3 Habits That Signal A Man Is Not Marriage Material, According To Relationship Coach Of 25 Years
Don't say "I Do" until you're sure none of these apply to your partner.
Riska | Canva You might think you've found the man you want to marry, but now it's just a matter of making it happen. Whether you have a specific man in mind, or if Mr. Right hasn't shown up, I would like you to consider the "3 A's" before marriage.
I learned the 3 A's from a therapist friend many years ago. I told her I didn't want to marry just any man; I wanted to find a quality man. She gave the 3 A's to me as a warning of what to avoid in a husband. I thought I understood them and believed I'd taken them to heart.
But even though I knew what they were, I got involved with men who embodied one of the three. Surprise, surprise, every one of those relationships was painful – and not a single one lasted.
You can still be fooled no matter how secure you are in what you want. Despite your best intentions, you can justify these 3 A's and accept less than you deserve.
Here are 3 habits that signal a man is not marriage material:
1. Addiction
Particularly to mind-altering substances.
2. Abuse
Physical, emotional, and so on.
3. Adultery
A man who cheats in a committed relationship.
It may seem obvious that men with these problems are not good husband material. However, if you're honest, I bet you became involved with a man who embodied at least one of these in your dating life.
When you first fall in love, these traits are complex to identify, but they are impossible to overlook in time. Unfortunately, it's too late by then, and you've fallen in love. Now, the only thing you can do is try to make the relationship work.
My experiences are typical. For example, what I wrote off as a one-time drunken blackout happened again and again. The excuse that he was letting off steam no longer mattered. It got to the point where I couldn't trust him to show up. Worse than that, I couldn't trust him not to drive drunk. I couldn't take it anymore. It was a mess of a breakup, full of sadness and drama.
Unfortunately, it can be hard to recover from relationships with addict partners — especially if you're a woman. A study published in the National Library of Medicine discovered that codependency was greater in women in relationships with addicted men.
I was also involved with a man who I thought was kind and thoughtful. But, as soon as he knew I was smitten, he introduced "kinky" things into the relationship and played emotional games. I became very uncomfortable. I went along for a while because I thought he loved me, but I soon woke up and realized that you don't humiliate and demean someone you love.
In one long-term relationship, we experimented with "free love." We permitted each other to "see" other people, as long as we told each other what was happening. It fell apart when I came home, surprised to find my best friend's rings on the nightstand. I felt betrayed because he hadn't told me — and she was my best friend. It sure felt like adultery to me.
These feelings of disappointment and betrayal aren't uncommon in open relationships — research published in the National Library of Medicine indicates people in open or "free" relationships tend to have lower overall happiness than monogamous participants.
The truth is simple: you can't have a healthy relationship when any of the 3 A's is present. I've experienced the pain and heartbreak of trying to justify each one of these problems, and it never worked. It always failed miserably.
If you see any of these three shortcomings showing up in a man you're interested in, please take note and beware. There's no getting around it; you must find a quality man to get a quality marriage.
Virginia Clark is a relationship coach with decades of experience. She's the author of It's Never Too Late To Marry: How to Have the Man and the Marriage of Your Dreams.