5 Critical Ways To Fix A Lack Of Intimacy In You Marriage Before It's Too Late

How to find the reason for your wife's lack of interest in being intimate.

By Shlomo Slatkin
Last updated on Mar 26, 2024

Photo: camacho9999 | Canva

If you’re a man whose wife isn’t interested in intimacy, or she flat-out refuses intimacy, you are NOT alone. The good news is that even if your wife refuses intimacy, there are some things you can do to help her become interested again. Below are some suggestions for you if you’re the husband of a wife who is uninterested in marital intimacy and what you can do about it.

We’ve reprinted this with permission from Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C, the intimacy therapist with whom we work together within our marriage counseling practice. Here’s what she has to say: One of the most challenging aspects of any marriage is differences in desire. It is particularly difficult when the discrepancy is vast. Not only do you want it a lot, but your wife seems to hardly ever want it. Even when she does, she doesn’t seem to enjoy herself very much. Here are five ways to help the situation.

Here are 5 critical ways to fix a lack of intimacy in your marriage before it's too late:

1. What are you doing outside the bedroom?

Intimacy is not an isolated incident. For women, being physical is part of a greater experience of intimacy. Physical intimacy should begin far before you enter the bedroom — and by that, we mean that loving acts, kind words, help with housework, and some flirtation are good ways to begin the process. While you may not need time to awaken interest, your wife likely will.

2. Work on your emotional relationship

How is your relationship in general? Do you seem to argue a lot? Are you on the same page with parenting? Working on your emotional intimacy and closeness may help her feel that she wants to be closer to you physically. If you are feeling disconnected from each other, it’s no wonder why your wife may not be interested in intimacy. We have found that working on your marriage often is the key to creating more intimacy in your marriage as the absence of it is often symptomatic of greater relationship issues.

3. Are you going too fast?

Are you even trying to please her? Try to have a long span of foreplay (30-45 minutes) so that she can become sufficiently interested. Ask her what makes her feel good and focus on giving to her. By becoming more focused, you will both feel more connected.

4. Are you physically hurting her when you are intimate?

If she is experiencing any genital pain, that is a very good reason why she does not have an interest in intimacy. Talk to her directly about this and ask for her openness and honesty. If she is experiencing vaginal pain, she should speak to her gynecologist right away as a first step to solving the pain. If that does not help, consider seeing a therapist.

5. Simply talk to her

Tell her how much you love her and wish you could connect more on this level.