Hi. My name is Marcy.I am a judger. I have judged other people (and myself) and their (and my) actions. It all started when I was born. It was a survival technique to get my needs met.
I have tried to let go of judgement. It would seem like a distant memory, until someone did something I did not agree with (idea, actions, thoughts, words, clothes, lifestyle, haircut, car, fur-the list is endless). Then I was judging myself and everyone around me like I had never stopped.
My mom is a very religious woman in the traditional sense. However, she is probably the least judgmental person I know (which I have found more often than not, is not a typical traditional religious viewpoint). She accepts everyone as they are—really. If they do not follow the Bible, she may pray for them, but does not feel like she has to convert them or drag them to church.
Add that to a statement that my dad made when I was pretty young, "If we could all live one day without judgement, it would change the world," and I started to see my judgmental side. I wanted to not judge anyone. I wanted to live in a world where it did not exist.
I tried to eradicate it from my life. However, you have to be aware of the roots before you can uproot or weed a behavior out. I saw no roots. I just wanted purity, and no judgment.
I would work on letting go of simple judgements, or surface judgements: her hair is awful, my butt is huge, etc. I was also working on letting go of judging other's behaviors. Good or bad, they were doing the best they could at any given moment, until they did it to me.
So, as I continued this oh-so-noble (in my own mind) quest of letting go of judgment, I became a co-active coach.
I went to a CTI (Coaches Training Institute) Summit back in 2011, while I was working on my certification to as a co-active coach. I was already a co-active coach, just working on the certified part. I want to share with you something I learned at that Summit that is still benefitting me today.
One thing I learned was about shadow sides and survival roles. Shadow sides are one of those new age things that get thrown around and spit at us from all angles, but are truly a great teacher.
When we begin our lives, we chose a role to survive as an infant. We chose to become a complier (person who complies, not compiles..that is covered on the hoarding shows), controller or an observer. We take on these roles to get our needs met.
Here we are, as a helpless infant, yet our brains are working, especially our survival instincts. We are very human and need to make sure we survive. To get what we need, we pick to either get it through compliance, control or observation.
If we chose compliance, we are a pleaser. We want the adults in our lives to give us what we need by giving them cooing, smiles, laughter, whatever they seem to want. We make them happy and they give us what we need. In an adult, this is the person who wants to make sure everyone is happy at all times. Let's get this done with smiles and smooth over any disruption.
At it's best, a complier makes a great public servant. At it's worst, it can ruin whole families by having one person who tries to make everyone in the outside world happy. It can run your life by needing everyone’s approval. Creates distance in relationships due to always needing outside approval. No time to focus on one-on-one.
If we chose control, we can also please, but as soon as that does not work, we scream, or do whatever we can to get the adults to do whatever it is we need. Let’s get it done.
At it's best, a controller cuts through muck and pushes through to get things under control and structured. At it's worst, it is dogmatic and forceful and even cruel because when a controller is not in control, they will make sure you are not either. Creates distance in relationships by needing to control all things at all times. How can you get close to someone if they are not doing what you want them to do? Even if they do what you want, you are thinking about what you want them to do next. They are change agents, but sometimes they miss that things are just fine as they are.
The observer watches these two parties and judges from a distance. From a pedestal of their own making, they look down on the others and watch the show. Can use both techniques, but will evaluate first, then decide which is working best, or just wait for the other stuff to play out and get what they need. They will not dirty themselves with the drama.
At it's best, the observer is a great by-stander for disputes and can see both sides of any given situation. Also can create a middle space for the other two sides to come together. At it's worst, they just judge and watch, then jump in when they wish to control or when they wish to comply. And because they have been watching and judging, they can come up with very stinging reasons why it should go the way they have decided it should.
Understanding your initial chosen role does not stop you from using any or all of the roles. More than likely, you have used any or all of these numerous times in your life. However, one was more predominant in your childhood and it shaped part of your subconscious and how you are operating behind your own curtain. This is what we are looking to uncover. Your unknown motivators that control you, instead of you controlling yourself. Oh yes, even controllers are controlled by past ideas and thoughts they have carried