12 Big Signs You're In Love With A Sex Addict
There's a price for their moments of escape.
Syda Productions, Алекке Блажин | Canva The ease of connecting with someone online can allow for an individual's sex addiction to skyrocket. One of the most common justifications addicts make for their obsession is, "No one gets hurt." Yet, addiction harms the addict's family, whether it's through physical or emotional abuse.
Here are 12 signs you're in love with a sex addict:
1. They lie and sneak around
Sexual addicts are masters at using weasel words for evasion of being caught in a lie. They tell just a little bit of truth to create a false impression. Then, if they get caught, they harp on the smidgeon of technical truth to accuse their mate of not remembering correctly or misunderstanding.
They also keep at their disposal a ready supply of accusations to hurl at a mate who gets too close to uncovering their secrets (i.e. "You're just jealous," "You're overreacting," "Everyone will think you're crazy if they hear you say that," or "You just don't trust me").
Roman Samborskyi via Shutterstock
A formerly intelligent partner may quickly be reduced to a shaking bowl of Jell-O by the skillful verbal manipulation of an emotionally adulterous spouse. Sexual addicts use gaslighting as they slide deeper into their compulsive addiction. Experienced counselors know that what the addict says may or may not be true.
2. They might abuse alcohol or drugs as well
Sexual addicts often use alcohol and drugs to numb their thinking and to excuse themselves for doing activities they lack the courage to do when sober. However, their consciences don't hold them accountable for the consequences, because they were drinking or using drugs. Thus, sexual addicts often seek alcohol and drugs on an unconscious level to justify moving into deeper addiction.
3. They can be perpetrators of verbal abuse
Addicts often blame their partners and children as a way of soothing a guilty conscience. They quickly become experts at making their family members feel ashamed when anyone questions their conduct.
Some spouses are so intimidated by the addicts' outbursts of anger and blame, that they drop the subject rather than risk further exposure to the tirades. As a result, the abuser successfully buries the addiction with verbal attacks on the family.
Sexual addicts always accuse someone else of causing their behavior. The family lives in constant fear of when the next reprisal will hit for some insignificant mistake on their part. Their misdeed may be as simple as laughing together. A depressed family is easier to control.
4. They can be perpetrators of physical abuse
If verbal abuse is allowed to continue long enough, it's only a matter of time before physical abuse joins it.
5. They can be perpetrators of emotional abuse
Mentally withdrawing often goes unrecognized as emotional abuse simply because of its silent nature. It shows up as pouting, spending hours on the computer or watching TV, not speaking for days, giving "the look," and refusing to share or listen to feelings. Refusing to give compliments is a nearly universal form of emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse follows the same cycle as verbal and physical abuse:
- Buildup of tension
- Release of tension in the abusive action
- Loving respite where everything is wonderfully OK
The addict's constant vacillating between showing some concern and then being emotionally absent keeps the family in a state of confusion and stress.
6. They can be perpetrators of sexual abuse
They can lose the ability to emotionally love their partner. The addict can become self-centered and self-gratifying at the expense of their mates. With a blocked ability to connect emotionally through the exchange of nurturing pleasure with their mate, sex becomes mechanical.
7. They're bitter and angry
Bitterness and anger are nearly always present in sexual addiction. Sometimes disappointment and bitterness over the marriage make a person receptive to sexual addiction. This opens the heart for bitterness and anger to flourish. Over time, bitterness warps the thinking of addicts so much that they lose all touch with their spouses. Eventually, the bitterness and anger consume the sexual addict's thinking toward their mate and children.
8. They have unreasonable levels of perfectionism
Demanding perfection amounts to dominion of the family and attempts to force their personalities into submission. When the family responds to one area of criticism, the addict finds a new complaint. Unreasonable expectations of perfection can get quite severe.
It often takes the partner a long time to realize the family cannot please the addict no matter how hard they try. By the time the partner starts trying to stand up to undeserved blame, everyone in the family is fighting for emotional survival.
9. They judge their family's motives negatively
A lot of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse results from assigning of evil motives to the spouse and children. Although addicts may spout wild accusations at their families, they keep most of their negative thoughts secret. This allows addicts to view themselves as the good spouse and parent who puts up with so much.
Thus, if no one has a chance to refute their thinking, addicts are free to escalate their motive judging. The family doesn't have a chance of winning the addict's love or favor.
Yet, it's just as wrong for non-addicted mates to assign good motives to the sexual addict. Making excuses for the addict keeps the family locked in denial and minimizes the abuse and harm done to them. This allows the addiction to become more compulsive.
10. They're financially irresponsible
As sexual addiction progresses, it becomes so consuming that many addicts secretly squander family finances for their pleasure. They often neglect their family's needs while insisting on the best clothes, meals, entertainment — the best everything for themselves. The family struggles to make do with what they have.
fizkes via Shutterstock
Many addicts rack up debts to indulge their addiction. Addicts hide these debts from the mate along with the addiction. As the obsession progresses, they lose the ability to concentrate on their work. They may engage in risky behavior that compromises their job.
11. They abuse authority
Many addicts take great pride in being the head of the family and assert, "I'm the leader! I get to do whatever I want!" Contrary to their declaration, they have no claim to their position of leadership.
The selfishness of addicts can become so extreme that claiming to be the head of the family would be laughable if it weren't for the intense damage they cause. They often expect their family to take care of all home duties, such as paying bills, yard work, and house and car maintenance. Their only contribution is to complain loud and long.
It's not unusual to find addicts neglecting planned family times such as special meals, school functions, sports events, holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Secretly pleasuring themselves is always their priority. When questioned, they fall back on their assumed authority: "You're not submissive," "You don't have a quiet spirit," and "You just want to be the boss."
12. In the end, one thing is clear: Everyone gets hurt
Once self-gratification becomes addictive, people have a hard time overcoming their cravings. Sexual addicts become unable to express nurturing love. Sexual addicts pay a personal price for their moments of escape.
If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic abuse or violence, there are resources to get help.
There are ways to go about asking for help as safely as possible. For more information, resources, legal advice, and relevant links visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline. For anyone struggling with domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Patsy Rae Dawson is a Sexuality & Personality Breakthrough Trainer/Coach. Her expertise ranges from the joys of soulmating to the beautiful sexual teachings of the Song of Solomon to the complex issues of difficult marriages. She imparts hope with her ability to unlock the scriptures and challenge traditional views.