How To Spank Your Lover (Like You Mean It!)

The first time a lover suggested a spanking, I cringed and said, "I don’t like pain!"

He chuckled and replied, "There’s pain ... and then there is spanking."  

He sounded so sexy when he talked about it that he convinced me to lie across his lap. The next 15 minutes was the hottest I'd experienced to that point, and the sex afterward was explosive!

The next lover who suggested spanking didn’t have to talk me into it. He bent me over his lap and began.

"Ouch!" I screamed. He laughed and began to lay into my rapidly blistering butt. This wasn't at all like the first spanking I'd experienced. It was intensely painful and not nearly as much fun.

I learned that day that spanking is both a skill and an art.

There are different types of spanking. Spanking for punishment in a BDSM relationship between a Dominant and his submissive (or between a Domme and her sub) is not meant to arouse. The purpose in cases of discipline is to teach a lesson — to cause pain in order to make it less likely the sub will repeat the bad behavior.   

Erotic spankings come in many flavors.

There are fudge ripple ones ('vanilla' with just that special touch of kink), which are slow, teasing, and almost gentle.   

There are cinnamon ones that are punctuated with light scratches, little pinches, and other bits of spice.  

There are chili-spiced ones that build slowly towards intense pain and leave an after burn.    

Here are six spanking tips to make sure your spankings full of sugar and spice:

1. Make sure you partner is wearing clothing — with NO underwear underneath. 

Lifting up a skirt, pulling down tights or pantyhose, lowering trousers — all of these add to the eroticism and anticipation at the beginning of the spanking.  

The lack of underwear adds to the sense of shock felt on a bare bottom, and the feel of the fabric against a raw bum following a good spanking is divine.

2. Start out slow (sometimes... ).  

Spankings that begin slowly allow time for your partner to acclimate to the pain. This gets the endorphins beginning to flow, making the whole experience delicious and intense.  

If you are the person giving the spanking, start out warming up their bottom by rubbing the flat palm of your hand all over it in a variety of directions. Progress to raking your nails lightly across their skin before you take your first good swipe.

3. Focus your swat on the meatier part of the bottom.

Aim for the area just under the curve and scoop the bottom up in your palm as you spank. Lift up again with each strike. This area is referred to as the sweet spot by some, as when it is spanked properly and consistently, your partner's juices will truly begin to flow.

4. Get a rhythm going.  

A good rhythm that consistently builds will send your lover hurtling towards orgasm. My husband is a percussionist and loves to create a virtual human drum circle on my rear end. Each slap and smack sounds different as the vibrations change — and, of course, and each person's bottom makes its own special melody.  

5. Try out different positions.  

An over-the-knee spanking often has many emotional connotations. It is incredibly intimate to lay across your lover’s lap and their response to the spanking as it is being given.

Lying your partner down on a bed or telling them to kneel with their head on a chair and their bottom up will create other emotions. Standing will bring to mind still other dynamics.

Experimentation is a huge component of the thrill.

6. Play with using different implements.  

You can use your bare hands on your partner’s bare skin. You can use kid leather gloves on your partner’s skin or over your partner’s panties. If you are more adventurous, you could try a leather flogger, a wooden paddle, or a leather tawse.

Personally, I find my husband’s hands far harder than any paddle. As I mentioned, he has strong hard drummer’s hands — and he knows how to use them. He knows all the spots on my bum and thighs and knows just how to strike. The feeling is so intimate it sometimes seems almost impossible to bare (but bare it I do).

Important note before you get started: don’t forget to make sure your partner has given you clear consent to spank him or her silly.

There is nothing quite like a good spanking.

Even people who otherwise don’t like pain can find a spanking incredibly arousing.  

So whether you have been naughty this year or nice, why not ask your playmate for a spanking as your holiday treat?

Dr. Lori Beth is an intimacy coach, psychologist —  and can often be found on the receiving end of a good spanking. You can sign up for her newsletter and find out more about her adventures on her website and check out The A to Z of Sex podcast on iTunes. Write to her with your questions by clicking here.