8 Harsh Things About Getting Divorced (That Few Will Tell You)
The dead bedroom wasn’t his fault, and he’s absolutely devastated.
Bricolage / Shutterstock There is a certain level of shock and taboo that comes with having a dead bedroom relationship when you, yourself, are a porn worker. People just assume it doesn’t happen, but it does. And lately, my friend Sam has been struggling with it.
His marriage wasn’t a good one for a long time. Prior to his time in the adult film scene, he was a very religious man who was all about being a good Christian. He married, and well…he just couldn’t take living a lie anymore.
He wanted to explore his genderqueer world, he wanted to check out his LGBTQIA side, and more importantly, he wanted to have a partner who wanted to explore it with him. Meanwhile, his wife only began to lean into her Christian traditional wife values more.
Arguments got bitter. Sam felt alone. His wife felt betrayed. Eventually, the word divorce went on the table, and honestly, it’s pretty imminent.
Sam is beside himself. As both a friend and someone who has seen the difficulties that come with divorce, there are a couple of things I want Sam to know.
Here are 8 harsh things about getting divorced (that few will tell you):
1. Divorce is not always someone’s fault
I don’t know why, but a lot of people like to think that there is one bad guy in every divorce. This is not always true, but a lot of people tend to think that it’s a universal truth.
You’re going to have to field people asking, "What did you do?"
Some divorces do have a bad guy. I’m not going to sit there and say that the guy who didn’t help around the house, used weaponized incompetence, cheated and beat his wife wasn’t at fault — and there are a LOT of divorces like that.
However, in the case of Sam, there wasn’t a bad guy. Sam and his wife are both great people in their own right. However, they just don’t work well together. That’s okay.
It’s important to realize that people trying to place blame are just being ignorant.
2. There is a chance that you’ll see a side of your ex that you never thought possible
I had a friend of mine who works in law. He said, "Most of my colleague’s violent crime clients are awful people who are on their best behavior. My clients? They’re normal, decent people who are on their worst behavior."
In other words, breakups make peoples’ claws come out. Often unexpectedly, in pretty violent and brutal ways. You may not be able to recognize your ex when you plunk those papers down on the table.
What am I saying? Well, it’s a lot of things:
- Guard yourself, your belongings, and your rights. If you need to, get video evidence of what your ex is doing. Store it with a lawyer. Don’t act in a way that would give your ex ammunition.
- You need a lawyer, even if you don’t think you do. It’s shocking how fast "amicable" divorces can become acrimonious. Let your lawyer guide you when it comes to you leaving the house.
- If you have an apartment with your ex, leave the apartment and start renting a studio ASAP. This reduces the chances of an accusation of DV. On a similar note, remove your name from any joint cards you have with your partner — if your lawyer agrees to it.
- If you have kids, look up parental alienation. This is especially true if you are a dad. Your ex does not have the right to sever your tie to your kid, and you can often sue for this.
- Do not be shocked if your ex is uncharacteristically cold or cruel. This happens with many types of divorces, including Walkaway Wives, divorces from infidelity, and narcissist divorces.
- Expect some badmouthing. A lot of exes will be sweet as pie to your face, but badmouth you to others. You may be blindsided by the loss of friends. This is normal. Your real friends will stick by you.
3. When you first live alone again, you may notice how still and quiet your home is
Trust me when I say that it takes getting used to, especially if you are not used to living alone.
If it helps, get a pet and learn to love Alexa playlists. (May I suggest Alexa’s Bossa Nova Music from Amazon Music?)
4. Take your divorce time as a way to get reacquainted with yourself
We all tend to lose ourselves in relationships, or at the very least, curb some behaviors as a result of being married to someone. Now that you’re divorcing, you can get in touch with all the things that you stopped doing.
What does this mean? Well…
- Hit up that one obnoxious video game she hated. You know the one. The one with chicks in bikinis.
- If you haven’t been getting laid, masturbate and have sex with other people. This is, of course, assuming that sex with others won’t harm your divorce case. But yeah, get laid. Stick your d*** (or slam that clam) in things. Trust me, getting booty after a dry spell is incredibly awesome.
- Eat that food your ex hates. He can’t whine about it smelling like roadkill now. Indulge thyself!
- Remind yourself that your value does not change based on your marital status. Seriously. Take time to repeat this.
- Go back to hobbies you stopped doing as a result of too little time. Bocce ball, anyone?
If you feel (or know) that you contributed to the divorce, it may be time to do some self-reflection.
Should you get into another relationship, this time for self-improvement may help you avoid this outcome the next time around. This, too, is part of getting acquainted with yourself.
5. It would be wise to take some time to trim out other things that aren’t working well for you
Spring cleaning is not just a home thing. Take this time to improve your life in other areas, too.
Things like boosting your diet focus, working out, or even just tossing out stuff that you once cared about can all help you start fresh — and that’s really what a divorce should be: a fresh start.
Divorce also tends to be a moment where you tend to look at all the other connections you have that have been bad to you. If your in-laws were toxic, you can now breathe a sigh of relief that you never have to see them again.
Also, keep an eye on who’s supporting you during this time. Friends who don’t care, distance themselves, cut you down, or don’t offer assistance are not worth keeping.
On a similar note, divvying up friends is normal, even if it sucks.
6. In a lot of circles, people tend to stigmatize divorce to the point that it might make you an outcast
It will hurt and it will make you feel vulnerable. What’s weird is that the same people who are distancing themselves from you now will probably turn around and be friendly with you years later, when you have a new spouse.
I really wish I could say this is not the case. A lot of people assume that divorce is contagious, or that your breakup will influence their relationships for one reason or another. They’re insecure prats. What more can I say?
Do not allow the insecurities of others to define you, and yes, I realize that’s easier said than done. You have to remember that their foul actions showed you their character. It’s not worth your time.
Losing your friends can feel like salt in the wound, but it’s important to realize that’s part of divorce. You’re grieving not just the loss of a partner, but of a lifestyle you two led.
7. No one can tell you how to grieve or to "get over it"
If your divorce is like most out there, it will feel like the worst breakup that you’ve ever had in your life.
You might cry tears you didn’t even know you had. Sometimes, you’ll feel bipolar — manic one day, weeping the next.
People will get tired of hearing the updates on the divorce, and they may even tell you to "get over it." While it’s best to vent to a therapist and not your friends, recognize that they have no idea what you’re going through.
It’s absolutely fine to take time to grieve your marriage.
Most of the time, though, you’re grieving what you wished could have been rather than what really was. The longer you’re away from your ex, the more you realize that the thing you’re crying over didn’t exist.
Also, I’ll throw this out there: you might not be the same person you were post-divorce. That’s okay too. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and after it’s all over, you’re going to think differently about life.
8. Divorce doesn’t mean you failed, it means you put yourself first
Marriage is not supposed to be martyrdom.
When they say "till death do us part," they don’t mean that you should stay even if your partner might kill your will to live. It’s an act of kindness to both yourself and your partner to leave.
Some people (mostly zealots) will look down on you for being divorced. Don’t buy into their crap.
Divorce means that you realize you have to walk away from someone who just isn’t working with you — and that’s an act of self-love.
Somewhere out there, there’s probably a partner or lifestyle that your ex wants more. As for you? I can assure you that you’ll look back at your divorce and realize that it was the right call.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.