5 Toxic Illusions About Marriage That Need To Be Broken
Break these illusions for a deeper connection.
Joaquín Corbalán, advanbrunschot | Canva Marriage requires new learning, as well as unlearning a lot of our belief systems. Certain myths about marriage make us look at things the way they are not. Here are a few.
Here are 5 toxic illusions about marriage that need to be broken:
1. Marriage is meant to last forever, no matter what.
This is the biggest fallacy that keeps us in marriages long after we have been unhappy or abused and lost our precious years (read youth) to make a redundant relationship work. Whoever told you that marriage is for keeps didn’t tell you that you should get up from the table when love and respect are no longer being served. Relationships that last, or aim to last, require tremendous effort and hard work. They require trust, surrender, and acceptance. So when something is amiss, your inner voice will guide you. Please listen to it, and don’t stifle it. Some relationships come with an expiry date, and it’s imperative to let them go once the lessons are learned.
2. Fights and disagreements are part of a healthy marriage.
No, regular fights and constant disagreements are signs the marriage is ailing and you need help. A healthy relationship is devoid of continuous bickering and bitterness. A good marriage is being in harmony with your partner. If there are conflicts on most of the issues, it’s a red flag for both to discuss the issues, see a marriage counselor, and introspect what’s going wrong and why.
3. Staying in a dysfunctional marriage is a sign of courage and inner strength.
Nothing is farther from the truth than this. A marriage is meant to help you grow and blossom as is every relationship meant to do. If the marriage has begun to sprout ugly branches, then it’s time to rethink and re-evaluate rather than wait for the plant of marriage to grow, believing the branches will shed off on their own. People stay far too long in marriages that don’t function well rather than find the strength to accept their failure and move on. There’s no courage in being in a miserable marriage and patting yourself on the back for your valor. Love yourself enough to reject what’s not working for you.
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4. Flexibility is the core virtue of making a marriage work.
This is another myth that most women and men nourish blatantly. Being flexible has its limits and protocols, too. One can’t bend over 180 degrees for a spouse who is not ready to bend even partly. Love doesn’t entail surrendering and accepting the whims and fancies of your spouse at the cost of doing all the work in a relationship and making your spouse feel so secure and lazy that they forget to put in their share in the marriage. Remember, marriage is like bread. It has to be made fresh every day, and if you are going to do all the work yourself right from procuring the wheat and preparing the dough to baking and serving the bread, be warned that you are digging the grave of your relationship slowly.
5. Don’t be truthful all the time.
This is another myth that needs to be shattered. Most people believe it is commendable to speak the truth at one’s convenience — to refrain from showing your true colors to your partner and to hide whatever you can to avoid getting into an unnecessary conflict in a marriage. There is nothing more damaging in a marriage than the manipulation of truth. Honest, effective communication is the key to a healthy marriage, and airing your grievances, fears, and insecurities is essential. The day we start getting silent about things that matter to us is when we have stopped living in the true sense. Silence works temporarily and should not be used as a crutch to help make a limping marriage walk.
We have been taught, especially for women but holds for men as well, that when it’s hard to change the other person and when the truth will snowball into a deep crisis for the relationship, one should just go silent, and that’s where all goes wrong. Being truthful and honest is the cardinal rule of every long-lasting relationship and should never be compromised for fear of argument, rejection, judgment, or appearing vulnerable. Any small feeling one goes through needs to be communicated in a marriage to make it work. If one is angry/distressed/worried/happy/fearful, it has to be communicated to your partner.
Most marriages fail because of the shame we put up in front of ourselves by hiding our truest feelings for fear of being judged or offending our partner. Remember, being true is being closer to yourself, and the more honest and true one is in a marriage, the deeper the connection one can feel with the other person.
Meenu Mehrotra's work has appeared in national magazines and newspapers. She is a Certified Archetypal Consultant and Certified Angel Card Reader.