The 'Rescue Dog' Theory That Forever Changed My Relationship To Men
You have to treat him like a scared puppy if you want his love.
RossHelen | Canva Learning how to connect with emotionally unavailable men is like learning how to gain the trust of a beaten dog.
One of my dogs, Pumpkin, is a little feisty Chihuahua I found one morning under a car by my house. She was covered in fleas and very frightened.
I brought her into my home and she became my third canine companion. She wasn't, however, the sweet, eager-to-please pup that dog lovers cherish.
Why dating emotionally unavailable men is just like rescuing dogs
Pumpkin growled frequently and was distrusting and distant. She didn't allow my other dogs near her. One of my dogs is a macho Jack Russell Terrier mix and he's a real bruiser.
My other dog is a sweet-hearted Chihuahua mix who's very polite and doesn't know a stranger.
Pexels / nishizuka
Little Pumpkin warmed up right away to my Chihuahua mix but not to my Jack Russell mix. Why? Because my Chihuahua mix invited Pumpkin to come closer, as opposed to my Jack Russell mix who constantly tried to bruise his way into her space.
If you love an emotionally unavailable man who remains at a distance, isn't emotionally open, and has admitted distrust in women, you should extend an unspoken invitation for him to get to know you and come close, rather than trying to "pull" love out of him.
Just like a Chinese finger cuff, his love will resist your advances.
It can seem like loving an emotionally unavailable man can be addicting, but why? It has to do with our need to win, and our brain is hard-wired to want it, according to studies.
How do you invite an emotionally unavailable man to come closer?
You must do two things: sit on your hands and remain emotionally open to receiving his love.
Everything has to be on his terms as far as how close he comes to you. Wanting to see you, be around you, hold you, know you, caress you, let you inside his heart and soul — it's all got to be on his clock, or he won't trust you and will even feel resentful.
If you can handle this dynamic where he's in control of the speed of the relationship and you want to further pursue a connection, you should stop yourself every time you want to shorten the gap between you both.
So, no calling him, touching him to force a connection, seducing him with flirty texts and photos, inviting him to a concert of his favorite band, and so on. Instead, you let him come to you.
You must remain patient and wait for him to call, invite you somewhere, touch you, or ask you questions about yourself. You must let him create a safe place with you instead of forcing him to feel safe in a way that will never make him feel comfortable.
When he does come toward you, you have to be open to his advances. This doesn't mean you have to always be happy with every measly morsel he hesitantly dishes out. You can still be upset at him for not having called or having dismissed your feelings.
In essence, you just have to make sure that when you open up about negative feelings, you're still making room for him to come closer. You're still allowing him to make good on his mistakes and to comfort you.
No blaming, no silent treatment, no screaming, no foot-stomping, and no pouting. If he doesn't want to hear your feelings or doesn't care about your feelings (out of a sense of rejection or simply out of selfish indifference), you have to remain firm in not rewarding him for bad behavior.
In other words, if he ignores your feelings, you don't do or say anything loving back. Even if he ignores you for weeks afterward. You simply wait, sitting on your hands for as long as it takes him to approach you again.
And if you're still upset, you must state your feelings. This will show him that you aren't a pushover, and will make him see that loving you requires accountability and structure.
Accountability and structure will make an emotionally unavailable man feel more trusting of you and safer to come closer. If he lovingly comes toward you and you're happy to see him and have his attention, then you have to "melt" into his advances.
Say "thank you" to his compliments or "that's so yummy" when he touches you in a way that feels good. It's a reward system where you're rewarding him with appreciation and love when he does something good for you and your relationship.
Loving an emotionally unavailable man is difficult. It's wearing on your soul and it can end up hurting you a lot. Many unavailable men cheat or find ways to always stay distant emotionally.
Some never fully feel comfortable coming close, even when they trust you. This is because closeness is so foreign for them that it's uncomfortable to the point of irritable and they would rather just end up doing what feels more natural.
However, some men are capable of real closeness and true intimacy. They just need a little inspiration to get back to that place with you.
Kristina Marchant is a writer and author with a BA in psychology from Barnard College at Columbia University. She is also a relationship coach who advises women on men and healthy relationship skills.