Take The Desperate Out Of Love
Stop Your Tired Chase For Love and Love Will Show Up
Have you ever noticed that in many of your relationships that one person seems to have all the power while the other one is in the chase to stay in the game? If you find yourself in relationships like this you will continue to attract them until you change your patterns. Many of us are desperate for love. Many of us are desperate for attention. Many of us are desperate for affection. Many of us are desperate for validation. In being this desperate we often set ourselves up to get into relationships with all the wrong people.
First and foremost if we feel desperate for any of the above mentioned things we are already starting off on the wrong foot. Any time we are feeling desperate we are essentially feeling a lack within which makes us feel out of control. The feeling of desperation drives controlling behavior where we start to try and push people into meeting our desperate needs. We try to become the person to the other that is irreplaceable. We do too much, spend too much money, give too much, try too hard, talk too much, and push too much all in an effort to get something so simple…..love. Why does love feel so darn hard to get? Because many of us are desperate. Let’s look at how to take the desperate out of it.
Here are some basic facts: When we never feel desired or appreciated enough we will likely attract someone who will be distracted and unresponsive. Why? Because we are coming from lack and lack can be very annoying. This means the other will find every way to find everything interesting, but us. When we are feeling not desirable or appreciated we tend to angry which leads to trying control and guide the other person on how to be better in relationship with us. The demands increase and so does the micromanagement in guiding the other. The more we try to guide and control the more unresponsive the other person will become and the more desirable you will find them. We always seem to want what we feel we cannot have. It is a very messy trap that is often confused with love.
When we feel we are not getting our ‘enough’ of love we get back to being desperate. The greatest mistake made out of desperation is being too nice. At first our pleasant and pleasing ways may seem appealing to others but it soon gives way to being seen as fake and boring. We end up trying too hard to please and this makes us seem insecure and therefore not attractive. In general people seem to be the most attracted to that which is not so pleasing and predictable. We seem to be interested in people who hold a little mystery to them. Confident people are mysterious to insecure people. Confident people seem unphased and able to focus on their needs with no doubt. Everyone has their insecurities and that is human, normal and ok. However, if we act desperately out of those insecurities we will find that whatever we chase will run away. We become anti-seductive all in the name of love.
So what is love then? Love is an emotion which has no boundaries. It has no quotas and cannot co-exist in its entirety with insecurity. Insecurity serves to block intimacy. Love that is desperate is not love. It is control. Learning to love is essentially learning to let go. When we can let go and learn that when we do by not doing…..everything will get done. People who are able to let go and who allow life and relationships to take their natural course are always seen as attractive because they operate with a certain confidence that they will end up in the right relationships with those whom they are meant to be with.
It isn’t about abolishing insecurity it is about not allowing your insecurities to drive you into chasing people and relationships in an effort to control them. Our insecurities are not meant to go away. If they are used correctly they can lead the way into a deeper emotional healing. If you are insecure take care of that insecurity before you take care of a relationship. If you have an insecurity about love, about your appearance, or about your trust in the world then take care of it. Know it is there and give it the proper attention. Read about how to heal such an insecurity and take the action steps necessary to do so. When you learn to do this for yourself you will see that you become much less desperate in love, for love and because of love.
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When you are feeling out of control or desperate that is your sign not to try and control what it outside of you but rather to go inside and to take care of that emotion. Go inside and have a nice long visit with whatever is driving you to be desperate and work on stopping your urge to go in and try and control someone else to make you feel better inside about yourself. When we are acting crazy, we know it. There is no one outside of us that can really make us feel better about this. Scale back, when you feel out of control and focus on yourself. You are essentially the only thing you have any control of. If you do not have control over yourself you will drive all love away. So, grab your wits about you, go inside, and focus on yourself.
You should always come first. If you have plans keep your plans no matter who calls, if you don’t feel like doing something for someone don’t do it. Learn to say no when you need to say no. Learn to assert yourself in this way so people can really know who you are instead of who you are trying to be to make them happy. It is best to be loved for who you are don’t you think? Remember courage dismantles fear. Step up and be yourself, learn to put yourself first and you will become mysterious, more unpredictable, not so available and much more attractive. You are beautifully you and if you don’t find yourself beautiful then you have emotional work to do. Get yourself to the place where you are strong enough to set your way. Stop chasing as it is wasteful and only serves to lower your self-esteem and to increase your desperation.
There is really no reason to be desperate about anything if we get ourselves into the belief that there is enough of everything for everyone. There is enough love, enough money, and enough time for all things to fall into place. It comes down to each person working their insecurities, studying them, learning to understand them so they can take the desperate out of the insecurity. Insecurity drives desperation and desperation drives love away which makes people even more insecure. Clearly there is only one place to start if we are to take the desperate out of love. Start by loving yourself. You come first and everyone else comes second. You should not have to audition for love. When you love yourself it will create open space in your life.
Love is an emotion that needs space so it can expand. When you control you block and shrink the space for love to go. Start with you. Do what you love, wear what you love, smell like you love, be what you love, discover what you love, express what you love, be proud of your love, and love will come.
Little life lesson: When you feel out of control learn to scale back and focus on yourself. You are the only thing you can control.