The Powerful Question That Can Save You Years Of Heartbreak
Before you get angry, stop and get honest with yourself.
Tassii / Getty Images Signature via Canva Relationships are like complicated webs made of feelings, connections, and shared experiences.
In the journey of creating and keeping relationships, we often disagree or become frustrated with our partners. For people who have a history of dysfunction in their childhood or other attachment issues, disagreement and feelings of discontentment with a partner can be unsettling. Maybe you worry your partner will leave because of the "bad" feelings, or maybe you're tempted to flee the relationship yourself.
It's in these times a simple tool can be a lifesaver, not just for the relationship but also for personal growth.
Trauma-trained therapist and licensed professional counselor Yolanda Renteria, famous for her short, brutally honest (but helpful) TikToks, shared a great tool for these moments in her appearance on the YourTango podcast Open Relationships: Transforming Together.
When you're feeling challenged, try to deconstruct why you believe something or why you feel the way you do.
Ask yourself: "Why? Where is this from? Am I sure this is true?"
Cohost Joanna Schroeder agreed, sharing that she asks herself that question every time she assumes the worst of her husband, admitting often they come from a self-protective place rather than a curious one.
In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we rarely pause to reflect on the beliefs that shape our thoughts, actions, and relationships. The question that can be a game-changer in this regard is deceptively simple yet profoundly impactful: "Why do I believe this?"
This allows us to deconstruct our assumptions.
This self-inquiry goes beyond the surface, delving into the core of our convictions and shedding light on the underlying reasons driving our perspectives. Effective communication is the bedrock of any successful relationship. It's the lifeline that ensures understanding, resolves conflicts, and strengthens the bond between individuals.
Asking yourself, "Why do I believe this?" transcends the surface level of dialogue, diving deep into the roots of our convictions and, in doing so, fostering a profound understanding.
It's like a compass, helping us look inside and think about our beliefs, motivations, and views. Asking this question becomes a moment of discovering more about ourselves as we navigate through mixed emotions.
This question encourages us to dig into our thoughts, going to the core of our strong beliefs. It pushes us to explore where our beliefs come from, uncovering hidden assumptions or biases that might affect how we see a situation. By shining a light on these hidden aspects, the question helps untangle the confusion.
Beyond its impact on the relationship, this question becomes a trigger for personal growth. It pushes us to face our own limitations, biases, and preconceived ideas. In doing so, we build a better understanding of ourselves, becoming more empathetic, understanding, and emotionally intelligent.
Why This Question Needs To Be In Your Vocabulary
It's Your Personal Reality Check
Asking yourself why you believe a certain thing forces you to confront your assumptions. Many times, our beliefs are based on assumptions that may not be grounded in reality.
By questioning these beliefs, you unveil the assumptions that might be influencing your thoughts and actions. YourTango Founder and CEO Andrea Miller stated on the podcast, "When we start deconstructing and asking ourselves some very basic questions, I think that is when we are most free."
It's An Opportunity To Explore Your Values
Our beliefs are often rooted in our values. Taking the time to understand why you hold a particular belief can lead to a deeper exploration of your values. This self-awareness is crucial not only for personal growth but also for maintaining alignment with your core principles in relationships.
Co-host and Parenting expert Joanna Schroeder reflects on the podcast, "It's that one question that opens the door into interrogating our systems that maybe we didn't know were there."
It Opens Doors to Empathy
The question "Why do I believe this?" serves as a gateway to empathy. When you actively seek to understand the origins of your beliefs, you cultivate a mindset that is open to understanding others' perspectives.
This empathetic approach can be transformative in resolving conflicts and fostering stronger connections.
It Facilitates Growth
Growth stems from self-reflection. By consistently questioning your beliefs, you create a habit of introspection that propels personal growth. As you evolve, so do your relationships, as the clarity gained from self-inquiry positively impacts how you interact with others.
Schroeder gave an example of asking this question with her husband, "I started doing this in my marriage where I would be assuming the worst of (her husband): he's being selfish, he;'s trying to take away my free time, etc., and then I'll be like "Why do I believe this?" and sometimes maybe he's being a jerk and other times this is my defensiveness."
It Enhances Communication
Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. When you ask yourself why you believe something, you equip yourself with the ability to communicate your thoughts more clearly.
This, in turn, promotes understanding between you and your partner, friend, or family member.
An Example Of How This Question Works
Your partner wants to spend a weekend away with friends, citing a need to decompress and do an activity that you're not particularly interested in. For the purpose of this example, let's say it's your husband he wants to go ride dirtbikes in the desert.
Your first instinct might be to be suspicious. Why would he need to be away from you? Is he having an affair or do you just drag him down? Is he trying to shirk responsibilities at home?
By letting this first set of assumptions go unchecked, you are reacting purely from an "old" place. Maybe you have an abandonment story from your childhood or maybe an ex cheated on you.
Either way, you should ask yourself that key question: Why do I believe this? Where is this coming from?
If you can be honest with yourself, you may determine that your initial panic or push-back has nothing to do with him and he shouldn't be punished for it.
Of course, your husband may have a history of cheating or getting too wild and self-destructive on these weekends away. If that's the case, that's what will come up for you when you're honest with yourself, and maybe that's a very good reason to react strongly to his plans to ride dirtbikes.
Questioning your initial response or belief doesn't mean your gut reaction is necessarily wrong — it just gives your more reasoned, thoughtful self an opportunity to chime in!
This question can also be a powerful tool in parenting. Are you making a decision regarding your kids because it's simply how you were raised ... or are you truly examining the issue at hand?
In the end, the journey of relationships is full of ups and downs. It's the storms of disagreements and conflicts that test the strength of these connections. Yet, in this chaos, the question becomes a powerful tool, guiding us through challenges and leading us toward resolution and personal growth.
It turns moments of confusion into chances for self-reflection, helping relationships not just survive but thrive.
So, the next time you find yourself grappling with a belief or facing a relationship challenge, pause and ask yourself this transformative question. The answers you discover may not only save your relationship but also lead you on a path of self-discovery and personal evolution.
Deauna Roane is a writer and the Editorial Project Manager for YourTango. She's had bylines in Emerson College's literary magazine, Generic, and MSN.