relationships Fast
Bruce Springsteen & Gwyneth Paltrow's therapist, Dr. Terry Real, shares some of his best advice.
Jacob Lund via Shutterstock Sometimes you hear the words of a therapist or a wise person on TV or a podcast, and they stop you in your tracks. Sometimes it feels like they're talking right to you.
When it comes to Dr. Terry Real, a true luminary in the field of relationship therapy, these moments happen so often that it's hard to keep up!
His profound insights have the power to challenge and reshape our understanding of human connections, whether it's in an interview, one of his books or in his training sessions.
Here we've gathered six of our favorite transformative pieces of advice from Dr. Terry Real, each a gem that has the potential to reshape how we approach and nurture our relationships.
Six nuggets of relationship wisdom from Dr. Terry Real
1. "There’s nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better."
Real advises against harshness, asserting on the podcast "Open Relationships: Transforming Together", "There’s nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better." Communication is the foundation of every relationship.
Real emphasizes the need for empathy and careful expression to avoid unnecessary damage.
2. "The best gift you can give your children is a healthy you."
Prioritizing self-care becomes essential, not just for personal growth but also for setting a positive example within relationships. Real reveals, "The best gift you can give your children is a healthy you." He even shares the work he did to become a healthier version of himself in order to give his own children a different future.
When we prioritize self-care, we are investing in our emotional, mental, and physical health. This investment, in turn, ripples through our interactions with our children, partners, and those around us.
By addressing our own needs, we not only bolster our resilience but also set a powerful example for our children. They observe firsthand the importance of self-love, self-respect, and maintaining personal boundaries.
3. "The best way you get what you want is to appreciate what you’re getting."
When we actively express gratitude, we set in motion a chain reaction that extends beyond mere politeness. It becomes a powerful force, fostering a positive atmosphere where reciprocity flourishes naturally.
In the simple act of acknowledging and appreciating the efforts and qualities of those around us, we contribute to the strengthening of bonds. Real says, "The best way you get what you want is to appreciate what you’re getting."
4. "An angry woman is generally a woman who doesn’t feel heard."
Real also explained the importance of understanding emotions on the podcast, particularly when it comes to women expressing anger, "An angry woman is generally a woman who doesn’t feel heard."
This can be challenging, particularly if someone has a history with an angry or even violent adult in their past. But it's important to face our past traumas and remind ourselves, when it's appropriate, that anger can be a healthy emotion, and not all anger is designed to do harm.
In fact, anger can be an important emotional arrow that points to areas where we need to do more work or more healing, or support the person we love.
Actively listening takes center stage in Real's approach. It goes beyond the surface level of hearing words; it involves a genuine effort to comprehend the emotions underlying the expression of anger. When we lend our ears with empathy and an open heart, we create a space where individuals feel seen and validated.
This act of attentive listening becomes a potent antidote to the isolation and frustration that may accompany unexpressed emotions. Actively listening and offering compassion can address underlying issues, contributing to healthier connections.
5. "Love demands democracy."
"You can’t love from the one up, you can’t love from the one down. Love demands democracy," Reals advises.
Relationships thrive on equality and shared decision-making, creating a balanced and harmonious connection. In relationships, it's crucial to keep things equal and make decisions together.
When both partners have a say and their voices count, the connection stays on a steady and happy track. Terry Real suggests that a balanced and harmonious relationship is all about working together to make choices, avoiding any lopsided power dynamics.
This approach to equality ensures that both people play a role in the relationship's development, making it a shared and fulfilling journey for both.
6. "...There are people we need to make feel bad about what they do."
In challenging the conventional approach to affirmation, Real suggests, "We spend so much time making people feel good about themselves, there are people we need to make feel bad about what they do."
Constructive criticism, delivered with empathy, can be a catalyst for positive change, fostering personal and relational growth! And there are people making destructive choices who need to have someone step up and explain the hurt they're causing.
Affirming people's emotions is important — but we have to be careful not to empower or embolden people whose emotions fuel them to do destructive things.
Dr. Terry Real isn't just your average relationship guru — he's the kind of therapist whose words hit you like a reality check, making you rethink your relational choices every time he speaks.
So, here's to softer conversations, taking care of yourself, showing some love, listening like your life depends on it, playing fair, and, well, sometimes making people face the music.
Deauna Roane is a writer and the Editorial Project Manager for YourTango. She's had bylines in Emerson College's literary magazine, Generic, and MSN.