3 Ways To Get Out Of The Doghouse

"In the doghouse? Try some flowers! $7.99 for a dozen carnations."

We recently saw this message on the marquee for a florist in our city and we had to wonder ... really? If you've done something to anger, upset or piss off your partner, will a bunch of carnations really make it all better?!

Probably not.

In fact, you could purchase for your partner the most expensive bouquet of exotic flowers you can find and still not erase whatever you've done or the pain he or she feels.

To be "in the doghouse" in a relationship means you have made a mistake that's led to conflict and disconnection. Because of what you did (or what your partner thinks you did), he or she wants nothing to do with you for the time being.

Because of this, you're not sleeping on the couch, but out in the backyard in the dog's house!

Stereotypically and historically, this phrase referred to a man who did something so wrong his girlfriend or wife was irate. Today, both women and men in heterosexual and LGBTQ relationships can find themselves "in the doghouse."

More relationship advice from YourTango:

You may have gotten into the doghouse by ...

forgetting an anniversary or another important date
breaking a promise (again)
being consistently late for dates
getting caught flirting, texting with your ex or watching porn
saying something hurtful, demeaning, rude or unkind

The severity varies and what seems like "no big deal" to you could be a very big deal to your partner. This is why you see (and hear) a strong reaction that lets you know, without a doubt, that your partner is mad.

When people find themselves in the doghouse in their relationship, they react in different ways like trying to minimize the situation and their partner's emotions, ignoring their partner's anger, apologizing immediately and profusely and/or purchasing gifts to try to make amends.

Think about the promise of the message on the flower shop's marquee!

Flowers, empty words and attempts to dismiss or avoid your partner's ire are not effective. Many of these efforts can backfire and lead to even more disconnection and conflict.

Instead, get out of the doghouse by doing these three things ...

1. Be honest with yourself about what happened and why. If you want to regain the harmony in your relationship, you absolutely have to own up to what you said or did. First, be honest with yourself. Are you clear about what happened that might have upset or hurt your partner? If you're not, then ask him or her to "please help me understand." The answer may surprise you.

Explore your motives for what you said or did. Were you acting from long-held resentment or anger of your own? Were you truly "not thinking" or was something else behind what happened?

Before you can make amends in a genuine way, you've got to have a good understanding of what happened and why it did from your own perspective.

2. Take responsibility for what you said or did. Say "I'm sorry" only when you really feel it. If you don't believe that you've done something wrong or if you feel completely justified in your actions, that's going to drown out any apology you attempt to make.

This is why it's so important for you to understand what you did and why.

When you can apologize in a sincere way, do so and be sure to take responsibility for your part in whatever happened. Even if your partner sees this as all your fault, don't take more than your share. Own your role and give your partner a chance to own his or her role.

What happens if your partner still thinks this is all your fault?

This can be tricky. It's best if you focus on taking ownership for what you did and allow your partner to realize, on his or her own, that it wasn't all you after all.

3 Ways To Get Out Of The Doghouse

A bouquet of flowers won't get you out of trouble! Remember these tips when you're in the doghouse.

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