My Ex-Husband Is Getting Married On My Birthday — And My Kids Are Expected To Attend
Am I wrong to be annoyed at him for choosing this date?
Okrasiuk/ Shutterstock Okay, first can anyone say pathological? Or maybe how many other weekends in the year are there? Or you can’t make this s*** up.
Or follow that with two middle-aged people who are on their second and third weddings. I mean really?
Or at the very least, in poor taste with a hint of embarrassment.
I already wrote about how my children found out about their father’s engagement. It too was laced with drama.
So now let me ask you a question.
How do you think children would react to hearing their father is getting married on their mother’s birthday?
Do you think it would make kids feel good? Or do you think it would make them feel bad?
Do you think they might think it was unkind?
Or put them in a position of conflict?
My boys are loving and caring.
When you raise deeply empathetic people they have a tendency to gravitate towards goodness. They had multiple reactions.
It’s mom’s birthday so we should be with her on that day.
That doesn’t seem very nice to plan their wedding on your birthday.
Why that weekend? How could our father not know it was Mom’s birthday?
Not to mention, it didn’t bother me because it was pathological. And conversely, it bothered my children because it seemed pathological.
It was a long-drawn-out divorce filled with severe financial and emotional abuse. I fought hard for my freedom and they know this.
Likewise, my husband had a massive history of ruining every birthday. I usually ended up in tears.
I’m relieved he’s marrying someone else. Although I am baffled they would want their anniversary to be on my birthday.
But I get upset when my children are upset.
Because it puts my kids in a position of conflict.
Their father has developed expertise in this area. Especially since my children are fairly certain their father also knew their cousin was getting married that day.
Even if he didn’t, why wouldn’t he check with our children before he made a huge commitment he expects our children to attend?
Instead, the conversation went something like this:
"Our cousin's wedding has been planned for that day." The response? "That’s too bad you’ll have to miss his wedding."
Next conversation:
"It’s mom’s birthday." The response? "Yes, I know. I told my fiance and she didn’t care."
Well good for her, glad she’s not inconvenienced by it.
Did she ever think maybe the boys are going to have a hard time watching their father get remarried at all?
Let alone, have to stand there and think about their mother the whole time? Since it’s her birthday.
Or wonder why two people would do something they feel isn’t necessarily kind and is thoughtless.
Here’s how it’s going to play out with the soon-to-be newlywed's excuse responses.
Not unlike how they’ve developed 'new' excuses for their engagement drama.
They are probably going to say there were no other weekends available.
That there were no other venues available. That they wanted a fall wedding and this was the only weekend left. That they made a last-minute decision and had no other choices.
Or who would care if it was his ex-wife’s birthday? They’re not married anymore.
They got engaged four months ago. I happen to know they told a few people back then to save the date for the month of October.
Did I think they would really pick my birthday? Knowing my ex-husband. Yes.
But I’m sad for my kids.
This reinforces who their father is and who they don’t want him to be.
And I’m sad for my nephew and my boys. Because they’ve been raised like siblings and his wedding has been planned for nearly a year.
I don’t care about my birthday. Being away from my ex-husband on my birthday is a gift enough. I no longer cry.
But I do care about my nephew.
And in signature form, my ex-husband has taken a special day away from someone else and made it about himself.
He is still impacting not only our children but me and my extended family.
I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he didn’t know or forgot it was my nephew’s wedding day. Because I can’t say with certainty he did even though my guys think they remember telling him. But even so, one thing remains constant.
Even if I don’t care he’s getting married on my birthday…
Because honestly, I find it validating and comical.
He’s still taking a special day away from someone and making it about himself.
And unfortunately, because we lived that pattern for so many years, my boys recognize this.
Because he didn’t just hurt me on my birthdays. Seeing me upset hurt our children.
Worse, after getting engaged the way he did, they’ve still made no attempts for his fiance to spend time with our children. That’s two years together and not even dinner.
But they are expected to attend the wedding.
And in the eight years since I began the divorce and ended it, they have only spent one or two holidays with their father. And only spend time with him once every other month or so. Except for my son who works with him.
But they are expected to attend the wedding.
And my sweet nephew?
He is also incredibly loving and will hide any disappointment he may ultimately have. Because he adores his cousins and because that beautiful young man would never put his cousins in a position of conflict. He would respect their decision and defer because it’s their father.
I mean how many other weekends in the year??!!
You can’t make this stuff up.
Colleen Sheehy Orme is a national relationship columnist, journalist, and former business columnist. She writes bout love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, and narcissism.