You Won't Heal A Broken Heart After Divorce Unless You Do These 6 Things
Sometimes marriage ends up hurting two people.
mapodile | Canva Going through a divorce can be similar to experiencing the death of a loved one. Sometimes it is quick and sudden or slow and gradual. In any case, the person you dreamed about growing old with is no longer a part of your everyday life. Healing and transformation don’t happen overnight but is a process unique to each individual. For example, a divorce after a twenty-year marriage may take longer to heal than one that lasted only three years. It may entail more complications such as dividing shared assets and co-parenting. Further, over time, more resentment may have built up.
You won't heal a broken heart after divorce unless you do these 6 things:
1. Allow yourself time to grieve
Buy a beautiful notebook or journal and take time every day, at least ten minutes, to write about your feelings. Write about your thoughts, experiences, and emotions. Alternate journaling with meditating. Sit quietly, slow your thoughts down, and focus on your breathing. Notice where grief, anger, fear, etc., live in your body? What would these feelings say if they could speak? Talk to a friend or therapist about your feelings. Don’t keep them bottled up inside.
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2. Have compassion for yourself
Going through any type of loss, especially a divorce is going to be hard on you mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. Now is the time to have great compassion for yourself and to do things that honor and nurture you. For example, take luxurious baths, walk in nature, get massages, and take naps if you are tired. Pamper yourself.
3. Take responsibility for your part
What part did you play in the divorce? It always takes two, so even though you may be hurt and your heart is broken, examine what you might have done differently. What lessons have you learned? When we take responsibility for our part, we own our power and are better able to make positive changes, so we don’t make the same mistakes in the future.
4. Forgive the other person
We are all doing the best that we can with what knowledge and life experiences we have. If you are angry, try writing a letter to your ex expressing all of your feelings and raw emotions. Then, burn the letter. Write a letter back from him or her. What is their pain? What are they afraid of? Now, write another letter back to them from your heart, sharing what you wished had happened differently. Continue until your anger has subsided and you can imagine forgiving this person. Get help from a therapist if you feel stuck.
5. Envision a new life without your spouse
What are the possibilities for your life now as a single person? What are some of the dreams that you put on the back burner? Get back in touch with yourself and your own deepest dreams and desires. What is on your bucket list? Take a trip. Do something new. Get out of your comfort zone. Sit down and visualize the possibilities. See yourself happy.
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6. Create meaning from your loss
As you go through the grieving process and your broken heart heals, you will be able to look back and have a new perspective on the hardship you went through. You can ask yourself…What purpose has it served? How have I grown from this experience? Who am I now? When we experience a broken heart, we can choose to keep it open and allow for new growth and possibilities, or we can close it to protect ourselves and choose not to trust or love again. When we close our hearts, we also keep ourselves from experiencing joy. What will you choose?
Karen Mehringer has over 20 years of counseling experience. She provides a safe, compassionate container for her clients to transform their painful life experiences so they can move forward with more joy, vitality, and purpose.