Is Someone You Love Being Abused?

Are you afraid that someone you care about is a victim of domestic abuse?

Maybe your friend seems afraid to confide in you like she used to. Perhaps your cousin's husband seems controlling and doesn't want her to spend time with anyone but him. Maybe your sister's husband is intensely jealous, even though she's never given him a reason to be insecure. These are all signs that she's at risk for emotional or physical abuse.

So, what should you do if you think a friend or family member is being abused? How do you help without making things worse for her?

You're in a difficult position. You're concerned for her safety, but you're also afraid that you'll alienate her by raising questions about her partner's unacceptable behavior. Despite these conflicting emotions, you still feel like you need to do something to intervene.

Here are some tips to support a loved one that is being abused:

1. Contact your local domestic violence resource center to educate yourself. Ask for information on the cycle of violence.

You should also ask for access to available community resources and advice for developing safety plans. That way, you'll have specific information to offer her when the timing's right.

2. Gently bring up the subject with your friend. Broaching intimate partner violence is tricky, particularly because you may be totally wrong about what's happening.

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But even if you're right, no matter how gentle you are in approaching her, she may not appreciate your efforts. Some women mistake controlling tendencies like frequent check-ups as love.

She doesn't associate his behavior with a dangerous need to be in control.  She might be convinced that, despite his flaws, she can't live well without him.  

3. Don't criticize or bully her while trying to help. If she hasn't confided that she's unhappy or concerned about what you view as her spouse's inappropriate behavior, proceed carefully so you don't cause her to feel judged or misunderstood.

Don't challenge or criticize her. If you're right about her situation, she's already experiencing more than enough criticism and bullying.

Instead of asking, "Why do you let him get away with this?" or complaining about how her partner acts toward her, it might be wiser to ask her what you can do to be of assistance to her.

If she seems receptive to these questions, tell her how concerned you are about her relationship. Reassure her that you are there to listen and remind her that help is available if she needs it.

Before continuing, gauge her willingness to continue to conversation. If she's not willing, give her some space to think about what you've said.

Don't bring it up again. Instead, wait for signs that she's ready to talk about it, unless you're convinced that waiting will lead to disaster or worse.

When relationships are in extreme dire straits and she has the potential of being harmed, be firm but caring in expressing your belief that she must make a life-or-death choice. Your frankness may cost you the friendship, but it may also give your friend the courage to take action.

4. Remind your friend or relative that her partner might be monitoring her behavior. If she searches for information and resources on her own, she must be careful. It's hard to fully eradicate a browsing history.

If her significant other is as controlling as he apears to be, he most likely monitors her calls and computer usage. So, be sure to remind her not to access information from a device that he has access to. Instead, she should visit the library or the home of a sympathetic friend to contact the appropriate authorities.

Remember, if she can't imagine life without her abusive partner, getting her to see that she deserves better treatment will be a slow process. Your support and friendship can make a huge difference in her life — but you've got to approach the situation carefully and with utmost concern for your own safety as well as hers.

5. If she chooses to leave, encourage her to first create and execute a custom-designed safety plan and find safe, secure emergency and longer-term shelter. She must choose a safe and secure destination for herself and her children, if she has kids.

When a domestic violence victim leaves an abusive relationship, the risk of death at the hands of an abuser goes up significantly for the victim, her children, and any helpers who get involved. So don't entertain fantasies of giving her shelter unless you're willing to risk harm.

If you don't know how to find safe, secure emergency shelters in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.