7 Signs You've Created A Unique 'Love Language' Together That Can Last A Lifetime
Signs you've finally achieved high-level partner status.
Paulo Oliveira | Pexels Relationships can be tough. Building a love language to understand what your mate is saying significantly increases emotional intimacy and closeness. And, equally important, is building a love language to help be a better listener, significantly lessen the disagreements couples have, and improve your communication skills.
We don’t always mean what we say in our conversation. We open our mouths, and some sentences come out. But we don’t always thoroughly think through what we are saying. Arguments often begin because we misunderstand the context or meaning of what the other person is trying to say. Then the downward cycling is on its way!
By building a love language, you are increasing the chances of having fewer arguments, and you start listening — deeply listening.
Here are 7 signs you've created a 'love language' together that will last a lifetime:
1. You can avoid negative misunderstandings
How often do we misunderstand what the person meant with a positive slant? We don’t. For example, John says, "I’m tired of us fighting all the time." You immediately assume he wants to end the relationship.
But, he likely means he doesn’t want to feel disconnected from you. He doesn’t say that because he would likely feel too vulnerable and exposed. What if your response showed him you didn’t care about being disconnected? That would suck for him.
So, by building a better understanding of what he often means, you will be avoiding the significant chance of misunderstanding what he is trying to say. It may be that he does not know how to express what he truly wants to say.
2. You understand context to lessen disconnection
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A disconnection (when someone feels upset) can be an occasional "blip" on a screen or a feeling that you are constantly hitting an emotional pothole. We are not always going to be in sync with what each other is saying.
So, by increasing your general understanding of the other person and how they communicate, you are less likely to have the conversation go downhill. Or if it does, it will be much easier to reconnect, because you would be building a better "context" of one another once the person thinks about how they know the other person to really be and what their heart is really about.
3. You can determine what they mean
Communication will feel easier as you build this new context with one another. You won’t hesitate or shy away from asking those tough questions, like, "Why were you so upset with me?"
This is because each of you will be creating an understanding of how you feel towards the other person from your heart. So, when you two might be at “odds” over a particular subject, you will feel more emotionally safe in saying what you want to say because of the understanding, or “context” that you are building.
4. You avoid arguments easily
Due to the new "context", you'll both be building, and you will "choose" to avoid the "potholes" rather than to argue. You will choose to understand the other person, rather than to stubbornly walk forward into a pothole you both will later regret.
As you build a better “context” of each other, you will see the positive benefits that occur when you understand one another more accurately. You will each know and understand all of the good things you both want in the relationship, and how disappointed you feel after an argument.
5. You give each other space
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Often during a fight, one partner wants to resolve the issue to feel better and to avoid worrying about the relationship.
The other person, however, often wants to get away from their mate to stop the argument because it is so uncomfortable. Or, sometimes it is because one person is afraid that what they might say will hurt the other person, and they don’t want to do that.
At these times, when the "context" of the other person and the relationship status is more accurately understood, it becomes easier to give someone some time to cool off. It can feel less threatening to do so because communication is often more positive and productive in general.
So, no one ends up feeling that the relationship is threatened by taking a time out to cool off, or to think about what they want the other person to understand.
6. Your trust increases
Once you have built the context of one another, only one party at a time needs to practice the behaviors listed above, even when the other person currently cannot do this. By not responding in an equally negative and hurtful manner, you will be building trust in the other person’s eyes.
Eventually, the other person will see, through his new context of you, that you are not out "to get him", control, or criticize him.
Also, he will eventually begin to see that you no longer negatively respond to him. Rather, you are productively responding to him. You will be helping him to understand what you are trying to say and that you are not out to make him feel bad about himself.
It will also show that you are not trying to judge him negatively. This behavior is healthy in a relationship and builds trust over time. Of course, you need both parties to take their turn in this trust-building.
7. You build emotional closeness and intimacy
So, reap the benefits! You’ve earned it! Now that he has learned how to understand you more accurately, and you understand him, you both can begin to come forward more easily and more often. As he feels emotionally safer with you, he can come closer.
Men often have more difficulty with this context-building. If he doesn’t know how to do this, show him by modeling the things we’ve talked about so far: not judging, controlling, or criticizing him. Focus instead on how you are feeling.
For example, instead of saying in anger, "You always do this!", you can say, "I don’t want us to be disconnected. I want us to feel closer to each other. What can I do to help you feel the same way?"
Someone has to be brave and take the risk in coming forward in a non-conflictual way. It might as well be you. Be the stronger person (but do not throw this in his face). Instead, model healthy communication for him. Let him see that you want to feel closer to him emotionally and that you value the relationship.
Relationships are tough, vulnerable, confusing, and amazing. This is especially true when it is with someone who wants to invest in the relationship and is willing to put the work in and to “show up”.
Remember, it takes time to learn a new skill for the first time, then to practice it, before it can become more natural for you. Give it time.
Also, remember you are going to feel vulnerable, especially at first, when you are trying to build a new understanding or context between the two of you. Emotionally healthy and strong relationships are well worth all of the work!
Susan Saint-Welch, LMFT, is a marriage and family psychotherapist who has been practicing in-person and online in the South Bay of the Los Angeles area for over 20 years. Susan is passionate about helping couples and families learn healthy communication skills.
