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How to keep your marriage as fiery hot as it was in the beginning.
By Susie & Otto Collins
Last updated on Apr 17, 2024
Congratulations on 10 years together! As you’ve probably already noticed, as time passes, things change in a marriage or love relationship. You change and your partner changes too. This isn’t always a bad thing! You’ve both probably grown up a bit and learned some valuable lessons along the way. You and your partner are wiser than you were 10+ years ago and you’ve been applying at least some of what you’ve learned to make your life together smoother and easier. Things may have also mellowed in your relationship. The spark that was once there is dimmer than before. You don’t feel the same thrill to see your partner at the end of the day and you sometimes long for the excitement that’s less frequent or maybe even disappeared. What can be done to revive passion and connection?
Here are 10 intimacy tips every woman should know after 10 years of marriage:
1. Prioritize physical intimacy
If you want to have great intimacy after 10, 20, or even 50 years of marriage, you’ve got to make it important. Maybe you’ve got kids, jobs, pets, parents, and more to think and care about, but you’ve also got this precious relationship. Set aside regular time to connect with your partner in ways that feed and fuel passion.
2. Find yourself desirable
Your partner won’t find you attractive and alluring if you don’t feel that way too. Find things about you — as you are now — that you see as beautiful and desirable. Feel it and stop putting yourself down! This is good for self-esteem and gives you an irresistible glow.
3. Stop killing the mood
When you hear yourself nagging, griping, or complaining to your partner — even if it’s about someone else — stop. These habits will kill the mood and push your partner away from you. Address what’s bothering you with the person directly involved so you can be free to live and love the way you want to.
4. Please yourself
Make sure you are meeting your own needs — outside and inside the bedroom. If you frequently put yourself last, you’re probably not enjoying being with your partner. Please yourself with a visit to the spa, a bubble bath with a good book, and in more sensual ways too. The more refreshed and nurtured you are, the more open you’ll be to satisfying intimacy with your partner.
5. Ask for what you want
Resentments can build up over the years and can prevent the kind of connection that you might want with your spouse. Identify what would help resolve your grudges and then communicate that to your partner. Ask him or her to make amends for a past betrayal or to pitch in with house chores. Be specific and clear about what you want.
6. Explore your “no”
If you’re like most women and men, you lead a busy (and tiring) life! You may say “no” to being with your spouse more often than either of you prefers. You may be so used to saying “no,” that you don’t think about it. When your partner invites you to be intimate and your impulse is to decline, take a moment to discover why this is. If you’re angry or annoyed, deal with the issue. If you’re tapped out, do something relaxing and rejuvenating, and then see if you’re open to it.
7. Explore your “yes”
Being intimate only because you believe you “have to” is unsatisfying for both of you. If your attitude about physical intimacy with your partner tends to be negative or stressful, get curious about why. It’s unhealthy to be intimate when you don’t honestly want to — even if it’s with your spouse. Figure out what your blocks to intimacy are so that when you do say “Yes” to intimacy, you’ll fully enjoy it!
8: Never stop flirting
Flirting isn’t just for pick-ups and new couples, it’s for anyone who wants to keep the spark alive. Flirting works best when it’s natural but if you haven’t been very playful or provocative with your partner in a while, nudge yourself a bit. Be sweet, appreciative, or raunchy throughout the day with your partner, and then see what happens when you two are alone together!
9. Talk about what you like
Communicating about intimacy can be uncomfortable — even if you and your partner have been together for a decade or more. Don’t assume that your partner knows what you like and what you don’t like. You can have a conversation about this when you’re not in the middle of it or you can make requests like, “Touch me there..” or “I like that...” to enhance it in the moment.
10. Lighten up
Don’t take this all so seriously. If you’re not feeling close or if being intimate has become dull or routine, then you might be worried. It’s important to notice what’s not working for you and to make changes, but when you can be light-hearted and playful, do. This especially applies to being intimate. Have fun and use your imagination when you’re cozying up with your partner. See where it leads.
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Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life.