The Surprising Cause Of ED: She's Hot, He's Not

Although this may sound totally counter-intutitive having a hot, sexy or too perfect girlfriend or woman is one of the leading causes of male arousal disorders or what is more commonly known as erectille dysfunction.

Men's failure to perform, when it's purely psychological has a lot to do with wanting to impress, please and perform perfectly for the woman who they see as perfect. She may be the picture of perfection, i.e. model-beautiful or she may be the one you want to be with forever. Either way you've pumped this woman up so much that you not only put unrealistic expectations on her, you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself and on the relationship. Sex, for the purpose of being a perfect performer is not an arousing act, and becomes tedious, scary, a task and often leaves us feeling inadequate.

Male arousal problems are also detrimental to a relationship as many women have not been educated on the natural ebbing and flowing of sexuality for one, and two cannot even fathom that their supposed 'perfection' could lead to erectile dysfunction. This often leaves women feeling rejected, neglected, dejected and humiliated. If women only knew. And if men only knew too. This is not just a natural and normal part of falling in love but is also largely a part of our mind's game play. 

While men's arousal issues arise commonly from being anxious, wanting to please and women's arousal issues are commonly situated around body image issues it's easy to see how our relationships with ourselves and with each other can easily lend to a slippery slope of arousal problems. It can quickly become a catch 22.

Let's talk about Erectile Dysfunction (ED) a little bit.  Also commonly known as “performance anxiety”, ED is a common sexual issue that plagues many men of all ages. Let me also say that although the medical world has termed it Erectile Dysfunction, it is only a dysfunction if there is a medical or biological illness attached to it. When it is a psychological or mental issue, it should no longer be considered a dysfunction, in my opinion, but rather an erectile digression, because and please men remember this: the erection will come back.

There are many causes of true medical ED. Let’s start with the biological causes such as illness, certain medications, drugs and/or alcohol, and a change or flux in hormonal balance that is common with age, illness, etc. If these are not present, the psychological maladies which may lead to ED are stress, fear, worry, sadness, relationship unrest, and more specifically in our current climate divorce, job loss, money concerns, and more.

You should always seek the help of a medical doctor first to weed out any physical or biological problems before seeking out the help of a sex therapist. Your doctor may do a testosterone hormone test. There are the basic tests that look at hormones more fully, such as “total testosterone,” “free testosterone,” and “sexual hormone binding globulin levels (SHBG).” There is also an NPT test that you may want to ask about. These tests, along with a proper physical exam, ultrasonic evaluation of blood flow, assessment of neurological function and proper medical counseling regarding your risk for cardiac and vascular disease, will help give a complete picture of the medical side of things. Based on these findings your doctor will give you an understanding of any biological or organic causes within your system.

If nothing “abnormal” shows up in the test, (the medical world chooses to look at things as abnormalities and dysfunctions) your doctor may suggest seeking the help of a psychotherapist or sex therapist.

It’s very common for specific facets in a person’s current relationship or relationship history to contribute to ED. For example, as I mentioned above having a super hot girlfriend can contribute to erectile digression. One of the main causes of ED is feeling insecure, inadequate, and self-conscious specifically about erection, and performance, which can in turn become self-fulfilling prophecies where the man begins to ruminate or obsess on his need to achieve and maintain erection until ejaculation and/or orgasm in order to please the woman.

Therefore, having a girlfriend/wife/partner whom you think is especially attractive or perfect in every which way possible, can cause severe feelings of fear and inadequacy, which in turn can bring on or exacerbate ED. Men, you need to remember when placing a partner on a pedestal, that although she is still perfect, you are perfect too. Such a perfect person wouldn’t choose someone who is seriously flawed. The only issue you are having is being way too focused on erection, performance, ejaculation and orgasm. This causes one to lost sight of what sex is really about: the physical and sensual connection. Too many men are way too focused on the end results, and have forgotten to enjoy the journey. As cliché’ as it sounds, it’s true.

Here is what needs to happen. To change the course and direction of chronic erectile digression, you must learn to relax, breath, and most of all to have sex for pleasure, and not for a purpose. Too many men these days are obsessed with pleasing her only, and have ceased to find the pleasure in sex for themselves. Men need to find pleasure in sex again, for themselves. Do something for yourself and watch your ED fade away.

Men: Learn to focus on how it feels inside your body when touching someone else. Pay attention to the various sensations within your own body, and make a commitment to be a little more focused on yourself. This is not about being a selfish lover, nor a selfless lover, but a WHOLE lover. You must find balance. Becoming more in tune with your own body and your own needs is key to overcoming ED and being a successful lover in general.

In many cases ED is a his-and-her problem. For example, if she doesn’t seem interested in having sex, chances of ED may increase for many men. This might be indicative of a deeper problem within the relationship.

When men involved in a relationship seek treatment alone for ED it disproportionately places the blame and pressure on the male to fix himself only, suggesting he is the one with the problem, and this often makes the ED issue greater, and doesn’t address the deeper issues. Pressure is what is causing the ED to begin with. It’s important for those involved in a relationship, seeking assistance for ED to involve their partners in treatment.

Sexual dysfunction can only exist if you let it. Being a whole lover means loving yourself first and learning to give and receive. That goes for everyone.

Mou is a sex therapist based in Los Angeles. Visit her website www.LASexTherapist.com

This is an excerpt from her book Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon.