‘Happy & Brokenhearted' Mom Says Being The Mother Of The Groom Makes Her Feel Like An ‘Afterthought’
One mom said what millions have thought over the years when she shared just how out of the loop she felt when it came to her son's own wedding.
volkway | Shutterstock It’s easy for parents to struggle when their kids get married. After all, this is the beginning of a whole new era in their lives. It's one thing to go through the empty nest, but quite another for parents to come to the realization that their child is now an adult with a family of their own.
One group of parents that seems to struggle especially hard with this is the moms of adult men about to walk down the aisle. They often report feeling left out of the celebration and unappreciated by their new daughters-in-law. One mom put these feelings into words on TikTok.
A mother of the groom shared how difficult the situation she was in was for her.
The mom, whose name is Lisa Yost, posted a video on the platform with her feelings about being relegated to the lonely role of mother of the groom. “No one talks about what it’s like to be the mother of the groom,” she argued.
“Feeling left out of wedding plans, feeling like an afterthought, all while feeling BIG emotions as your son moves on with the new love of his life, who will now be his new home,” she continued. “Happy and brokenhearted all at the same time.”
Bittersweet feelings on your child's wedding day are normal as long as they are not hiding unhealthy enmeshment.
While this could have just been due to semantics, there is one glaring issue with what Yost said. She said her son would be moving on “with the new love of his life.” This implies that, prior to meeting his fiancée, she was the love of his life.
This could signal that there’s some enmeshment involved in this mother-son relationship. Sharon Martin, LCSW, said that enmeshment could mean that boundaries are lacking, or “your parents’ lives center around yours.”
While it’s fine for a family to be close, there is such a thing as too close. This happens when a child doesn’t individuate from their parents. According to Martin, “In order to become a mature and emotionally healthy adult, you have to individuate and become independent from your parents. Individuation is the process of separating yourself both physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. Individuation is the process of becoming an individual, not just an extension of your parents.”
It’s possible that Yost didn’t mean what she said, and there is no problem with enmeshment in her family. It does seem strange that she would suggest her son’s fiancée is just the new love of his life, though, as if she were already there all along.
Mothers of the groom actually have responsibilities that they take on for the wedding, so they aren’t completely left out.
Mandy Connor, from Hummingbird Events and Design, told The Knot, “The mother of the groom’s role has evolved with modern weddings. It’s more common to see the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom team up to provide support for the wedding couple in a variety of ways. This is a wonderful opportunity to see your presence not as a ‘silent bystander,' but as an enthusiastic partner to the couple as they plan.”
George Chambers | Pexels
According to The Knot’s Kim Forrest, mothers of the groom have various responsibilities. They are the ones who plan the couple’s engagement party. They can also assist in finding vendors for the wedding and help financially if they feel so inclined. It’s also nice for them to act as the liaison for the groom’s family and keep them coordinated. They are also in charge of the rehearsal dinner and may even give a wedding speech.
Mothers of the groom are not silent members of the wedding party anymore.
While mothers of the groom have traditionally been responsible for less than the mother of the bride, a lot is done to make them feel like they are part of the big day and a special part of the moment in which their son steps into his future.
If you truly get involved in planning the wedding in this way, there’s no reason to feel left out. Just remember to read the couple's cues. Step in when they want your help and step back when they don't.
There are certainly actionable ways Yost could get more involved in her son’s wedding, but it sounds more like she needs to come to terms with the fact that her role in her son's life is changing. That's never easy, but it's also a great opportunity for her to rediscover her life outside of being a mom. Change is always hard, but without change, amazing opportunities lie dormant.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
