7 Painfully Honest Reasons Spouses Leave Their Partners, According To Experts
Why partners choose to leave.
RDNE Stock project | Canva There are countless ways to leave your partner, but every reason to go will cause the same painful question to be asked. "Why?"
Here are 7 painfully honest reasons spouses leave their partners, according to YourTango experts:
1. Because they married an illusion
One painfully honest reason spouses leave their partners is they realize the person they married (or thought they married!) isn’t who they would choose as a partner anymore. There was an illusion or dream of who their spouse was early in the relationship, but no longer.
It could be because your partner changed or because you changed — or because your perception early on was naive or skewed in some unrealistic way. But, once you see and admit the truth about your relationship and who you each are, it’s difficult to stay unless someone changes.
— Dr. Cortney Warren, Board Certified Clinical Psychologist
2. Because there's a lack of emotional safety
When partners don't feel safe in their relationship, they'll have a hard time with communication, intimacy, and overall connection. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and a build-up of resentment. Over time, the bad starts to outweigh the good, and it can make leaving look more appealing.
— Blair Nicole, MA, Psychology & Marriage Family Therapist (AMFT)
3. Because they drifted apart from fear
They grow apart in their interests, goals, values, and a lack of respect for the other's choices.
One or both spouses are no longer getting their needs met, one doesn't want anything to change and is afraid, and the other is growing in new ways.
For example, Mary and Bill have developed in different ways, and Bill doesn't support Mary's new approach to life. Mary loves Bill, but she wants to be in partnership with him to enjoy life together and have his support for her goals even if he doesn't want to do them. Bill doesn't want anything to change. He doesn't support her in her new direction. He is pushing her away because he doesn't support his partner.
Examples of his lack of support: He shames her new spiritual beliefs and desires to eat healthily and get sober. He likes to drink and eat fast food. She wants to return to school to learn new skills and get a promotion; he wants her at home every night. She wants to travel, and he doesn't, so he doesn't want her to travel and leave him alone.
Mary wants them to see a relationship coach so they can find common ground and ways for both of them to be happy. Bill blames her when he's unhappy and thinks she's the problem. He wants the old Mary back, and that's it. His reaction to her changing has triggered fears he had in childhood, and his refusal to accept her need to grow seems selfish. She doesn't want to hurt him. She wants to be with someone who loves and respects her even if he doesn't like the changes.
If and when Mary sees that Bill fears change and her desire to grow, she may choose to leave him and pursue her interests. When he realizes she will leave him, his fear of losing her might be more crucial than her changing, but that wake-up call might be too late.
Bottom line: When you do things because you are in fear (from the past or in the current situation, you push your partner away because you are more focused on your safety, not their happiness.
— Marilyn Sutherland, Relationship Magician at Love Lead Connect
3. Because they are sexually incompatible.
Sad but true, even if the "honeymoon" sex period was good, many people realize over time that they are not as turned on by their partner as they were in the beginning. While a poor or dead sex life isn't a deal-breaker for most, in my field, I see people who want to leave to find more joy and compatibility with another.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Sex Therapist
4. Because of total self-sacrifice
You are always pleasing your spouse at the expense of your own needs. If you continually put your needs aside to please your spouse, you likely are trying to keep the marriage happy, or at least peaceful, and avoid arguments. But over time, so much resentment will build up in you that you can't feel the love you once felt for this person, much less the passion. For a marriage to stay alive, both partners need to feel that their needs are respected.
— Frances Patton, LMFT
5. Because they'd be happier alone
As a spouse, you realize your attraction to your partner was superficial because they told you they loved you and did things to please you. Once you get married, you have nothing in common with them anymore.
In the beginning, you were the center of their world. They told you how beautiful, smart, and amazing you were. They bought you gifts. They asked what you wanted to do, where you wanted to go for dinner, and where you wanted to go on vacation. You made choices together to fulfill both of your desires. They went to movies you liked, and you went to theirs. You had lots of experiences and desires in common.
Now, they rarely compliment you or thank you for what you do. You don't feel special. You feel like you're someone who cooks and cleans. You used to have lots of things in common and lots to talk about. You had fun together no matter what you were doing. During sex, they wanted to please you. Now, during sex, it seems like they want to please themselves. Now they watch shows they like on TV and don't ask what you want to watch. They hang out with friends more than with you.
You're thinking you'd be happier living alone.
— Marilyn Sutherland, Relationship Magician at Love Lead Connect
Photo: Tirachard Kumtanom via Shutterstock
6. Because of emotional unavailability or unresolved emotional trauma
The beginning phases of a relationship (the honeymoon phase) are fun and exciting. How our brains respond to new love is similar to how brains respond to addictive substances. Tons of feel-good chemicals are being released, and things are easy.
In the beginning, partners tend to see the best in each other. Over time, these feel-good chemicals wear off, and the reality of a relationship sets in. Partners start to see each other's flaws. Things start to get real. For partners who are emotionally unavailable or who have had unresolved emotional trauma, this can seem incredibly threatening and scary.
Having a successful long-term relationship requires work and the ability to be self-aware. For some people, this may be too threatening and difficult.
— Blair Nicole MA, Psychology & Marriage Family Therapist (AMFT)
7. Because of infidelity
Based upon my many years as a divorce attorney, I would have to say that infidelity is often identified by the majority of my clients and prospective clients as the circumstance which has brought them to my office. Moreover, unlike other divorce causes, which often work in combination, it alone can be the death knell of the marriage.
— Ronald Bavero, Divorce Attorney & Author
For whatever reason the divorce happens, there will be pain, hurt emotions, broken hearts, and more. The root cause that connects these painful reasons for divorce appears to be a loss of connection between the married couple.
If you are looking for divorce, these reasons may ring true for you, and if you are looking to prevent slipping into divorce, these reasons can give you a starting point for rebuilding your connection.
Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He's been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.