Photo: Van Dodig On Unsplash
Slow down and enjoy the what happens before the ride.
By Sean Jameson — Written on Mar 07, 2016
While I am more well known for teaching people about having wild sex, today I want to show you how to have sensual sex with your man.
The first thing to understand is that it's vital for a man to feel that he is needed, loved, and appreciated — yes, men need this too! One fail safe way to guarantee a man feels he is appreciated is to ensure that he is happy and satisfied in the bedroom.
Generally speaking, for a man to feel that he is loved, it is important to communicate your intention through touch. This would mean that you, the woman, would need to be lovingly tactile for if sex is to be truly sensual, it also means that you must take your time. It's a common misconception that men don't appreciate all the trappings of sensual sex as opposed to a quick, hot blow job.
There are several ways in which a woman can show her love and appreciation for her man in and out of the bedroom.
Here's how to have sensual sex:
1. Know your man
It is important to know your man, to understand his likes and dislikes. This could be described as the "Platinum Rule" as opposed to the "Golden Rule." The Golden Rule famously implies that one should treat others as one would like to be treated.
The "Platinum Rule" is slightly different and it goes as follows: You should treat your man, not so much how you would like to be treated, but how he would like to be treated.
Taking time to know your man's likes and dislikes conveys a sense of caring, of understanding and of love. So he may like certain sex positions or he may enjoy hearing you talk dirty.
In doing so, you might find your initial impulse to dress up in lingerie is not exactly in keeping with his preference for the natural, jeans and T-shirt look that made him fall in love with you in the first place. Or vice-versa.
As you discover how to have sensual sex, you will realize that setting the scene requires you to create an environment in which your man feels appreciated and cared for.
In today's world of increased gender equality, it is a delicate subject to be broached, but one way to show you care is by providing back up so that he can come home from work feeling that he can relax in comfortable surroundings.
2. Encourage him
Now, of course, there are many instances in which the man is not the bread-winner, and you, as a woman, feel stretched and stressed beyond the breaking point with no time to provide the kind of care that was once expected in a traditional household.
Be careful not to berate when feeling frustrated. Make sure he understands that no matter the present circumstances, you still have faith and trust in him.
Encouragement is the carrot and the oft used stick of condemnation will not result in changed behavior. And how might a man feel encouraged to excel, to change, to please you in return? One sure way is through showing him how having sensual sex can be intensely pleasurable.
3. Try the element of surprise
Again, taking the time to know his likes and dislikes is the key. This by no means precludes you from preparing the scene in ways you think would be wonderful for you both. Sometimes taking a chance will pay off.
Maybe he never expressed an opinion on lingerie one way or the other. Perhaps you have always been the kind of girl who is comfortable in little to no makeup, comfortable in your jeans and T-shirt. Imagine the potential surprise for him to see in you in a way that he never would have expected.
The unexpected in the set up to an evening of sensual sex can make an older relationship seem new again. Over time it can happen that a guy loses the desire to be with his woman sexually, certainly it is easy for the initial flame of desire to be diminished a bit over time.
By reinventing yourself and trying new things, you can once again re-kindle that flame.
One way to make all things new is to take the time and energy to reinvent yourself and to make your sex life as thrilling an experience as it was at the start of your relationship.
4. Set the sensual sex scene
If your bedroom is not a place of refuge, if the bed is unmade and the furniture is unkempt and dusty, if clothing is strewn about from a busy and chaotic week, the first step is for you to secretly tidy up. Then consider:
- Lighting: The next step in learning how to have sensual sex is experimenting with how you decorate the room differently. Perhaps strategically (and safely) placing candles throughout would do the trick. If you can turn off the overhead ceiling light and just have a small, bedside lamp in conjunction with the candlelight, this can create a markedly different and romantic ambiance.
- Music: Another nice touch is to incorporate some peaceful, softly playing background music. Perhaps there was a song that had meaning to you both early in your romance. Whatever the case, something playing sweetly in the background can have a salutary effect.
5. Take control
Once you have set the scene and included an element of pleasant surprise, it's time to utilize some technique. If in the past you and your man's sex sessions had been limited to a quick, rough romp you might now try a more gentle but commanding approach.
You taking control in the bedroom can be very sexy for a man but sometimes a little nerve-wracking if it's your first time. The way to light his fire right off the bat is through touch.
After visual stimulation, this is to what a man most readily responds. Take gentle command as you lead him down the path to sexual excitement. Kind words of appreciation and, dare I say, flattery are helpful too. Even a little subtle dirty talk can help here.
Again, if you are to attempt adding sensual sex to what has been a normal routine, it is important to get your man’s attention by focusing on his erogenous zones.
6. Build up sexual tension
At this stage, you'll have his attention and now there is no turning back. Here are some simple things you can do to make your sensual lovemaking sessions all the more spectacular.
Sensual sex by its very definition implies focusing loving attention on each other (but in some cases, just your man if he is the selfish type). It means taking the time to slowly communicate your feelings for him with direct and loving eye contact, coupled with stroking and gentle touching.
You might go in for a kiss then pull back, further building more sexual tension. Cupping his face in your hands you might whisper what you next plan to do. In an alluring tone, you might say "let's get you undressed" as you slowly undress him, stopping occasionally for yet another open-mouth kiss all while seductively pressing your body against his.
Having sensual sex means that you not give in to the potential desire to cut to the chase, as it were. Keep a measured pace as you continue to slowly and sensually remove one piece of his clothing after another. You might now invite him to remove one piece of your clothing.
7. The main event
Well, you beautifully set the scene, you dressed up (or down) alluringly, and you have begun the process of igniting you mate's desire beyond the point of no return. Now what? When it comes down to it, for the man, the main goal is always to reach climax and have release. All the foreplay you have devised, for the man, is not the end in itself. As a woman, often times the journey is the destination.
For your man, however, his mind is pretty much focused on that destination; it is your task to make the proverbial journey one that enhances his arrival to the final destination, la petite mort as the French refer to it — well that is if you are only having sensual sex for his benefit. If you both want maximum enjoyment, then he should hopefully be thinking about your needs too.
As you learn more on how to have great sensual sex, you'll notice that holding off until the very last moment is the key.
But remember to pull back and start over to make both his and your experience all the more explosive.
If you do everything right, this should hopefully set the precedent for more good sensual sex to come!
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Sean Jameson is a sex expert and founder of the Bad Girl's Bible website, where you can learn advanced techniques to improve your sex life.