7 Most Unexpected Reasons People Cheat, According To Psychology
Some want to feel desirable, while others are looking to escape.
halfpoint | Canva While it's easy to blame infidelity entirely on intimacy — or lack thereof — a large percentage of affairs are entirely unrelated. Many unfaithful men and women admit that the intimacy at home is good or that the intimacy in the affair is mediocre. So if not for intimacy, why do people have affairs?
Here are the seven most unexpected reasons people cheat:
1. To experience touching and physical affection
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We can live without intimacy far easier than we can live without touching. An hour’s visit with a lover might include 10 minutes of intimacy and 50 minutes of cuddling. Or no intimacy at all. Some people would risk everything they value just to have someone stroke their face without being asked.
A 2020 study found that physical touch directly reduces loneliness and has a positive impact on a person's physiological well-being. Touch deprivation can be damaging and lead to feelings of neglect, so if someone isn't receiving adequate physical affection in their relationship, they often search for it elsewhere.
2. To have someone to talk with
It’s sad, but many couples don’t talk much. If they do, it’s often about the kids or, um, the kids.
Not only are open conversations invaluable to your mental health, providing much-needed emotional support and validation, but according to a report by the U.S. Surgeon General, poor social connections increase the risk of heart disease by 29%, stroke by 32%, and dementia in older adults by 50%.
3. To feel more manly or womanly
Intimacy is about more than pleasure. At its best, people have experiences of validation — being a “real man” or “real woman,” whatever that means to them.
Alicia M. Walker, a microsociologist, interviewed 46 men between the ages of 27 to 70 who used the website Ashley Madison to find an affair partner. She found that men often sought out partners who praised them and who validated their masculinity.
"They explained that they felt like a disappointment to their wives: both inside the bedroom and out. These feelings threatened their sense of themselves as masculine and 'manly,'" Walker noted. "Ultimately, the men reported internalizing their perception that they exist as a disappointment to their wives as a statement of their unworthiness as a man."
4. To escape
When people feel trapped in routine, when they can’t create joy or delight, when the future looks exactly like the unsatisfactory present, an affair can be an escape, an oasis in the desert of life.
It doesn’t fix anything of course — your job is still dehumanizing, your kid is still struggling in school, your belly hasn’t gone away — but for an hour every month or two, it all disappears.
5. To feel the excitement of anticipation
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All those things marriage counselors advise long-term couples to do to keep the relationship fresh? People do that when they’re having an affair. They make a date to get together, look forward to it, talk about how great it will be, think about what they’ll wear, eat moderately that day, and, most importantly, plan to enjoy it. If married couples did that regularly, intimacy therapists would lose half their business.
6. To feel desirable or attractive
It’s entirely possible to feel loved and not feel attractive or desired — it happens in many otherwise intimate relationships. Although most grownups very much appreciate intimacy, respect, and love, many people yearn to feel desired. For some of them, an affair is where they have this experience.
According to 2024 infidelity statistics from Smith Investigation Agency, 40% of women reported cheating for emotional reasons, such as needing attention or wanting to feel desired, while 33% cheated on their partner to find out if they were still desirable.
Intimacy in the affair may not be great or even frequent, but the experience of a lover lighting up when he or she watches you undress is, for some people, priceless. It’s no substitute for love or dependability, but some people will do almost anything to feel desired.
7. To experience a sense of danger
Pop psychology says that people having affairs love the sense of danger and the possibility of getting caught. A 2006 MSNBC survey found that 30% of cheaters thrive on the excitement and thrill they get from an affair.
I’ve had a small handful of patients like that. However, what’s more common is people who unconsciously invite discovery to blow up a relationship they want to leave but somehow can’t.
Most common of all? People who dread getting caught, feel guilty, and even have trouble enjoying their affair because they’re always wondering if they’ve covered their tracks successfully. Very few adults say that risking their marriage, home, and relationship with their kids is exciting. But many do it — and not necessarily for intimacy.
Dr. Marty Klein is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.